That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

[Haverviti]

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

I asked DH about this and he said he would never go to a spa with someone from work - unless it was specific for acupuncture or something for his bad back (and even then that is a big stretch!!) He'd just go with me to a spa.

He said the same thing as other people, that this sounds a little fruity. Sorry OP.

This is so fucking weird.

A colleague acquaintance (at best), invites your husband to a spa day last minute on your anniversary. Your husband lies to you about it, he's there all day/night. The barely acquaintance posts it on social media.

Please assess the situation. This is bizarre and there is definitely more to this than meets the eye.

You need to get to the bottom of it and decide what to do after that, because the scenario he is selling you, did NOT happen.

Your DH would rather spend his wedding anniversary with Gary from HR than you? Honey, he is gay and Gary is his boyfriend.

Was Cher playing in the background?

This is very odd op. Two straight men on a spa day together? And he clearly knew it was a problem or he would have told you about it from the start!

Well, I'm a woman, and I'm not even sure which month we got married in, but if it mattered to DH, I'd make a point of remembering.

What sort of man goes on a spa day with a male work colleague on his first wedding anniversary? Selfish, unloving, but something else too, I’m not sure what. Everything about this is weird as hell, before you even get to the lies and deception.

He lied about enjoying a spa day, on your anniversary, with a colleague he's not particularly close to? 🤔.

I usually steer away from 'he's having an affair', but this feels like his special someone.

On your first anniversary too? Whatever it is - 🚨🚨🚨.

Nah sorry, just don't get the fuss.

It IS just a day. Plenty of other days either side to knock back some wine and have a takeaway. I just couldn't get upset about this. But then DH and I don't really celebrate anniversaries and stuff like that.

I think celebrating things like anniversaries just don't mean the same to the majority of men.

But just a thought, you thought you were doing nothing fancy, bottle of wine etc, but did you actually communicate this to him and have a conversation over what you would do, if anything, for your anniversary? Or because nothing had been discussed you just assumed you would be doing something like that.

He told you he was going to be busy on the day itself, and again you assumed it was a work thing, do you not talk to one another? Just in general conversation I would have asked 'what are you up to?' Its not wrong to just ask the question as to what he was going to be doing.

@ErlingHaalandsManBun whilst not everyone cares about doing something every anniversary, your first is usually quite a big occasion!

Regardless of the fact that it was your first wedding anniversary... I would definitely think something odd was going on if my partner went on a spa day with a male work colleague and also tried to hide it from me. I don't think I know any straight man who would do this, honestly.

If he'd been open about it, I'd have thought 'OK, unusual, but it's 2025 so I'm not going to be sexist about it'. But the fact that he tried to hide it would make me suspicious.

It being your anniversary just adds insult to injury really.

@ErlingHaalandsManBun I don't think not celebrating the anniversary is the biggest of OPs problems here.

I'm the same in that no celebration for anniversaries etc., but no need to poo poo people who do.

Also wondering if he’s gay. Cannot see 2 straight male work colleagues going for a spa day together. Odd.

I would find this highly suspicious and you are not wrong to be upset about it. Can you describe the Instagram pictures? Is it a selfie of the two of them or a picture of just your husband?

Haven't read all the replies just yours OP.

You're bound to have been upset, especially as it was your 1st anniversary but had he of really wanted to go fine.

It's his attitude that would have pissed me off, not discussing it, I very much doubt it was that last minute and he could still have been home at a decent time, wine/takeaway in hand.

I'd have pulled him up on that alone just to be clear to him and let him know that he can knock it on the head as it's not something you'll stand for.

Hopefully you're not in a rush to have a child with your DH because there's a chance you're seeing what your future will be like.
Take note....
I always advise forethought is so much better than hindsight.

I’m sorry op, but that’s wild, two blokes from work go on a spa day together, and your issue is he lied and missed your anniversary, not he’s sneaked of with some man he’s apparently not that close to, to spend a spa day together. Cos yes that totally common place. I’m afraid I’d also assume they were a couple.

I know what I'd be doing from now on, playing the pretend normal game.Not a mention of our wedding anniversary or the spa day. Let him think all is forgotten now. Then one day, I would watch his mate leave work, and, follow him. Hoping to catch him going to the supermarket, the chippy, the shop, the doctors etc. Then, I'd whizz in there after him and do the "fancy seeing you here routine!" Make a bit of small talk, then hit him with "did you have a good time on your spa day"? And, stand back & wait

I just find it weird that you would tell your wife you are ‘busy’ without saying why.

Weird.
Did he get a card or present at least - on the day?

I’d pull back. Chanel his energy. If he makes a fuss about you going out with your friends every weekend there may be hope. If he doesn’t care theres a deeper problem.
You’ve been married a year, you should be all over each other.

It is not normal to go on a spa day with a friend on your first wedding Anniversary, in fact it's a really odd thing to do as a man to.

“He’s never done anything quite like this before” that you’ve found out about OP

No you're not unreasonable to be hurt, I would have thought you would be his priority on your first anniversary! Also, I think it's a weird thing to do, have a spa day with his workmate? 🫤 I can't imagine my DH having a spa day with a friend from work! Are they close?

my usual question. What does he bring to the party? and yeah "spa day with a work colleague"? really?

I'm sorry OP - that is a really shitty thing to do on your 1st anniversary.

Call me cynical, but it seems a bit suspicious to me. Your DH hardly ever sees this mate outside work, but all of a sudden he spends your entire anniversary day with him at a spa. 🤨

Sounds like a cover up to me - planned by your DH with his mate helping him. ☹

Make sure you are very busy/out of the country on his birthday.