To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

God I never thought I would defend ex, @Lafufufu , but to be fair, he hasn't asked for a lift and may not do so. I just want to avoid the possibility.

Has anyone who has dropped dc off in cities got any insight into how this would even work out? How long do parents tend to stay and how could we arrange to meet?

Sorry - I hear ya and everything… but this just isn’t your day.

Does it matter if your ex knows you're lying? Or just keep it vague and say you're not going straight home as you have 'things to do on the way back.' If he says he can just come and wait in the car, just say 'no thanks.'
Don't apologise, don't explain.

You are being unreasonable saying he can't come. You are not being unreasonable to say you won't drive him. You dont get to choose egos there but you do get to choose who you transport. If his travel arrangements are tricky he's an adult and he can work it out. You don't have to rescue him.

No you absolutely do not have to drive him in your car. So what if he has to use a rail replacement bus and has a longer journey? He is an adult and will cope like anyone else would. His travel arrangements aren’t your problem. Just say no I can’t give you a lift. No further explanation necessary.

We’ve dropped off in cities. We could only park at the halls to unload then had to find a nearby car park for a few hours. DH and I stayed a while, helped unpack and set up, then went to do some shopping and have something to eat. You could arrange to meet at a set time at a nearby coffee shop or cafe maybe, have a drink together, then you come home and son takes dad back to accommodation for a few hours. He’ll still have plenty of time to meet others (presumably freshers week?) and you may find not everyone else has moved in yet anyway, or other parents are also hanging around for a few hours.

Why don’t you give him a lift there for your son but make it clear you can’t give him a lift back (no need to give any reason).

It’s up to your son if he wants his dad there at an important day - you would be unreasonable to say he can’t come. However, you don’t have to give ex H a lift and it’s completely reasonable for you to have that boundary. Ex H can be part of the day but he gets himself there and back without your involvement.

If he was thinking straight he'd offer to go up the following weekend or the one after to do a bit of a supermarket shop or go for lunch and to buy a winter coat or something. And while you're there, take the younger dc out for a couple of hours to break up the day for them.

Makes way more sense to me!

If he's there on the day, he's there. And if he got himself there he can get himself home or get a hotel if he cant get home. Not your concern at all. But stupid idea if you ask me!

It sounds like all this is coming from your DS and not your ex tbh.

I think it's not up to him to offer a lift or to include his Dad in your arrangements. It is up to him to work out how/when he wants his Dad there and this is likely separate to you.

I think you are usually given a time slot for keys etc. I think if he wants to be there, then just going to be awkward but maybe he could take DS for tea after unpacking, if you get him there and settled in initially. It's really hard for you. I'm sorry.

Although I can just about tolerate a chat with exh on the doorstep, I frankly cannot forget or forgive the things he's done to me and I don't feel safe around him. I will have to consider these issues in the future too @stripycats. It's not easy.

That's a bit harsh - he hasn't even said he wants to go, never mind asked for a lift. It's just DS wondering/asking mum. OP has then spiralled into a lot of what ifs and assumptions.

Thanks @NewYorkSummer . I really don't want him hanging around there at all and I think it will be horribly awkward if we are all in the room. I feel like he hasn't done much actual parenting so don't see a need for him to be there but I know that's wrong but I can't help how I feel. Maybe we should get there early, set up the room and then go for lunch and then I go and he arrives after that.

if you do not want to provide lifts, fair enough, just say so.
your son is entitled to want him there, and apparently does -public transport is available.
make your position clear and stop catastrophising that there'll be a train strike/cancellation/whatever.

The timing might not be up to you I'm afraid. I think a lot of halls give you a slot, but I stand to be corrected if others know better.

Doh! ☺️

Thank you!

I missed ex
Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.
☺️

But he can bus it or get family or friends if he wants to go.

That sounds a good plan.

Also what @AlwaysFreezing said. He could go the following week, once your son has settled in, but might be feeling a little homesick. That way he has someone else to look forward to seeing, and dad can take him out for lunch or something.

Yes, I thought of the space thing but it doesn't help on the way back if he puts me on the spot saying his train is a bus replacement etc.

He can't put you 'on the spot' if you are already considering this as a possibility! That would mean he caught you by surprise and you didn't have a chance to anticipate the question. You have loads of time.

Have an answer prepared in case he asks.

Find a local attraction (museum, castle or something) that you would like to visit while you are there.

Talk about creating a problem before it's arisen. He probably won't ask to come, it's only the son that has said he might.

You absolutely do not have to offer a lift OP. Don't let it spoil your day. Just be civil if you see him there and " no, sorry, I can't" if he asks for a lift home.

YANBU.

It's not unreasonable of DS to want to share the experience with his father but that doesn't mean that you have to provide transportation.

You would be unreasonable to say he can’t come but you are not obliged to give him a lift. Just say you want some time to yourself after if he does ask (think of somewhere you could call to shop or something).

Tbh it didn’t occur to me than my ex wouldn’t be a part of DS’s move to uni in a couple of weeks. We are taking both cars and DS will likely travel with me depending on how much stuff there is. I only have a small car so my idea is that most if the stuff goes in his dads car and me and DS in mine, maybe with some wheelie bags of clothes. Ex can then have the parking space at halls. DS may decide to travel with his dad though just because he sees a lot more of me and the drive is an hour and a half ish.

I am kind of hoping Ex will leave before I do but we will just have to see how it goes on the day. I would like to do most of the stuff and then take DS for food or shopping without DS but it will be up to them. I don’t really want him there either when I am having a good cry after leaving DS!

Suggest that DS invites him to visit for lunch at the weekend instead.

I would just say no. That it’s a big moment for you and an emotional time and you need to be alone on the way back. You don’t need to justify it, or feel guilty, you don’t owe him anything . You are civil for the sake of your son, that is enough under the circumstances.

Perfect!