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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

239 replies

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 12:56

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

OP posts:
Owly11 · 31/08/2025 10:01

A spa day? That he is trying to hide from you and you saw it on social media? That’s a hard no from me, irrespective of what day of the week it is. He is testing your boundaries to see how much shit he can get away with. It’s time to get firm and discuss expectations about honesty and letting each other know plans. But to be honest it sounds like you have a very hard road ahead and it might be better to move on now while you can, especially as you seem a bit uncertain about your own boundaries. I personally would probably end this relationship now.

Shade17 · 31/08/2025 12:07

ColinOfficeTrolley · 31/08/2025 09:52

Completely different scenario than the one the OP posted.

You haven't done it, just talked about it.

The person is your best mate, not a supposedly barely known colleague.

It sounds like it would be a carefully planned trip if it happened.

So please let me know how this relates to OP's situation in any way, shape or form.

Show quote history

Are you capable of reading? It was a reply to a different poster and not the OP’s situation directly.

T1Dmama · 31/08/2025 15:09

The right thing to do would’ve been to say ‘thanks for the invite mate, but that’s my wedding anniversary so I’ll be spending it with my wife!
but having agreed to go (maybe he forgot the date 🙄) the next thing would’ve been to 1) tell you and not lie… and 2) say I’m so sorry, I booked it without thinking and then couldn’t back out, I’ve been a dick but will make it up to you!

The fact he’s not owning his mistake and is instead blaming you ‘for overreacting’ is a huge red flag and very gaslighty!

Diblin93 · 31/08/2025 16:11

He’s showing you what he’s really like - please pay attention. You’ve only been married one year. Do you really want to invest any more of your life with this man? I read your post to my husband; he thought your husband’s behaviour, lying, gaslighting was awful.

Crunchy7 · 31/08/2025 16:53

Is he in the closet? Seems very weird to me ?

HarrietHedgehog · 31/08/2025 17:38

I’ve been married for 50 years and we’ve only celebrated our anniversary a few times. Either we both forgot or one or other of us was working.
However, I’ve never allowed OH to forget my birthday.
A lot of the replies here seem to be actively encouraging you to end your marriage, whereas I expect your OH made an arrangement without realising it was his wedding anniversary and then didn’t want to back down.
If your relationship is good in every other respect, give the guy another chance.

Rose124 · 31/08/2025 18:34

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 12:56

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

Your DH sounds like a Tw**t. Similar to mine😂.Also l am here on mums talk- why am l hearing about what your DH been up to ??

CurlyCabbage · 31/08/2025 18:51

HarrietHedgehog · 31/08/2025 17:38

I’ve been married for 50 years and we’ve only celebrated our anniversary a few times. Either we both forgot or one or other of us was working.
However, I’ve never allowed OH to forget my birthday.
A lot of the replies here seem to be actively encouraging you to end your marriage, whereas I expect your OH made an arrangement without realising it was his wedding anniversary and then didn’t want to back down.
If your relationship is good in every other respect, give the guy another chance.

The issue is not that he may have forgotten the anniversary or that he does not value celebrating anniversaries ( of which this is only the first!!) Its that he’s lied and in very suspicious circumstances. Tell me, what would you think if on your first anniversary your DH had arranged a spa break with another man, not even a close friend. A man from work. He knew he was attending in advance, he’s lied about it and then he’s gas lit her when shes randomly come across a social media post about it.

Many, have in no way told the OP to LTB but certainly she has to review what this relationship is about if this is what is happening 1y in. She has no dependents or reason to accept this sort of crap.

99problems99 · 02/09/2025 16:17

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 12:56

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

My god what a prick

Caroparo52 · 02/09/2025 16:20

Sorry op. That's a real kick in the teeth. He went somewhere nice with a bloke from work rather than celebrate an important milestone with his dw. Wtf?

thebabayaga · 02/09/2025 23:29

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 13:07

Thanks everyone, it’s actually really validating to read your replies. I was sat here thinking maybe I was making too much of it, but clearly not.

To answer a couple of points - yes it was definitely a male workmate, I’ve met him before. They’re not especially close so that’s why it felt so weird. Like who randomly books a spa day with someone they don’t even see outside of work normally??

And yes, the lying/cover up bit is what’s really bothering me now. If he’d just said “X invited me to this spa thing, do you mind if I go?” I would still have been hurt but at least we could have talked about it. Instead I was led to believe he was just busy with work and then stumbled across it on Instagram.

We were together 3 years before getting married and he’s never done anything quite like this before, although he can be a bit thoughtless sometimes. I’m just floored that he didn’t see the importance of our first anniversary.

He did see the importance of the day, but he preferred to spend it with his boyfriend. I'm sorry he did this to you.

Millytante · 03/09/2025 03:15

Haverviti · 29/08/2025 13:07

Thanks everyone, it’s actually really validating to read your replies. I was sat here thinking maybe I was making too much of it, but clearly not.

To answer a couple of points - yes it was definitely a male workmate, I’ve met him before. They’re not especially close so that’s why it felt so weird. Like who randomly books a spa day with someone they don’t even see outside of work normally??

And yes, the lying/cover up bit is what’s really bothering me now. If he’d just said “X invited me to this spa thing, do you mind if I go?” I would still have been hurt but at least we could have talked about it. Instead I was led to believe he was just busy with work and then stumbled across it on Instagram.

We were together 3 years before getting married and he’s never done anything quite like this before, although he can be a bit thoughtless sometimes. I’m just floored that he didn’t see the importance of our first anniversary.

How extremely metrosexual of them.
I can’t imagine any bloke I ever knew, even my beloved, non-macho brother, willingly spending a day at a spa, or anything adjacent in nature.
On a date very unlikely to have slipped his mind, too. Nah. No way.

God, I hope it wasn’t some shady place hinting at ‘happy endings’, pretending to be all about chakras and chi.

Millytante · 03/09/2025 03:17

99problems99 · 02/09/2025 16:17

My god what a prick

Show quote history

I imagine that’s an exclamation heard a lot in that there spa.

malificent7 · 03/09/2025 03:23

Is it too lte to annul?

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