To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

My mum is dead but if she were alive, I would host her every day. And she was a capital PITA but I would and had done it for many years and with babies in tow too.

I would spend every holiday with as many as I could because holidays and family are what it is all about IMO.

You seem intent on arguing with everyone who disagrees. That is the point of mumsnet; to get opinions.

Blow that

she needs to be more flexible

The bottom line is you hate her, it’s dripping from every post, she becomes more monstrous with every instalment, and the reason you hate her is she “hasn’t worked” and lives of her dead husband’s insurance money, money which you think is yours, your thread is the most vile MIL one I have read in a long time and that’s saying something.

In this current climate I'd rather save the money than spend it on taxis. Who knows what life will be like in 10/20 years from now. I'd like to think when my time comes my children (no matter what age or job they have) are able to live comfortably. Not worrying about gas or electricity. But you do you and.spend your OWN cash on unnecessary crap.

🤔

It's a few days since she left last and I'm still feeling pretty exhausted.
I planned some lovely days out and drove us here there and everywhere, and we of course pay for it all. I made her proper homecooked dinners because I know she's snobby about microwave meals. All while 37wks pregnant. She's high maintenance and I just don't think she will cope if we said to her we just want to be in our jammies and have a ready meal on Christmas day.

But she couldn't turn the telly on, it's not about the money!

Why can’t your DH say “mum, could you make us a round of drinks while we are X please?” …. “mum while I am X, could you help me out and load the dishwasher please?”

Why does no-one communicate anymore.

P.S your comment about the inheritance was absolutely insane and disgusting.

Like the op, my parents are also dead. To be honest, if anything it makes me less happy to host mil... although I do through gritted teeth and a smile. It actually makes me more upset to see her because I am reminded of how disinterested she is compared to what my own parents would have been like.

Be very ironic if she does get a new partner and he turns out to be her favourite taxi driver…….. it would make a lovely film 💘

Why didn't your dh take a couple of days off and do the homecooking and entertaining?

I am a young, recently widowed woman with 2 children. I currently can't imagine 'choosing to move on' with another man, even in 30 years. The thought of any future daughter/son in law having such a cold and callous attitude towards me makes me shudder. Can't you think if it from her perspective? Its OK to not have 'moved on', it's OK to live off her insurance , who the fuck are you to judge that it's not? It's ok to want to be spoiled by her family when she visits. You frankly, sound like a nightmare.

@Wisher88 Just for the record, I don't think that you and your DH are awful people at all. You have been dealing with a difficult, manipulative women for quite a few years and are looking ahead to how you will struggle to manage at Christmas. There is nothing wrong with that.

I am a similar age to your MIL, with some disability, and I would not behave like you are describing, neither would I expect to have everything done for me - resorting to tears at any suggestion that I might manage some things for myself. I have to wonder if she has any self respect.

I wonder, given the lack of interest in your DD and the new baby, whether in fact her ultimate goal is to have your DH leave you and the children so that he can move in with her. I am very suspicious of her clingyness. This might be a long game that she is playing, to get what she wants in the end. If she's manoeuvring to make him choose between you, she might be in for a massive shock.

As for Christmas, I have two thoughts that you might not have considered. Firstly, could you all manage to stay in a convenient hotel where your little family will at least have meals prepared for you , clean surroundings and there would be no excuse for MIL to be hungry or thirsty. Expensive, yes, difficult to pack everything up for a stay, yes, but maybe less stressful? Otherwise, have someone come to your house to help - ideally a relative that will get stuck in wherever needed, but if not, a temporary nanny for a few hours? To entertain DD, take both children for a walk or anything that gives you a bit of peace between feeds. Or maybe someone to help with the inevitable housework and food prep? To feed MIL her breakfast so that you can spend more time in bed in the morning. Also, buy in as much pre prepared food as possible so that you have no cooking marathons. Perhaps buy in (and freeze) a sandwich platter so that there's always a few fresh sandwiches in the fridge - good for breastfeeding munchies as well as picky eaters.

Finally, if you decide to arrange for MIL to go to relatives, be prepared for tantrums and downright refusal to go. If you're ready to face the onslaught, it will be easier to manage. I suspect that someone as manipulative as she is would rather stay alone if she is thwarted - just to make you, and particularly DH, feel bad (don't play that game).

Good luck, whatever you decide to do and remember, nothing lasts forever - everything changes eventually ❤️

Where was your husband in all this ? He should be taking the lead in hosting his mum, especially when you're pregnant.

Yes - part of it is it's very tone deaf. She's no concept of money at all. And like most people, even good jobs means sacrifices in order to make ends meet.
She didn't work and bought her current house outright. We live in a different world now. She can't understand why we aren't in a bigger house or why I've not given up work to chain myself to the kitchen sink. We are better off than most but work bloody hard for it.

@AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta

Well, she

-doesn't do any cooking, tidying or childcare
-doesn't bring any food contributions
-won't get herself a drink
-finds turning the TV too onerous
-expects heavily pregnant women to wait on her

I would find doing everything for a full capable adult for days at a time to be unreasonable, on top of caring for 1 or 2 children so yeah run ragged

Or is this a re-boot of the Yorkshire men sketch? Featuring dozens of children, half a dozen in-laws, eating dust, 30 minutes sleep a day etc. Whilst being super grateful and happy?!

I'm very sorry for you loss.

Surely in years to come you would presumably show some interest in your grandchildren? Offer to help with meal prep? Make a cup of tea? You wouldn't surely just sit there and expect your heavily pregnant Dil to wait on you?

Chasing around our two year old or doing housework because the laundry is endless with a toddler!

She does sound hard work but..

The first reason you gave was about inheritance, and it was only after being challenged about it you mentioned the other reasons. I mean, yes, maybe that's coincidence, but surely you can understand why people are "zooming in" on your outrage at MIL choosing what to spend her own money on.

And if you're cooking a roast, how difficult is it, to put some of the meat in between two slices of bread to make a sandwich?

@Calliopespa you need to do some work on your tenses 🙄. I said "has been pregnant"

No-one should expect to be spoiled when they visit their son, their heavily pregnant DIL and their grandaughter. She does get spoiled, but only because she refuses to lift a finger, not even get herself a glass or water or to play with her grandaughter. That is why she is an unwelcome guest. If she was thoughtful and helpful, she would receive a much warmer welcome.

In that case, she will have to cope by herself in her own home.
I think it's horribly selfish to visit two parents, who work full time and have a young family and expect them to run around after you constantly. On top of that, instead of being grateful and generous, she is unpleasant, critical, makes insensitive comments about their house and questions why the DIL needs to work. The opposite of someone you want to spend days with hosting.
How old is your MIL @Wisher88?

👏👏👏👏
Louder for the ones at the back.

My purpose in life is not to serve others.

She finds £700 for a taxi but turns up empty handed.

If she was physically handicapped or disabled then we wouldn't feel pissed off at her helplessness. But living in your own home then pretending you can't get your own water just gets tiresome. We smile sweetly and encourage her to do things but I don't think we will have the same patience when sleep deprived.

I just told you. My kids are already living comfortably and will never have to worry about utility bills. Thank you for giving me permission to spend my money as I see fit. That’s very gracious of you.