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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

239 replies

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 12:56

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

OP posts:
MomGran · 30/08/2025 21:00

I am so sorry to read this post.
His behaviour has shown you that he is not in love with you.
What are you going to do about it? You will never get the answer you want to hear, from him. It will be a draining and humiliating experience for you.
You are married only a year, no children, still easy enough to write it off.
When you do that, you will open the door for a new life with someone who truly loves you and who treats you well.
Trust your gut xx
Wishing you every happiness.

Mamamiaaaaa · 30/08/2025 21:12

Ummm…maybe he’s gay?? Goes with a male colleague to a spa date without his wife on his first anniversary…seriously might be in the closet

FattyMcFattyArse · 30/08/2025 21:17

Very. Very. Odd.

When invited, he should have said, "sorry that's my wedding anniversary. Maybe another time".

Was he reluctant to tie the knot?

It shouldn't be so, but straight men don't go to spas with other straight men.

And anyone who bins off their spouse for a work acquaintance is a selfish shithead.

ChilledBeez · 30/08/2025 21:20

Sorry OP, but this is really disturbing. The fact that its your 1st anniversary and he chooses to spend it with a man on a spa date is extremely weird. The fact he was deceitful about it makes it so much worse. It really does sound as if he is bi-sexual. Having a spa day with a male is weird in itself but the fact he dismissed our first anniversary makes it alarming. I would ask him if he is bi-sexual. You really need to know to protect yourself.

Grimandbearit · 30/08/2025 21:21

2 straight men don’t go to a spa together, unless it’s for happy endings, or go with women.
To choose to spend the day with a coworker instead of his wife on your FIRST anniversary, raises all the red flags.
Don’t waste any more of your time with this man please! A few years ago, my friend found out her DH of 5 years was actually sleeping with his male friend and they divorced. Unfortunately, my friend and he had a 2 yr old son. Don’t make her mistake…

TheGlitterFairy · 30/08/2025 21:28

Yeah wow - def not ok on so many levels. I’d be livid quite frankly

Busybeemumm · 30/08/2025 22:03

Did he have any intention of telling you that he went on a Spa day when he came back? I wouldn't have told him straight away that he was seen on Instagram to see if he says anything or stays quiet about it trying to hide it.

It's really hurtful that he didn't mark your first anniversary with you. Men don't just randomly go to a spa with a work mate.

Chinsupmeloves · 30/08/2025 22:16

Your first wedding anniversary and he does this? Sorry, this is unacceptable 😢 Those first few years are the most special as it's all still so new.

Many years later me and DH are aware of it and don't pull the flags out but do try to make an occasion of it. Xxx

ThistleTits · 30/08/2025 22:32

Happyher · 29/08/2025 13:28

I don’t think men take birthdays, anniversaries etc., as seriously as women do. It’s just a day. Celebrate on a different day

Perhaps, although he should be aware that his wife takes it seriously. Selfish, sly behaviour.

Shade17 · 30/08/2025 22:38

londongirl12 · 29/08/2025 13:56

Straight men don’t go to spa days together. They just don’t.

My best mate (of 25 years) and I have semi-seriously joked about it before, suggesting that we could go for 3-4 days of R&R at a spa or retreat. Might be something we do eventually for the mental health boost. We’re both straight and happily married but I can guess it might look odd from outside.

Munkyfuzzable · 30/08/2025 23:31

Happyher · 29/08/2025 13:28

I don’t think men take birthdays, anniversaries etc., as seriously as women do. It’s just a day. Celebrate on a different day

What about the lying and gaslighting? Claiming it was ‘last minute’, but he knew a week in advance to tell her he was ‘busy’. Then, he twists it so that her upset becomes an ‘overreaction’, which makes her question whether she is right to be hurt. It’s beyond ‘men not taking birthdays, anniversaries etc as seriously as women do’. He’s an asshole.

Silverfoxette · 30/08/2025 23:31

You are not being unreasonable

MillieMinx · 31/08/2025 00:16

That would be our first and last anniversary. That was a complete dick move and I’d be wondering if he’s actually gay

TheFunDog · 31/08/2025 01:18

Wow .. Just wow. ... This is not good.
I'd run for the hills... You're gonna get really hurt so get out now xx

coxesorangepippin · 31/08/2025 02:53

Are you sure this isn't staged by the mate, on insta and he was actually with another woman or something??

It seems like a really odd thing for two men to do

99bottlesofkombucha · 31/08/2025 03:04

That is pretty fucking unbelievable. Have you told anyone yet? Preferably in front of him, I cannot believe you know even one single person who wouldn’t be gobsmacked. It would make me reconsider my marriage, it’d be a short marriage for divorce purposes. I think he can move out while he decides if he values his wife or not.

HideousKinky · 31/08/2025 03:20

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 12:56

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

Hang on, his response doesn't even make sense - he told you he didn't want to to cancel on his friend, which implies an arrangement made some time in advance, yet he also claims it was a "last minute invite"

It's one or the other, it can't be both.... which suggests he was just making it up defensively when you challenged him

thebabayaga · 31/08/2025 03:21

So he's gay? Maybe bisexual? Even if, by some very weird happenstance, he is not gay or bi, he's treating you like shit and lying to you, I am sorry but your marriage is not going to last.

IsThistheMiddleofNowhere · 31/08/2025 07:34

I would have been really upset. We don't generally make a big deal of our anniversary but the first one is pretty important. I don't really get why he didn't turn down the spa offer as he had a valid reason even if you werent going to be going out

Tigerlily68 · 31/08/2025 07:57

Are you even sure it's a workmate? Or is he only introduced like that. Wondering what kind of "spa' it was. I think he only pretends its 'just' a workmate and 'not being close". LIES! I'm sorry for you

ArtichokesBloom · 31/08/2025 08:01

If my DH did this I'd assume he was having an affair with that person regardless of what sex they were. The deceptionjust adds to it. I suspect your marriage is over but he hasn't told you yet.

Isinglass20 · 31/08/2025 08:50

Are you from a different culture and was the marriage on his part a cover to protect his sexuality?
A brutal truth and I’m sorry. I say this because you seem so deferential to his reluctance to acknowledge the first wedding anniversary.
You appear not to know him very well even after three years.

Muffinmam · 31/08/2025 08:53

Was this a male colleague or a female colleague?

Has your husband made any plans to build an art room for his “friend”?

RedRec · 31/08/2025 09:03

coxesorangepippin · 31/08/2025 02:53

Are you sure this isn't staged by the mate, on insta and he was actually with another woman or something??

It seems like a really odd thing for two men to do

I wondered that too.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 31/08/2025 09:52

Shade17 · 30/08/2025 22:38

My best mate (of 25 years) and I have semi-seriously joked about it before, suggesting that we could go for 3-4 days of R&R at a spa or retreat. Might be something we do eventually for the mental health boost. We’re both straight and happily married but I can guess it might look odd from outside.

Show quote history

Completely different scenario than the one the OP posted.

You haven't done it, just talked about it.

The person is your best mate, not a supposedly barely known colleague.

It sounds like it would be a carefully planned trip if it happened.

So please let me know how this relates to OP's situation in any way, shape or form.