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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/08/2025 21:09

I do agree that crying a lot whilst driving is a bad idea though.

Original poster
stripycats · 30/08/2025 21:18

Unfortunately I'm well-practised on crying whilst driving, but obviously I'll be making sure I'm fit to drive.

OP posts:
YourFairCyanReader · 30/08/2025 21:31

I am a divorced parent of adult children, and the way we did it was I drove them to uni and got them settled in, did a food shop then left them to it (cue bawling on way home). Ex DH went the following weekend (optional with sibling) by which time DC wanted to show off everything, he got to meet their new friends, possibly sort out problems like having to buy odd forgotten things. It worked really well and I think I'd do that as a married couple actually. On drop off day itself there's not loads to do.

Owlteapot · 30/08/2025 21:53

I have told ds that I won't be taking ex dh who doesn't drive. If he asks tough. It's his issue to sort not mine

ButterPiesAreGreat · 30/08/2025 22:07

It is your sons choice really. OH and I both went when DD went to uni last year but DH had to go by train because we didn’t have a massive car to fit her stuff and 3 people in.
It sounds like you’re catastrophising about being manipulated into giving ex a lift home but all you have to do is set that boundary. That may not come to pass, but even if he's normally like that, you just need to make clear to all that a lift is off the cards. It’s your car.

Not every rail journey is a nightmare. do you know there will definitely be engineering works? You can check on the National Rail website up to 3 months in advance.

www.nationalrail.co.uk/status-and-disruptions/

Christwosheds · 30/08/2025 22:20

Livpool · 30/08/2025 13:48

It is the son’s moment and up to him

Show quote history

I meant the lift, I should have clarified.
Lifts you absolutely can refuse to do.
I also disagree with pps saying this is all about your son, when you have been the one caring for him and supporting him and will still be doing this while he is at university. Young adults need to think about their family not just themselves, it’s a big moment for him, yes, but it’s also a big moment for you. It’s much harder on parents than on the person going away. I have never forgotten my darling Dad crying on a station platform. I don’t feel we do kids any favours by being martyrs and pretending our feelings don’t matter. Everyone in a family matters.

MiseryIn · 30/08/2025 22:24

I’m dreading this too. If he wants to come I’m going to tell him he has to drive separately. He’s super tight so I doubt he’ll do it.

I also agree that the DC get to decide who comes, but I get to decide who sits in my car with me!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/08/2025 22:25

I think there won’t be space in the car and you’re not giving him a lift is enough. If he’s actually physically there on campus it could be helpful with unloading car etc thoigh!

Comeinupto40 · 30/08/2025 22:38

Does your ex have any idea of what uni drop off is like? Are there often train issues? Is he likely to want to spend 2h with you in the car anyway, given things are so awkward between you?
Tbh I can’t imagine somebody who walks with a stick would relish catching unreliable public transport and watching on as others cart belongings up and down potentially several flights of stairs.
Sounds to me like the sort of thing that, once he thinks it through, he will decide against.

WWomble · 30/08/2025 23:11

YANBU to want to drive your son without your Ex, but I don’t think you can decide if he’s there or not. Fair enough to warn DS that you won’t drive his Dad.

Perhaps his Dad could visit later in the day or in one of the early weekends - a backup trip to provide forgotten necessities or provide some treats once reality is setting in?

AgentJohnson · 31/08/2025 12:16

DD didn’t invite her father to her high school graduation because she felt it would be awkward (history of DV). Instead she invited her paternal grandparents (who have been a consistent presence in her life). However, I did tell her on numerous occasions she could invite her father if she wanted.

I have worked really hard to let the shit between her father and me not impact how she chooses to manage her relationship with him. I have boundaries for safety reasons and she understands and respects them. Wanting to have a relationship with her father isn’t being disloyal to me.

I get I really do but you are making it all about you. All you have to do is make it clear that you won’t be giving your Ex a lift under any circumstances. Job done! The more you keep coming up with conditions, the more you alienate your son on a momentous day for him too.

RobinEllacotStrike · 31/08/2025 12:23

practice answering questions now op. You need to say no.

“Can you give dad/me a lift?”

no.
no that doesn’t work for me.

no that’s not possible.

you don’t need explanations.
you are allowed to say no.

make an excellent playlist for the drive home.

Pherian · 31/08/2025 15:07

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

Sounds like what you need is a way to manage that social interaction. Be polite, be firm and distance yourself from any conversations around your ex’s transport.

You cannot say he can’t come. You can only draw boundaries in your involvement with him.

Emmz1510 · 31/08/2025 15:08

You don’t have to think up excuses not to give him a lift, no is a full sentence.
You can’t stop him going though.

HermioneWeasley · 31/08/2025 15:13

Agree with those saying you can’t stop him making his own way there and back (though it sounds fairly pointless for him to do so) but you can absolutely refuse a lift and ignore any hints.

it is hard, but does get easier.

ManteesRock · 31/08/2025 15:15

Honestly whoever has told you that you drop and run is lying!
They are as hectic or as quick as you/your DS wants it to be.
We stayed for around 8 hours with my DD and helped her get her dorm sorted!

Beerhy · 31/08/2025 15:16

I can give you both perspectives!
When my mum and brother dropped me off we did a big shop, got some beers, then headed to the halls. We had 15 minutes to get everything unloaded and my flatmates were all in so it was literally dump and leave 😂 felt a bit bad and my mum still jokes about it now but she was fine!
I then took my brother myself (i think there was a non cancelable situation for mum), we had a little more time and had talked about possibly going into Brighton to see the tourist stuff. We got his stuff in, his flatmates were all in the kitchen and I could see his face 😂 I said “do you want me to go so you can get to know your new friends?” He gave me a very awkward “is that ok?” And I said absolutely, gave him a hug and left. He’s not going to want you to hang around and you might not be able to. It feels like it should be this big thing for the whole family but it’s really not, you’ve both done your bit and now it’s their turn and you get that feeling the most at drop off.

BuildbyNumbere · 31/08/2025 15:18

You are being unreasonably to say he can’t come but not UR saying he can’t have a lift. You can’t stop him going but shouldn’t have to be responsible getting him there and back.

Tortielady · 31/08/2025 15:25

Of course it's your DS's decision as to whether his DF is there, but that doesn't mean you have to facilitate it. On the way there, you can pack your car with you, your DS, his belongings and your DC 16 if they want to go along. On the way back, make an excuse of some sort - it doesn't have to be convincing. Unless he's extraordinarily obtuse, your ExH won't be surprised that you don't want his company.

I use the trains fairly frequently and like your ExH, I have poor mobility and use an aid to walk with. I book passenger assistance and find them invaluable in getting on and off trains safely. I suggest your ExH books assistance along with his ticket or phones them. Above all, if the question arises, be absolutely clear that it's not your issue and he won't be travelling with you, for whatever reason or none.

Hollybobs1 · 31/08/2025 15:27

This is about your son, not you. YABVU. I would've been fuming if my mum would've tried to stop my dad from being there on my uni drop off. She sucked it up and shared a car with him for 6 hours for me. You should do the same for your son.

Original poster
stripycats · 31/08/2025 15:33

I hear what everyone is saying about not having the right to stop him coming but I am leaning towards suggesting he comes later in the day or even the following weekend. I just keep having this vision of him being uncomfortable, hanging around, not being able to meet up easily etc and it being worse if he has a nightmare train journey to deal with on top of that.

DS16 (don't think I've mentioned his age on this thread) does want to come and that is another complication. DS1 thinks him coming makes it more necessary for ex to come as otherwise he is the only one not coming. But ds2 really wants to come. I think ds1 would prefer ds2 to stay with ex but he's only just raised all this while ds2 has been saying for months that he wants to come.

OP posts:
Loulabelle1234 · 31/08/2025 15:37

sadtimeshardtimes · 30/08/2025 12:11

Make arrangements to go elsewhere after drop off so you can’t offer a lift.

This is the best advice!

NewYorkSummer · 31/08/2025 15:38

ManteesRock · 31/08/2025 15:15

Honestly whoever has told you that you drop and run is lying!
They are as hectic or as quick as you/your DS wants it to be.
We stayed for around 8 hours with my DD and helped her get her dorm sorted!

I was thinking this. We stayed at least 4 hours. It’s hectic, and generally you end up having to pop out for food or forgotten essentials. In my experience most kids don’t want you dropping and running first year, although by second they’re not quite so fussed 😆

Silvertulips · 31/08/2025 15:40

Let DS2 come, takes the pressure of and he’s strong enough to be helpful!

Tell DS1 dad is welcome and he can take DS1 out for lunch and you will do the same in a feed weeks time.

Planned escape route!

Honestly we arrived dropped stuff off and left them to it, bar a trip to Asda for extra supplies!

They don’t need you really.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 31/08/2025 15:43

We dropped ds1 at uni last year. I'm still with dh, ds2 who was the same age as your ds2 also came. We stayed over the night before, got him into his accommodation early, then went and bought food, got him some bits and pieces he needed and then took him back. Some of his flatmates were there by then so we helped him unpack then gave him the choice to have lunch with us or we left and he chose for us to go.

I think it we'd moved him in later it might have been more of a drop and go though as his flatmates would then have been about when we arrived.

I also went on my own to take a few forgotten things the following weekend and took ds1 out for lunch, it was a really lovely time to see him happy and excited and he was pleased to see me too.

In your situation you absolutely can't say whether his dad can come or not but it's totally reasonable to refuse to give him a lift and also to say that ds2 is coming and that doesn't have to impact on whether his dad comes out not. That's a separate consideration between ds1 and his dad and you'll respect whatever he chooses. But also to mention the alternative where he goes the following weekend.