That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

[Haverviti]

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

He omitted the truth and that’s as
nasty as a lie

@Happyher @ErlingHaalandsManBun The OP said that it wasn't a major issue for her that he wasn't available to celebrate the anniversary with her on the day itself. She said "I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after."

What is more concerning is that he actively kept what he did that day from her, despite the fact that it was an interesting / unusual outing.

• He didn't make any mention of his fun, last-minute, once-off, luxury, unusual event to her when he let her know several days in advance that he would be busy on their anniversary day.
• He didn't casually mention anything on the morning of the day, for instance that he would be leaving the house later than usual as he was heading to the spa with Mike or "Hey Honey, I'll be back around 9 p.m. tonight, like I told you the other day, 'cause Mike and I are heading to Green Hills after work."
• Nor did he come home after the fabulously relaxing spa session and say "Mike and I were at Green Hills this afternoon to use up his birthday voucher. Wow, it was amazing. You and I should definitely go some time." or "It's a nice place, but it felt a bit weird after all it just being him and me."

Also, it is bizarre that he would go on a spa day, that included dinner nota bene, with Mike who he never socialises with outside work.

This is the sort of rubbish my ex would pull. Not spa days but trips elsewhere with his mates when we had limited funds and then trying to cover his tracks. One of the many, many reasons I kicked him out in the end. I would suggest your husband pulls his act together and start prioritising you and your feelings or piss off xx

This
It wouldn't bother me

No I am not. I was talking to that poster about her expectations chat which was basic things like buy me a card. If you’re married to someone you shouldn’t need a chat really about basic things like that.

It was the whole day? This was at least a foursome (mixed?). Other "activities" were probably on the menu. You are better than this male person. Get out now and find someone somewhere better than him.

Spa day with a bloke from work,who he never socialises with .WEIRD!!!

Are you absolutely and completely certain that he went with 'Mike from work' and 'Mike from work' only, and that he actually went to the spa and stayed there and isn't using 'going to the spa with Mike from work' as code for 'Mike is covering my ass because really I am going out with Dora from accounts.'

Although any man stupid enough to dip out on his FIRST WEDDING ANNIVERSARY for any reason at all is asking to be firstly found out big time and secondly dumped resoundingly.

You also aren’t bothered if your husband lies to you ?

If this happened to me, I would start really snooping in order to find out the truth of my own life.

I think gay or bi too. Not because it's a spa (FFS) but because he is choosing a male friend to go with over his wife of one year and has lied and manipulated in order to keep that date. This is not normal behaviour but I would have to find out how bad it really is.

I totally agree with you and have been fortunate enough not to need to do it but if you peruse the posts on here, you will find an awful lot of women who do need to explain to their partners what they would like. My sister's first husband bought her a mower for one birthday and followed by a full drill and bit set for Christmas, her second husband was the opposite, he carried in his wallet a list of her sizing from dresses to gloves and hats; they were like chalk and cheese.

I agree you should not have to do it but to avoid a lifetime of disappointment and the smell of burning martyr, sometimes, you jut have to.

I’d be very upset about this. You need to tell him how much this meant to you so that in future he knows what you expect

This. Totally odd

I really, really get your hurt @Haverviti
I booked our honeymoon hotel for our first anniversary, one night, organized baby sitter, wore something nice. Paid for everything.
We were in the bar after dinner having drinks, in walks some bloke he knew. Completely random. My exh, bloke and hotel manager ended up having a 'lock in'. I went to bed about 10ish, felt so lonely and hurt. Exh stumbled in drunk about 3am.
First anniversary. That was the level of contempt he had for our relationship. He never got more thoughtful or more considerate or put me first. I divorced him 6 years later.
Your dh could have had a lads day on any of the other 364 days.

He is telling you loud and clear where you fit and slot into HIS life. It seems to me that you do not rate very highly on his scale of important things.

He is either gay or he has such disrespect for your marriage that spending the day with a work colleague was better than you!

You're definitely not being unreasonable. If he'd forgotten and booked something else, the normal thing to do is say to your mate "oh sorry its actually my first wedding anniversary, I can't do our thing after all" and celebrate with your wife. Being so secretive about it as well is really weird. Could he not have changed the date of the spa day? Or his mate given his place to you even?

I'd be fucking fuming!

First he lied which is a definite issue. Secondly he had a jolly without you, and thirdly, you say money is a bit tight yet he spent money on a spa. On your 1st anniversary FFS! That man would be lucky if he had sex with me for 6 months while I considered if I wanted to stay married to him.

I'd have expected him to have kept our first wedding anniversary free to spend time with me - even if it's just a frozen pizza & cheap bottle of wine in front of a DVD.

What a selfish bastard. 😡

My DH has always (over 40 years married) made sure that we spend our anniversary together & do something special.

Not worth keeping , is this the start of something nasty, divorce is the only way

So you haven’t got much money and he went on a spa day?!

Is he gay?? You really don’t get many men at spas with their mates.

he was totally U to lie to you, not tell you his plans, and to prioritise his mate over you. Very hurtful.

I booked tickets for me and a friend to see my favourite band. The date rang a bell but I couldn't remember why.

It was DH who pointed out why the date was familiar 😂. Our first wedding anniversary.

It's let him off the hook ever since.... And I still can't remember the date!

However, mine was a genuine oversight, I didn't do it surreptitiously or behind his back. So, in your shoes I wouldn't be happy with the way he went about it.

A spa day with a male friend?

oh come on!

https://youtube.com/shorts/gLrku1qTjrM

Is the spa called Chariots?

This made me laugh think they are all closed now

I wouldn't mind the spa day but I would mind the random cover up! Why didn't he just tell you?

Even if it was a spa day, aren’t they normally finished by about 5 or 6pm? Wouldn’t he have been home in time to celebrate anyway? Did he stay over?