To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Absolutely fine you not wanting to drive him. But it sounds like your DS wants him there. I would suck it up. Do not give a lift though, there or back. Hes a grown man and can sort it out himself.

Just to add that due to his medical condition ex won't be an extra pair of hands and won't be able to help carry anything bigger than a shopping bag. That's another issue to manage as it isn't like an able-bodied person hanging around. He isn't in a wheelchair but uses a stick and can't rush or carry much.

No time slot - we can arrive any time on the given day.

You can't stop your ex from coming. At the end of the day he's still your son's Dad (regardless of your opinion of him) and has as much right to be there as you. Your son isn't going to invite him but equally if your ex asks, your son isn't going to say no. Having said that, it's not your responsibility to give your ex a lift to or from the university. He's your son's Dad, but he's no longer your husband/partner. All you need to say is 'Sorry Bob, but I'm not going straight home, so I can't give you a lift'. You don't owe your ex any further explanation or reason. He's not going to know if you're going straight home or not!!

It's up to your son, but I think it would be weird for his dad to come up later after you've gone. By that point, your DS will hopefully be chatting to his new housemates etc.

Ditto his dad coming up the first weekend as well. Your son will be in the midst of Freshers week!

You def don't have to give your ex a lift. But it's UR to tell your son you don't want his Dad there. He already feels like he can't ask his dad to come because it would upset you. He must want him there, otherwise he wouldn't have raised it with you.

Having to constantly chose one parent or the other, never both, is hard. I think you just need to grin and bear it. Make it as easy as possible for your son to have both parents supporting him on this significant milestone.

A previous poster said that your DS must not be a go-between negotiating between parents. I agree with this but it’s also time that YOU stop any acting as their go-between. And honestly this is an opportunity to be grabbed.

Your DS is moving into the (semi) adult world. His arrangements with his father no longer need to be any of your concern. You can just tell your DS what works for you like “I thought we’d leave at 9am. And when we’ve unpacked, I’m just going to give you a hug and head off before I get all embarrassing. As you know, I’m not going to be driving your DF so I’ll leave it to the two of you to sort out your own arrangements. It’s not my business”.

This goes for all their arrangements going forward. It’s up to them to facilitate their own relationship as two adult men and the sooner they get started on that, the better. I expect they both have views about what they think is and is not your business and now you get to join in. One of the advantages of him being your ex is that you don’t need to deal with him much anymore. Start this new phase as you mean to go on. Cheerfully, respectfully leave them to it.

I have a similar issue in that my ex, after years of pretty much ignoring the fact he has DC, suddenly wants to be involved in what he deems an important moment. He hasn’t contributed anything to it, or the work required in raising the DC in the first place and everyone involved knows that I will not be giving lifts or facilitating him being there at any point, no matter what. Be honest with your DC and your ex, we don’t have to be nice, make allowances or do them favours any more.

Why is it an issue to manage?

If he wasn't there at all then you and your DS will be doing all the fetching and carrying anyway so nothing has changed there in that sense.

Why would he need to rush around? If he can't rush around I am sure he can move to where he needs to be in his own time. You are not responsible for him, just get on and do what you need to do on the day.

Yes, it’s going to be a tough day @stripycatsbut I would suggest the following:

Agree with DS what time you are likely to leave your house to set off on the drive.

Tell DS that he is welcome to make arrangements with his Dad and what time, traffic permitting, you are likely to arrive.

Tell DS that you will drop him off, help him get his stuff to his room etc.

Tell DS that you won’t hang around too long as he will probably want to spend some time with his Dad, get unpacking etc. Remind him that this is up to him and his Dad to arrange.

Remind DS that traffic might be tricky and timings will need to be very flexible.

And then leave it there.

Do not discuss his Dad’s travel plans. That just opens up the possibility of being asked to give him a lift. Do not offer nor entertain. If you are asked, just say that a lift can’t be done. No need to explain.

You drop him off, get in your car and drive home by yourself.

In that case, will your son be in a multi level floor room in halls? Mine was on the top floor in year 1 and it was a killer lugging everything up two flights of stairs!

It’s not about you . Try and put how you feel to one side and do what DS wants.

The car will be rammed anyway, and If it isn’t get some more stuff to make sure it is.

You shouldn’t feel under any pressure to give him a lift either way so if he does turn up and ask for a lift back have an excuse ready.

You can’t control what your ex does.
You CAN control how you respond to it.
If he badgers for a lift, just say no. That doesn’t work for you. Simple.

Suggest the ex hires a man and van to do the drop off if he won't drop it...you could visit the following weekend with any other thing the ds needs.
Or tell him to bus it there as you need the space.
Or best of all, just tell him directly no.

Wait until you know if he’s coming. Then privately contact him and say he makes his own way there and back for reasons he knows about. And warn him if he publically puts you on the spot you will tell DS exactly why you don’t want to spend 4 hrs in a car with him.

The drop off is fast, chaotic and not really an ‘occasion’.

We were given a drop off time and key pick-up time and only allowed to park for a set period. Unloaded, huge meleé, Dc had to go to the admin centre for key / door code , we got his stuff into his room , by which time excited girls had already set up a welcome party in the communal kitchen and I was back in the car… got as far as the first service station on the motorway and stopped for a coffee, wee and cry.

You have made it clear to dc you won't be giving a lift and dc is happy with that.

If dc wanta to arrange with dad thats up to him. Equally you can say no if ex tries to scrounge a lift, you dont have to give a reason just say Im not comfortable with driving him

OP didn't say he'd asked to be ferried about - she's stated he uses public transport regularly - just that she's worried incase she feels obliged to take him home should anything happen to his return transport.
Hardly being a cheeky fucker!

You don't need to invent a reason though. Do you mean to your son? Or to the ExH?
To either, you can simply say no, you can't offer a lift, for personal reasons that you don't want to go into on this special day. Repeat as necessary.

My mum and dad aren't civil and have been separated 4 years.
I think your son is being UR. Yes it's his day and yes it's his dad, but I personally would not put my mum in a situation where she would have to drive my dad anywhere. In his shoes I'd plan something in with dad the day before

If he wants to come you can’t stop him but he needs to make his own way there and back

I'd say I'm going to IKEA on the way back, nobody would want to go with you if they're anything like my friends & family!

I'm struggling to see the issue to be honest.

You've set out your boundary that you won't have ex in the car, and your son has accepted that. If ex tries to wrangle a lift home, then just say no, and walk away happy in the knowledge that you've asserted your boundaries.

If ex then struggles to get home, that's on him and your son to sort out. It's a consequence of the decision that they, two adults, made to have him there.

Are you though? Seeing as she can’t address this totally easy ‘adult’ issue of not having someone sit in her car? 🙄

How are you at adulting, @NewGirlInTown ? As it seems you are unable to comprehend why someone's ex husband being in their car alone with them for 2 hours on a highly emotionally charged day might be a bit of an issue, rather than 'totally easy'? Especially when having to respect the ds's feelings on the matter as well. I mean it's not totally easy, is it?

You don’t have to make up excuses or stay away overnight or any of these convoluted things people are suggesting.

Just say “of course he can be there and wave you off but I’m not happy to travel together” and that’s that.