To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

[stripycats]

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

But no chorous of denial.

Why would I need to deny anything to you? You were adamant I was being unfair to ex and now it's clear that he is a bit of a lame dad you have changed your line of attack. I don't know what's wrong with you really.

What a strange response. You clearly didn't get my point at all.
🙄

"your poor husband"

Think you jumped the shark there tbh, such an obvious troll post.

What a cute little world you live in, thinking that other people are interested in getting “your” point.

You actually are that blind

As someone who has recently gone through a horrendous divorce (ex left me for one of our friends, who was also married to someone who was our friend), I’d say suck it up and think of what your DS wants at this momentous life event in HIS life. I share a child with my ex and just over 2 years after the split manage to attend school events together, which OW also sometimes attends, and in due course have no doubt the 3 of us will be dropping off at university.

Oh behave……wtf. Talk about overthinking and crazy? Looked in a mirror lately????

😂😂😂

For some reason, you are determined to think the absolute worst of OP whose ex-DH cheated, gambled, was violent towards her, ostracised her from her family and emotionally abused her. Women often never recover from such abusive relationships and OP is second-guessing herself about the right thing to do for her son while keeping her distance from her abusive ex.

In a previous post, you told OP that you were sorry for the children that she teaches which was completely unfair and uncalled for. OP is voicing her worries and concerns on here so that they don't impact her son.

Her ex-DH is obviously an abusive cunt, but you have no harsh words for him, only for the OP who is trying to do her best for her son, unlike his dad.

And there you have one of the reason you divorce him. His lack of effort and how everything should revolve around him.
Good, at least he won't be in the middle.

An update by the OP, thanks.

You can still be sad that he won't be there for your son. That's only normal. As for him not paying any maintenance and holidays etc it shows his true colours to his son. It sounds like your son still wants some relationship with him, as he's changing plans to see him etc., assuming he's about 18 as he's going off to uni, perhaps it's time to tell him he's under no obligation to see him if he doesn't want to.

Oh no - not you again. I thought you had disappeared with your spiteful nonsense.
You just can’t see how your posts come across can you or you obviously don’t care.
I would bet that you are a poster on tattle life too giving your bitchy 2 pence worth in other peoples lives.

Your post doesn’t make sense. What hypocrisy? And why are you tweaking so much over it?

The hypocrisy is that the (not OP) poster claimed this forum is a place to express opinions.

But that same poster doesn’t want to allow me the space to express my opinions.

Does the hypocrisy make sense now?

There are two sides to every story.

The post was originally about the OP not wanting to give a lift to her ex.

The ex who did not mention or ask for a lift.

In amongst the posts about the non-existent lift-request, the OP managed to libel the ex on several occasions, whilst claiming that she never bad-mouths the ex.

Do you really believe that such a poster was utterly without any accountability or contribution to the breakdown of the marital relationship?

The ex was not involved in this post in any way: the OP conjured the whole thread out of her own anxieties.

Can you really not see that a person who imagines such difficulties, when they do not exist outside of her head, is hardly a balanced and truthful source able to recount an incident fairly and equally?

Triggered?

Not at all but you clearly were. Mirror being held up a bit much for you?

OP mentioning the abuse that she experienced from her ex on an anonymous forum is absolutely not 'libelling' her ex. You are so over dramatic and over invested that you are coming across as unhinged as though you have a personal vendetta against the OP.

In relation to OP claiming that she never bad mouths her ex, she has said that she hasn't ever told her children about their dad's abuse.

As her ex has mobility issues, she was worried that her son would want to offer his dad a lift and she understandably couldn't deal with a car journey with her ex in the car. As it turns out, he is going to be on holiday, rather than supporting his son so that's a relief for OP but possibly a disappointment for his son.

Are you this intense in real life?

It's not up to you whether your son's father comes to help him move in to university. Unfortunately. However, it IS up to you whether he gets in your car.

You are well within your rights to say no to this. The being there in general isn't for you to say yes or no to, he has just as much right as you do, and that's more about what your son wants.

Other posters have mentioned pretending you have things to do on the way back, or booking an overnight, to avoid him coming back with you. No. You don't have to do this. If he asks to come in your car, you simply say no, that wouldn't be appropriate or comfortable with the current situation.

But you are expressing your opinions in a horrible way. You can put your opinions across in a calm, non judgemental, kind way. But no - you choose to be a cow.
That’s on you.

I have always rather felt that there is opinion, and then there is random attack. When opinion veers into "you are a horrible person and I pity your spouse" aimed at anyone who disagrees with the person saying this, it ceases to have any value in discussion and becomes just the random railing of a person with no cogent argument to put forward.

I completely missed the update.

Your poor son, what a selfish loser for a dad.
He is very lucky with his mum however.
Take care of yourself OP.

You don’t make any sense.

Dad going to support his son would upset mum so that makes Dad wrong.

Dad going on holiday and not attending to see his son makes Dad wrong.

You’re such a hypocrite: trying to make Dad wrong no matter what.

Your behaviour is the definition of misandry.

Your kind will slow down the advances we’ve made with feminism.