To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

YANBU. Can your DH tell her she needs to alternate? Who gets her drinks? Stop offering!

Who pays for her taxi?

If DH is on board with not inviting her then he just needs to tell her.

Yanbu at all,she sounds exhausting, but make sure he tells her soon so she has time to make other arrangements.

Why does it matter to you that she gets a taxi and (presumably) pays for it herself? Her money, her choice.

Could you have an honest conversation with her? Explain that you’ve noticed she’s not one to muck in but you won’t be up to hosting/serving her? You’d love to have her if she can be a 3rd pie of hands, but if she wants to be a guest, maybe she’d be more comfortable with her pals?

If she’s paying her own taxi, I don’t see what the problem is with her chosen form of transport.

I think it would be harsh to not invite her, however I would not be jumping to her every whim. If she asks for water, I’d have to say, “Help yourself,” and while you say that’s what normally happens, I would just leave her. She is obviously capable of getting herself a drink at home.

If we don't get her drinks she will sit there all day without water and then cough continuously because she has a dry throat.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

I don't think she'll be up for alternating, think she'll get very offended. But surely just one Christmas organising herself isn't end of the world?
I can see us being easily guilted into it, regretting it and I'll probably lose my rag with with her if she's just sitting not doing anything.
She visited for the bank holiday weekend while I'm 37wks pregnant and watched me rush around cooking her dinners and doing everything for her, and it's given me a taste of what it'll be like.

When do you get to see your parents for Xmas?

YANBU. DH needs to let her know now so she has time to arrange something else. As a sweetener would you be willing to invite her for Easter instead so she knows she has a visit coming up.

I would contact her now and say that this Christmas its just going to be you 4 as you need the time together just as parents, and you want to tell her so she has plenty of time to make arrangements with friends and other family who would love to see her and then stand firm shoulder to shoulder and repeat on a loop. but do iot now so she cant say she hasnt had enough notice.

My mother is the same and has tried for many years to guilt trip me into having her at my house for Christmas but I always say no. She was a terrible mother and is a rubbish grandparent and I wont spoil my families Christmas so she can be waited on hand and foot. she comes for a long weekend at Easter and then goes to stay with another brother for the week after.
just because she gave birth to your husband doesn't mean you have to pander to her.

YANBU at all.

Your DH needs to explain that this year, you’re not able to host as you already have a lot on. If MIL protests, then DH needs to be honest and tell her about herself.

The problem with her getting taxis is it started as her not wanting to drive because she's anxious, she said train would be easier, and now she's too anxious to get the train. Her world has become smaller and smaller, and we get these anxious panicked voicemails if we don't call her for two days where she asks if I've lost the baby etc.
So the taxis matter in that it is just maintaining her increasing anxiety which has increasing stress on us. If it was just a taxi then of course she can do what she likes.

It's up to her what she spends her money on. Does your DH keep a tally of how much of his inheritance is being spent?

I think you are being unreasonable. It's a few days she wants to spend with her only son.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

You don't see her much because you believe she's spending your DHs inheritance incorrectly?

Where I do have sympathy for the Christmas situation, this attitude is abhorrent.

Can you tell your DH that you won't be cooking this Christmas so he needs to tell his mum that she has to have Christmas elsewhere?

If he refuses, then stick to it and have a easy Christmas at home.

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

Sorry but this isn't right, OP. It's not your DH's inheritance, she is alive and allowed to spend her money as she wants. Why do you see it as DH's money?

I think your comment about the inheritance is out of order, but the principle is fine.

What's DH's take on this?

You lost me at "spending his inheritance".

I was sympathetic until I read the sentence about spending your DH inheritance.
It's her money, she can spend it as she sees fit.

You see her a few times a year? She won't live forever...

There's no such thing as an inheritance until she's dead.

It's her money, not your "DH's inheritance".

YABU about "spending his inheritance". It's her money!

Yes absolutely for Easter, plus baby will be older.
There's a certain element of wanting to also protect our baby during flu/cold season which also plays a bit of a role in our not wanting to see her. She's not very good with personal hygiene. Last weekend blowing nose into tissues and leaving them all over the sofa. And when DD was 6weeks old we asked her to wash her hands before holding her, which led to a lot of protest, and we asked her not to kiss her (and had discussed this for months beforehand about why), only for her to kiss her face anyway.

What she spends money on is her business: it’s her money not your husband’s inheritance.
Would she help if you asked? Perhaps dh could explain that due to having a new baby and a toddler everyone will need to help with meals, preparation, entertaining toddler etc

Seriously - how hard is it to tell her that if she comes, she has to muck in, help herself and help you out? Surely her only son can TELL her that.

Wait, you don't see her often because she's spending your DH's inheritance. Hoe nasty grabby. It's her money to spend as she likes and nothing to do with your DH until she's dead. I hope she spends the lot on chocolate and gin.

How about suggesting she stays in a hotel near to your house? And then she can come to yours for Christmas lunch etc..

Yanbu...that sounds horrendous. If she was a helpful type of person, then fine. But if she's the type to just sit there and expect to be waited on hand and foot like my mil then no, it will be awful for you.