That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

[Haverviti]

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

I'm really sorry OP, that's shitty. Your first wedding anniversary should be special, however you spend it. Doesn't have to cost much, but you should do it together! I would have been angry, then upset, then really down.

DH and I both forgot our first anniversary, because we just aren't bothered about them, but I think it's perfectly valid for you to want to mark the day, and he should make the effort not because he "should want to" but because it is important to you, and that's what you do for people you love.

Usually i eye roll when people say leave.
But yeah, so many levels of not ok here and he won’t even acknowledge it so how are you meant to move forward from it? Don’t put up with this shit only one year in. You don’t deserve that.

He lied about it so he knows he was in the wrong. I don't know how you row back from this - he's deceitful and doesn't care much about your feelings. Sorry, OP. 💐

Or a couples massage with a happy ending 😳

This, surely that's a normal conversation to have?
id expect DH to ask the same if it was the other way around too

This.
Leaving aside the whole spa thing, why would it be "pushing it" to have a perfectly normal conversation with your DH about plans?

Does he often refuse to communicate?
Do you often 'think' or assume instead of talking to him?
Are you nervous of 'upsetting' him?

Agree about the ‘busy’ comment.

I would have said ‘oh you have something on after work - what?’

What time did he get back? Was the spa far away or local?

I'm pretty sure most men would be weirded out if Jim from accounts,who isn't a close mate, randomly asked if they'd go to a spa day with them.
I just can't imagine most ordinary everyday blokes thinking "what a fantastic idea,it's only my first wedding anniversary that day,no problem at all"
Very odd.

Even if you don't feel like birthdays and anniversaries are important (I don't except for my kids) you celebrate them if someone you love finds them important (my DH def does). It's a complete lack of attention to you but what is even worse is doing something fancy with someone else said day. And this if your first anniversary, not your 13th or 26th. It shows how little he cares about you.

Secondly this is just weird. I don't know any man who goes to a spa day with a mate from work you barely know. So either:

1. He's bisexual and it was romantic.

1. It was a foursome with women there. Two guys cheating covering up for each other with "bloke spa day".

None of them are good.

That's awful. He turned down your suggestions. Did he bother organising anything else?

This is beyond weird. Firstly I don’t know many men who would go on a spa day with their mates, but this wasn’t even a mate, it was a work colleague who he doesn’t even see outside of work!
Yet he picked him over you on your anniversary?!
You sure he’s not gay/bi? Something a little more going on with this ‘colleague’
I’d be pretty upset and hurt that he’d choose a nobody over me on our anniversary. He knows it’s wrong that’s why he tried to hide it too

What kind of 'spa;?

I don't know any straight men who would voluntarily go to a spa for a whole day with a mate, let alone a random bloke from work. My DH isn't the most blokey of blokes and he wouldn't.....

So was he out all day? Did you not ask what ‘busy’ thing he had on?
All sounds very odd.

Nah. He's a lying wanker, I'd be really pissed off with this!

These comments might not be in the right order, but this is just as they come to me!

Some straight men DO enjoy spa days. We had a work team build, all women and 1 man. Someone suggested a spa day but we started to say that wasn’t fair on the 1 bloke on the team - he immediately interrupted to tell us he LOVES spa says! In fact, he booked the most additional self-paid for treatments! He was the first into a robe and slippers etc. definitely straight, he was just confident enough to say “actually, I quite like being pampered”. So a man going on a spa day isn’t automatically suspicious! Could it have been a team building thing but he and the other guy were the only blokes so stuck together?

He should have told you the truth. I agree the lying and covering up is the biggest red flag here - if it was fully innocent, why lie? Best case scenario, he was worried you’d be hurt and wanted to save your feelings. Only you can know if this is likely to be the case if not.

If it was just him and this guy, I’d be questioning who is he - because 2 good friends going is one thing, going with someone they claim to barely know doesn’t sound right.

Did he do anything nice for your anniversary?

’He genuinely can’t see what the problem is’.

Clearly not true or he wouldn’t have hidden it from you.

What an arse.

Being charitable - does he have to network for his job?

I would be very pissed off OP & expecting him to make it up to you somehow. Please dont have children with this man in a rush.

I would also feel suspicious that he wasn’t at the spa that day. All you have is a photo that the friend uploaded that day - a convenient alibi. Could have been taken any time. Is it very clear and identifiable that they are where they say they are? Whilst it’s not policed, the spa I go to states no photography. At the very least I’d be concerned as others have said that there were two women going that day and the men followed, and it’s a coincidence it was your anniversary.

Two MEN going for a Spa day together?

This is not what straight men do.

I would be furious that he would rather spend your first wedding anniversary at a spa with a colleague from work who he isn't particularly close to rather than his wife. It's just mind boggling why he would choose to do this. It might be different if it was his best mate or family member but just a random guy from work? Something doesn't add up.

And agree with others, the lying and covering up is a massive red flag. It implies to me that he will lie about all sorts of shit in your relationship.

WTF!!! What an utterly selfish thing to do and lying too. This doesn't bode well at all for the long term.
LTB.

My husband loves a spa day, we've literally just booked to do it on our anniversary weekend. But he would never just go a with a work colleague or even one of his male friends, he just wouldn't. Im sorry, it does sound like there is more to this.

He’s basically pushing you to end it.
honestly he knows this is beyond shitty behaviour and he’s doing everything to show you who he really is x