That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

[Haverviti]

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

Yes not good at all , even to say can't be trusted and planning for a divorce may be in order , l mean a spa day , so what next girlfriends , maybe think of not making long term plans

Just weird...I'd say romantically involved and now he's cross that you've found out...

I don’t think I could remain married to him OP. Seriously.

It's weird that he was sneaky.

If he thought it was no big deal why wouldn't he have just said "can't do that day as I've promised Dave from work that we'll have a spa day".

My husband is autistic and while he'd never cross the threshold of a spa he does do things sometimes which he genuinely can't understand why it might cause some annoyance/upset (e.g. going for a quiz night on my birthday because he always goes to said quiz night on a Thursday). But he's never sneaky about it.

The fact your husband hid it means he knew it would cause and issue. Otherwise he'd have just said.

Ask him why he was sneaky. I don't think it's necessarily sus for two straight guys to have a spa day (unusual, sure, but hey we like what we like) but the hiding IS sus.

Not loving the deceit.

Married a year and already showing shitbag traits. If he didn’t think it was a big deal why didn’t he tell you instead of telling you he’d be ‘busy’? And if it was a last minute invite he clearly forgot about your anniversary or didn’t give a shit, or he wouldn’t have accepted it.

Probably gay.

I’d be wondering what else he’s doing behind your back.

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... he's gay. I'm sorry but there's not one straight man I can think of who would willingly want to go to a spa day with a male colleague. Never mind the fact that it coincided with his wedding anniversary. The fact he lied by omission and then made light of your upset is also a red flag. You need to do more digging and be prepared to uncover a whole other side to your DH.

@Haverviti I think that the time has come for the expectations conversation so that this does not happen again.

"For my birthday, I expect you to take me out for dinner, buy me a present that you know I will enjoy and a card. For Christmas, I will give a list and you can surprise me from that but spend no more than £X. For Valentines a card and... Now, as you have cocked up our first anniversary, you will be making up for this during the rest of our time together..." My boss for his 20th anniversary conspired with the florist in his village to recreate his wife's wedding bouquet.

And now, you can tell me what you would like...

I agree with this because I'm old, have worn a groove around the block and know that it doesn't improve.

He's lied and manipulated too. He has been 'thoughtless' in the past.

I think I would skip out of this marriage while it is a marriage of short duration and get divorced.

I don't think I would ever really be able to let this go and I would also assume that he is up to no good but even without that, he sounds moronic at best.

Because he goes to a spa ? Really ?

is there any chance he is secretly gay?

sorry I wrote this then saw it had been mentioned

reasons - secrecy, pretending mate isn't much of a mate / actual spa location aka it used to be saunas when cottaging was a big thing...

This sort of behaviour thrives on silence.
I’m sorry to say this but your DH needs a dose of reality via societal shame. I’d suggest contacting some friends and arrange to be out with them when he gets home. Then post a pic with a caption explaining you fancied celebrating your 1st anniversary but DH decided to prioritise fun with mates… luckily your mates came to the rescue

I wouldn’t really see issue with it as you said it was this week, so surely you’d be at work? Unless they did an evening spa (which is a bit unlikely?). Don’t most people have a meal together in the evening or do something at the weekend.

It is odd he had to lie about it though?

It seems a ridiculous leap but I'll admit to also wondering if he's gay 😳
He's not trust worthy, whatever his reasons for going. You are not his priority.
I'd be furious/very upset.

If the bloke isn't a good mate, why were you looking at his Instagram OP? I find that a bit odd too.

Well many men don’t go to a spa in the first instance.

If they do go (absolutely nothing wrong with it) then often they go with their partner or failing that a good mate or family or even alone.

They don’t tend to go with a colleague or someone they don’t supposedly know well.

I have no idea either way in this instance but it certainly is unusual. Doesn’t mean it wasn’t innocent but odd he would go with a colleague in the first instance, but very weird it was on their first anniversary when he must have known his wife would likely want to do something special and finally he was evasive about it which is very odd.

My first thoughts were he's gay. The fact his colleague posted it on instagram is very telling...

I don't know if I would be gutted or furious, but it would sure be one of the two. I'm sorry he is such a wanker.

Very very odd

How depressing that women need to do this with some men!

Is his colleague gay? I’m not one for stereotypes as two men could go to a spa but the fact it was his wedding anniversary and he lied. Weird!

but what that poster lists… I wouldn’t want from a partner. So you’re presuming that all women want their men to do this.

This is a good point. What made you look at one of his work colleagues instagram? Unless he was tagged in the post?