Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 24 25

Original poster

To not want ex involved in uni drop-off?

615 replies

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:07

I am very aware I may be UR here so I would like to know what others think, especially if they have dropped dc off at university and are divorced.

Ds is going somewhere that is a 4 hour round trip away. He lives with me around 80% of the time and ex no longer drives due to a medical issue. Therefore, it has been a non-issue that I will be dropping off ds and for me it will be quite a challenging day. Obviously I'm immensely proud of ds and happy and excited for him that he's going to his first choice university and starting the next phase of his life. But this is tinged with sadness that he is leaving and I am going to miss him terribly.

We were discussing the plans yesterday and he mentioned his dad perhaps wanting to come and be involved. This completely took me aback as it had not occurred to me that he would be. Drop offs are, from what I've read, quite hectic (it's a city location) with not much time for hanging around. On a practical level I don't think it will work to be arranging to meet ex and having to factor that in. Moreover, I am absolutely not prepared to take him in the car. We are civil when required but barely speak. He has behaved in ways that are very hard for me to forgive, the details of which ds is of course unaware. But the thought of having him in the car on this difficult day is unbearable to me, especially on the way back when I would be otherwise on my own and am planning a good cry! Graduations, weddings etc - no issue at all and completely different. I will sit with him if needed, or not, and there will be no issue. But this is different.

I told ds I didn't think it would work him being there and he said maybe not but it wasn't up to me, which is fair enough to an extent. He said he isn't going to bring it up to his dad, but if his dad asks he isn't going to tell him he can't come. I get that but I honestly don't see the point. However, I didn't press that but did say I wasn't giving him a lift. Ds seemed fine with that and there are good train connections between the two places and ex travels by train a lot, so it should be fine. But I am just so worried on the day he will say something about the trains being a nightmare or there will be engineering works and I will end up having to offer a lift back. Without saying he categorically can't come I can't prevent that from happening.

So AIBU to say he can't come?

OP posts:

MsPavlichenko · 30/08/2025 12:58

stripycats · 30/08/2025 12:13

Yes, I thought of the space thing but it doesn't help on the way back if he puts me on the spot saying his train is a bus replacement etc. Not sure that he would but still.

Is it up to ds though @CaptainMyCaptain ? I get wanting him there but do I have to endure a nighmareish 2 hour long journey and have that possibility hanging over me for the sake of a drop off? If it was a big occasion like a graduation, yes, I would. But I don't think this is the same. But maybe I'm wrong.

The easiest solution is that you say No to that request. Practice, and steel yourself to do so if necessary. If you really struggle then invent ( in advance to your DC ) somewhere else you are going on the way home that takes you out of the way.

That said, the more you say No politely to folk the easier it gets.

Willowkins · 30/08/2025 13:02

My DD's first drop off was a scrum. Loads of parents, mad parking and a time slot which meant we had to leave by a specific time. What with signing in and getting all the stuff to the room, there wasn't time for a long goodbye.
I think you're going to need to find your happy place because it's hard enough to leave them without having your ex in your head. Plan something really nice for when you get home.

Praxoulla007 · 30/08/2025 13:05

The good thing about uni drop-offs (we've done 2, one at durham and one in london) is that they are rather quick. A case of taking photos, bringing in boxes and then disappear as quick as possible as they hate us hanging around (thats' our experience anyway). So after you've done that, just give DS a huge hug and jump in your car and leave. The fact you have a younger child at home is a good excuse to leave pronto and tell the ex that you are in a hurry if the issue comes up.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 30/08/2025 13:05

I do understand your points - but like others, I think this is your son’s call about whether his Dad comes or not. Completely reasonable to say to your son it is up to him and his dad will need to sort his own transport both ways if he wants to go. You could also suggest that maybe his dad could go the next day and see his room etc and buy him lunch ? Might be easier all round.

WobblyBoots · 30/08/2025 13:08

I don't have kids that age but I was a kid in a similar position. So for full disclosure I have baggage in this area!

It feels to me like your son is in an impossible situation in the middle of you and your ex. He has two parents and there are lots of occasions where he might want to you there such as graduation, weddings, kids, big birthdays. You say these are different from dropping him off at uni but I don't really see how. From the perspective of the kid I would think about how you and your ex can accommodate eachother in these inevitable situations. In your post you mention about his past behaviour that makes it difficult so apologies if I'm dismissing something painful, I don't mean to.

But I'm also a mother now and I'd probably feel exactly the same as you in this situation. It's very hard.

InterestedDad37 · 30/08/2025 13:09

Totally understand your reasons in your first post, all I'd say is please DON'T make son the go-between.
Son can also have a say as to whether or not he wants his father there, and father has a right to be there too, and you have every right not to be his transporter.

frozendaisy · 30/08/2025 13:10

I would just tell DS the basic truth saying great if Dad is there but he’s not coming in my car either way.
DS is 18, about to start adult life part of that is accepting adult decisions no matter how disappointed you might be.

harriethoyle · 30/08/2025 13:10

YABU to try and ban your ex from going.

YANBU to say you won’t give him a lift, there or back. You don’t have to facilitate his attendance and haven’t been asked to.

Your son’s reaction “it’s not up to you” when you tried to say his Dad couldn’t go is really telling. I suspect this isn’t the first time you’ve put him in the middle. Please don’t, particularly at what will be an exciting but nerve wracking time for your son. Put him first and suck your ex’s presence up.

ChopsyHatesFungus · 30/08/2025 13:11

In my experience as a parent and working in HE, I think the most successful drop offs for the students are the shortest ones.

Find the room, drop DS off with his stuff, wave good bye and go straight home or via somewhere nice for lunch and a quick sob.

If your ex wants to be involved, let him make the arrangements with DS directly and if you leave quickly, he doesn’t even have to bump into you.

The students that struggled to settle in were often the ones whose parents hung around for far too long, who tried to meet the other flat mates and generally struggle to let them go.

ZenNudist · 30/08/2025 13:13

alwayshungryhippo · 30/08/2025 12:27

I voted you are being unreasonable because it’s your sons decision whether he wants him there or not.
However, you are not being unreasonable for not wanting him in your car and he can make his own travel arrangements

This.

You will surely be dropping him and his stuff off, perhaps do a supermarket run, then get going. Don't hang around. Surely he will want to get on unpacking. Don't stay to do that for him. Leave him to make friends.

jonthebatiste · 30/08/2025 13:14

You can’t dictate what time your DS has his dad in his new home. This day isn’t about you. You seem to have planned out your day right down to when you’re going to cry - it’s actually your DS’s day more than yours. You still need to be his parent. He’s going to university 2 hours away. It’s a big deal for him at 18yo living semi-independently for the first time, not you as a grown woman.

You can dictate who sits in your car. It’s your car and nothing to do with anyone other than you.

I don’t see why you’re getting yourself worked up. You have to accept ex will be in the same space as you during unloading and set up. If he hints at or asks for a lift back, say “sorry, I’ve got plans, can’t help” and stick to it. Let it be obvious you just don’t want to do it if need be.

londongirl12 · 30/08/2025 13:15

Would you ex even want to be in the car with you for 2 hours on the way back?

Endofyear · 30/08/2025 13:16

I think you would be unreasonable to say he can't come (and you can't stop him anyway) and also I think it's up to your son whether he wants him there or not. But you are under absolutely no obligation to give him a lift under any circumstances, and you can make that very clear. If DS had a problem with that, tell him that you have very good reasons for not wanting to spend any time with your ex that you are not going to discuss with him. You can also say that you may well be feeling very emotional and a bit upset on the way back and you don't want your ex in your car.

At the end of the day there will be some things that you will have to share with ex because you have a child with him - graduation, weddings, christenings etc will all be part of your future and you can be pleasant enough and polite on these occasions. But I think you're well within your rights to not take him in your car, ever.

Endofyear · 30/08/2025 13:20

ChopsyHatesFungus · 30/08/2025 13:11

In my experience as a parent and working in HE, I think the most successful drop offs for the students are the shortest ones.

Find the room, drop DS off with his stuff, wave good bye and go straight home or via somewhere nice for lunch and a quick sob.

If your ex wants to be involved, let him make the arrangements with DS directly and if you leave quickly, he doesn’t even have to bump into you.

The students that struggled to settle in were often the ones whose parents hung around for far too long, who tried to meet the other flat mates and generally struggle to let them go.

I agree with this - when we dropped off our youngest, we helped him get his stuff in, said a quick hello to housemates, gave him a hug and left. I had a good cry on the way home! The halls he was in had a social night with dominos pizza and he stayed up late playing cards and getting to know his new housemates 😊

BigDeepBreaths · 30/08/2025 13:27

Why dont you suggest to your DS that as you will have 2 hrs with him to yourself in the car, you will drop him off and unload the car and then say your goodbyes so his Dad can help him unpack and settle in? Then you are free to go home solo…

Or, maybe suggest to your DS that you do drop off and then he makes a plan for Dad to do a day visit in a few weeks so he has that to look forward to and if there is anything else he needs at that stage Dad can bring it/take him shopping, and out for a nice lunch after forst weeks of student ‘dining’.

Original poster

stripycats · 30/08/2025 13:29

I definitely want the drop off to be short - there's no way I would be able to keep it together for hours on end and I know ds is keen to get on with it - he can't wait to go! That's kind of why I don't really think ex should be there - there isn't time. And with him arriving separately we have to factor in meeting him etc and it could just be very awkward.

I take the point about it being up to ds and I certainly don't want to put him in the middle. I don't know if it would be wrong to suggest he invites his dad for lunch on the following weekend instead and from that it may become clear he wants him there on the day and then I'll have to accept that. I'll have a response lined up for not giving him a lift either way.

OP posts:

Driftingawaynow · 30/08/2025 13:33

Just be honest with your son that it feels like an emotional one to say goodbye, you may be tearful and you want your time alone to process this, so you support him to have his dad there but need your space in the car. Model healthy boundaries, you don’t have to lie.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/08/2025 13:37

Compromise ... take him for your son's sake but ask if he would get the train home.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 30/08/2025 13:37

Compromise ... take him for your son's sake but ask if he would get the train home.

MotherofPufflings · 30/08/2025 13:39

You're absolutely right that the logistics involved with dropping off would make a meet-up difficult. And likely really awkward if he's just hanging about watching the "experience" of taking your child to university. Having done it 4 times, it's really just a matter of getting the keys, unloading as quickly as possible, maybe a bit of time helping them unpack and then getting out of their hair so they can meet their new flatmates!

If your ds really insists on his dad being involved then I'd suggest meeting for a quick lunch on campus. But even that is likely to be difficult logistically.

I would speak with your ds and suggest that he arranges for his dad to make a special trip either during his first weekend (which can be a bit lonely) or after he's settled in a bit. I genuinely think that will work better for both of them.

rainbowstardrops · 30/08/2025 13:47

I get where you’re coming from @stripycatsbut I think it’s up to your DS who he has there on the day. I certainly wouldn’t be giving ex any lifts though!
Mind you, when my son went to uni, we had a drop off slot and once the room was sorted (bedding etc) it was kind of expected to leave them to it. Oh and the rooms were quite small, so a bit cramped for three people, especially two that aren’t too keen on each other!
I’d explain all this to DS and suggest ex goes up later that day for dinner, or the next day/weekend but I don’t think you can stop him as he is his dad.
For all you know, ex hasn’t any intention of wanting to be with you either (not said in a mean way btw!)

Livpool · 30/08/2025 13:48

Christwosheds · 30/08/2025 12:54

I would just say no. That it’s a big moment for you and an emotional time and you need to be alone on the way back. You don’t need to justify it, or feel guilty, you don’t owe him anything . You are civil for the sake of your son, that is enough under the circumstances.

It is the son’s moment and up to him

Crayfishforyou · 30/08/2025 13:48

You’ve said you won’t have him in your car. That should be enough. Any complaints about the trains should be met with a ‘yes, they are a nightmare sometimes’ and leave it. If he presses it I would be blunt and say ‘I can’t face being two hours in traffic with you’.

Mulledjuice · 30/08/2025 13:49

OP, you do need to have a bit of a word with yourselves.

Teenagers do not realise or understand that their parents may have big emotions about waving them off to university, and frankly you shouldn't make that your son's thing to think about.

Once your son has gone to university he will have less time to spend with either of his parents even before you take into account any vacation jobs or travelling or study trips. Be careful that you dont make this such a black and white issue for you all that you end up alienating yourself from your son.

Maddy70 · 30/08/2025 13:51

This isn't about you. It's about your son. Yabu

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 24 25

Swipe left for the next trending thread