To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Kind, calm and non-judgemental??!

That would be a first here on MN.

Can you not read?

I would make sure the car is full with uni stuff going & then make an excuse you aren't going straight home or you have to rush off as you have things to do. Let him travel by train & meet ds after you have left.

My kind!!! I'm supporting an OP who has an abusive ex-husband so she doesn't feel comfortable giving him a lift to drop their son off at Uni. She is fine with her ex-husband attending to support his son as long as he makes his own way there and back. He has now decided to go on holiday so won't be supporting their son. She feels bad that he is disappointing their son again but I imagine that she will be relieved not to see him.

I am making no judgements about men in general, just about OP's ex-husband who was an abusive husband and seems to be a pretty shitty and selfish dad. I hardly think that this is me slowing down the advances in feminism. Unless feminism can only be advanced by pandering to utterly dreadful husbands and fathers.

Have you asked him how come he can go on holiday so often but can't afford to contribute anything to his son's university costs?

There never was a lift to feel uncomfortable about.

She made the whole thing up.

Yes, but I am commenting on your posts in particular.

Your comments on this thread have stood out to me ( and to others too) as being particularly vindictive and nasty. Some of the things you have said have been uncalled for.

Maybe ask yourself one question before you post in future. Would I want the company I work for or my friends and family to read this post and know it comes from me? If the answer is no - then just read on and not post.

The OP, and by the sounds of things, plenty of you of similar thinking, refuse to see how the OP created the “problem” in her head.

There never was any request for a lift.

The OP imagined the scenario and had you all jumping in to support her - when the problem was invented in her mind: it did not exist.

You may not like that I’m calling the emperor naked, and you can call me all sorts of names..

The problem only existed in her head.

Oh for goodness sake.

The OP’s Son has speculated to her that his Dad may want to come to Uni drop off day. So - in all good faith, Op came here to ask for advice on what “may” happen. We’ve all done it. It’s not a crime.

All’s well that ends well and the ex went away, but it could have gone the other way as Op predicted and he asks for a lift.

Anyway - your nasty posts started before you knew the outcome, before Op came to update us all that the Ex had decided to take himself on holiday. You didn’t know the outcome when you started with your vitriol towards Op.

You are one hell of a nasty piece of work Saladbrains and I have no qualms calling you and your bullying out.

Yet you entirely, inadvertently, support my position.

Before I knew the updated outcome I was saying this was all a storm in a teacup, all in the OP’s head, and it would go away.

🎺 and that’s exactly what happened.

But you were nasty about it and that is my problem.

It’s not about having your own point of view it’s all about your tone and how you put your view across.

Everyone is allowed a difference of opinion. That is ok. But you have to go about it it the right way.

The only tone is the tone you choose to impose upon the written word.

If you don’t like the tone you’ve assumed, then adopt a different one.

Like the OP, the problem is in your head.

I think the words you have chosen to use for your posts show the kind of person you are. You used horrible words. Your were spiteful, mean, vindictive, horrible.
So the problem is not in my head. The problem is YOU!

Yes, yes, dear, you were absolutely right and you are a very stable genius; now could you bring yourself to shut up about it and stop reviving an old thread in order to be nasty about other people? I'm getting bored with it turning up over and over again in my notifications as having new posts on it, when you have nothing whatever to add to the conversation apart from being unpleasant about other people on the thread

Thank you so much.

It would be rude to not reply to the audience questions, n’est-ce pas?

You're being so rude anyway that a little extra rudeness from you wouldn't make a bit of difference to anyone. Apart from being a considerable relief to those of us who frankly don't give a stuff about your opinions any longer and simply want you to stfu about it.

Very telling that you seem to be thinking of the other people on this thread as your audience, though...