That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

[Haverviti]

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

I would be really upset. Also - he tried to cover it up. So he’s a deceitful liar too.

I would be very upset about this, especially his reaction and lying.

I wouldn’t be happy, I don’t like sneaky people

He knew it was not good thats why he lied. Hes now being defensive. Tbh, that would really annoy me.

Is he gay?

My DH is pretty shit about events, presents, etc but is a nice guy and importantly does not lie to me....

I let most things go but this would be very problematic for me. You've only been married a year!

This is incredibly weird. Is he definitely a mate from work. Dont know any men that book random spa days. Never mind ones that invite work mates to them. I would be livid with DH. Were you together long before marriage?

Wow, what did I just read? I'd be utterly gutted not only that he ditched me on our anniversary but that he lied by omission and then downplayed it and tried to make me out to be the unreasonable one. I think this might entirely change my view of the man who is supposed to love me above all else. I am sorry, you deserve better!

Is this out of character for him?

Strange. And a bit suspect. Not to mention selfish. I'd be very annoyed in your shoes.
Is he normally this much of an arse?

This.

Also is he gay? Choosing a man to.ho.to.a spa on his 1st wedding anniversary is very odd.

Wasn't a 'last minute' invite if he told you a week ahead he was 'busy'! It was your first anniversay, that's really bad of him to just ignore you like that and then try to cover up and dismiss the whole thing! I would be reading him the riot act.

Thanks everyone, it’s actually really validating to read your replies. I was sat here thinking maybe I was making too much of it, but clearly not.

To answer a couple of points - yes it was definitely a male workmate, I’ve met him before. They’re not especially close so that’s why it felt so weird. Like who randomly books a spa day with someone they don’t even see outside of work normally??

And yes, the lying/cover up bit is what’s really bothering me now. If he’d just said “X invited me to this spa thing, do you mind if I go?” I would still have been hurt but at least we could have talked about it. Instead I was led to believe he was just busy with work and then stumbled across it on Instagram.

We were together 3 years before getting married and he’s never done anything quite like this before, although he can be a bit thoughtless sometimes. I’m just floored that he didn’t see the importance of our first anniversary.

Well there you go, he’s showing you not only does he think you’re being dramatic and gaslighting you he obviously doesn’t care about the anniversary and wasn’t truthful. Married only a year you say…

It is a bit weird and I would be upset too.

I'm just wondering, what does a Friday usually look like for you guys?
Are you both usually at work?
Could this have been some sort of work freebie through his colleague?
It doesn't excuse the lying though.

Surely he wasn’t in the spa from 9am to midnight? I can see not turning down a freebie or going if it was a jolly during work hours, but only if you also celebrated together in the evening.
If he thought it was OK, he would’ve told you about it transparently.

Sorry OP.

May not be LTB territory but it’s definitely useful to find out what your husband is like this early in your marriage. Do you have children?

This should be the best of your relationship. If this is his best, is it enough for you? They usually get worse as time goes on so how do you picture him being in a few years time?

He’s shown a fantastically callous side that would be quite the turn off for me. To give you some background my DH told me 8 weeks before our 10th anniversary that he didn’t know if he wanted to get divorced then we all toddled off on our once in a lifetime holiday to celebrate our anniversary & a significant birthday for me. 1 year later and neither of us mentioned our anniversary and we’re limping on so we don’t put our kids through a divorce. The signs were there but I ignored them for a variety of reasons. I’m not too invested to leave. You have the option of getting out before you’re too entrenched. I’d seriously consider it.

I realise it is sexist, but I can't believe he would rather spend the time in a spa with a not particularly close mate/colleague than with his wife of 1 year on their wedding anniversary. It sounds like a bad joke! What did they do, have facials and pedicures together?

@Haverviti the first year of being married is very special, so him just seeing it as another day is pretty shit.

A spa day with a work mate is an odd choice for a man xx

I don’t think men take birthdays, anniversaries etc., as seriously as women do. It’s just a day. Celebrate on a different day

Theres no way he thinks this is acceptable. He is definitely projecting here and hiding something. Dig deeper.

Don't have babies with this man

I shall show myself up here as being probably incredibly sexist and old fashioned but do guys typically go for spa days? Certainly it' outwith my experience.
And as a pp said : all day??
I dont think you are getting the full story OP.
I think his deviousness and lack of honesty and his dismissive attitude to your first wedding anniversary is very concerning. And that's on top of wondering exactly what is going on in his life.
So sorry about your disappointment OP.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after.

"Ahh that's a shame, what you up to on that day?"

Why on earth did you feel this perfectly normal and reasonable reply would be 'pushing it'?

Is there an underlying problem with communication?

@Happyher if he just thought it was "just a day" he wouldn't have lied about what he was up to. He knew it was a shitty thing to do.

This is thoughtless at best, suspicious at worse. The fact he was trying to cover it up means he knows it’s not okay. It’s understandable to feel upset and disregarded.

I would be expecting him to make amends for this. I also think you should tread carefully as this behaviour isn’t trustworthy.