That DH went to a spa on our first wedding anniversary… but not with me?

[Haverviti]

So DH and I have been married a year. Nothing fancy planned for our first anniversary as we’re not exactly flush right now, but I thought maybe a meal out, or even a takeaway and a bottle of wine at home, just something to mark it.

He told me earlier in the week he was going to be “busy” on the actual day. I assumed work stuff so I didn’t push it, thought maybe we’d celebrate the day after. Anyway… turns out he actually went on a spa day. With his mate from work.

I only found out because I saw the photos on said mate’s Instagram. When I asked DH about it he said it was a “last minute invite” and he didn’t think it was a big deal, plus he didn’t want to cancel on him. Then he told me I was being dramatic and that it’s “just a day” and we can celebrate another time.

I feel really gutted. It’s our first wedding anniversary, surely that’s something you prioritise? I wouldn’t have minded a really low key thing, I just feel like he chose to go off for a nice relaxing day with someone else instead of me. He genuinely can’t see what the problem is and says I’m overreacting.

AIBU to be upset about this???

Your husband spent his first wedding anniversary in a spa with a coworker he's not especially close to.

And your husband lied by omission about it.

Read that again. And again.

Your marriage is toast.

This is really fucking weird. A spa day? With a work mate? This would be odd on any day. But on your first wedding anniversary? It’s like he’s trying to send you a particularly cruel message. In your shoes I’d be focused on what that message is.

I've never heard of two men who aren't a couple going for a spa day. Unless it was a particular type of 'spa'.

He doesn’t see it as big deal

This.

It’s super weird. Dh actually quite enjoys a spa day. We’ve done several together. I cannot imagine him going off to sit in a sauna and relax having a cream tea with Bob from work who he doesn’t even socialise with except once a year at the Christmas party.

My question would be, since you saw him with his friend on social media, was he there only with his friend? Or was it Lucy the admin girl and Bob and his girlfriend?

Secondly, all other weirdness aside, it’s the fact that he had nothing planned for your anniversary, such that when a “last minute invite” from some random at work came through, he jumped at it. Was he planning to just never acknowledge your anniversary? Is he intentionally avoiding you or not wanting to even think about the milestone because he’s checked out? That’s much more worrying.

This is really not on. Even if he was apologetic and said “so sorry, I’ve got roped into this spa thing with Ben, let’s celebrate the day after” it would still be weird!!

Is he conflicted about the relationship. It seems like a subconscious snub to you… Along similar lines, my ex went for dinner at a very romantic spot I’d mentioned I’d love to visit. Instead he took his friend. He also broke wedding gifts, supposedly accidentally. Looking back, I don’t think he wanted to be married to me; very sad. Trust your instincts and don’t rush into having children; and if he often leaves you feeling hurt, confused, uncared for, just end it. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

Are there any photos with women in the spa that didn’t get uploaded, I wonder.

Sorry OP, this is too weird. Are you sure he's not bisexual? My other thought is that perhaps it was a foursome - maybe there were two women there with them. It would be easy not to include them in photos etc. Either way, I don't think this was just an error of judgement (thoughtless man ha ha ha). I think this was planned and there's more to it than he's letting on.

This is shitty behaviour and he knows it. I'd be fuming. Have you raised it with him?

YANBU

He knew it was 'wrong' in the sense that he made plans to do something with someone else on your anniversary, something you would have loved to have done with him yourself; it's why he wasn't truthful about what he was doing from the start.

I wouldn't be looking at him in quite the same way anymore ... I'd be taking a hard look. Has he slid into taking you for granted? Not that 'into you' anymore, a mere year into your marriage?

Also, he took a days annual leave for a hardly known work mate but nothing for you.

You are way down his pecking order aren't you?

Take care of yourself, really well, because he has demonstrated he will not.

Hmm, so he covers up a spa day with a workmate he's not really close to? I'm sorry but I'd be seriously wondering if there's more between them. I know it might seem impossible, but I've come across numerous "happily married" (to a woman) men over the years who fool around with men on the side.

Is it a reputable spa?

This is weird as fuck, he’s either secretly bi, this is one of those ‘spa’s’, or there were other women involved.

You should be furious @Haverviti he would rather be with a random work colleague than you on your 1st wedding anniversary.

Don’t have kids with this man, your life will be miserable.

definitely a male workmate, I’ve met him before. They’re not especially close so that’s why it felt so weird. Like who randomly books a spa day with someone they don’t even see outside of work normally

When something doesn't make sense, it's usually a lie.

I'd be asking him if he's shagging his mate me, because nothing he's saying sounds like the truth.

I'd be getting an STI check.

If he’d said oh my mate has invited me to this, it’s on our anniversary but I really want to do it, do you mind and we’ll celebrate the next day / in the evening instead, just bad timing, sorry… that would have been fine. But to try and cover it up by omission is really weird.

Did you ever say in the run up, oh what shall we do for our anniversary?

This is really, really weird. Is he gay? Why has he secretly gone on a spa day with a male work colleague he’s not close to, on your wedding anniversary?

If he really can’t see why this, plus the lying, is hurtful, you’ve got a problem. He’s either thick as shit or abusive and/or gaslighting you.

There’s something else going on here OP and you need to find out what. Two male but not very close work colleagues taking a day off (on your anniversary!) and going on a spa day together. And him lying about it!

Either there were women there and it was a group activity (likely). Or he’s gay or bisexual.

What time did he get home? Surely he could have had a spa in the day and be back for dinner with you in the evening. Something was keeping him there all day and evening….

It is a big deal or he would have told you.

So sorry, you deserve better than this.

That's just bizarre.

Of all the things he could do, a "spa day"? it's even weirder because they are both male, but 2 female work colleagues would be weird anyway.

There's got to be a lot more to this then you know OP, one way or another it sounds dodgy as fuck.

Sure they do—if the people who matter to them do. He basically is saying with his sctions that OP doesn’t matter to him.

Straight men don’t go to spa days together. They just don’t.