To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

And? It’s nothing to do with you if she works or not.

"Ffs what's wrong with you"

😂😂

Just a mum who puts her family first. Take it you don't have kids.

You must relate to mil in some way. Take it you'd spend all that cash on taxis too.

Yeah if we were after her money we'd be asking for it rather than preferring her to buy presents and asking her to only spend £15 but choose something DD would actually like. So our values aren't in the gutter.

The inheritance was one throwaway comment that people have latched on to. If you work all your life you are entitled to spend your money how you like. MIL hasn't worked and has been living off life insurance/savings which she has never contributed to, and has lived a retired lifestyle for decades, her entire life is rest and self-indulgence. She then comes to our house and expects us to wait on her hand and foot when we work full time and already have a toddler. Of course we would get resentful after a lot of this - when you're working your bums off, paying a mortgage, and then someone who has never worked blows £700 on taxis every visit, but doesn't put a hand in their pocket the whole time they're here, then of course it will piss you off.

Nope. Tell dh if he wants to see her, he can go to her this year, then spend a joyous day at home on your own with the kids.

We don’t need to read her mind, she’s told us. Her mil is spending money that’s “technically” her bloke’s inheritance.

DH is more fed up than I am 😂. I'm the one who has been keeping the peace and reminding him that we won't have her forever.

Yes I would. And I do have kids, thank you. All grown up and comfortable enough not to be interested in our money - at least this side of the grave.

Such a shame isn't it, wouldn't it be wonderful if you could think of relaxing or even going out for a short walk/drink with your DH when she came because she played with your child and made their world magical for an hour or two.

I'm 68 and widowed too, and I'm scared to drive on fast roads and get on trains now, but I'm OK about buses. Is there a Megabus or similar she could get?

Not sure how old she is but dehydration isn't good. Could you put a jug of squash and a glass next to her on the sofa? God help you all if she gets a UTI!

I get the impression that MIL was left a substantial amount of money when her DH died. From the comments it seems that OP resents her spending her own husbands money as she see’s it as belonging to her DH and seems to think that had MIL got a job (didn’t seem she had to) or found a new partner (chosen not to, like everyone can just find a partner and no one is ever single) then she would not have had to live of this money and then it would all be OP’s.

Well exactly. Although she is the one who says she has chosen not to find a new partner - she said she didn't need one because she was independent. But she has then forgotten that in your older years you might want someone to go away with and do things with. DH often fills this gap - much to my encouragement - I'm usually the one to suggest he pops up there for a weekend just them, but DH finds her so exhausting and critical that she's driven him away. Ultimately we are in this position because of her behaviour.

"Living off life insurance/savings"

Have you ever thought that maybe she'd have preferred it if her husband hadn't died, and she'd been able to spend her life with him instead? Do you actually have any idea what it's like to lose a spouse and the life long impact it has on someone? It's hardly a surprise her mental health is poor. Maybe you should spend some time thinking about things from her perspective and understanding the grief she has had to face - you never know, it might make you a nicer person.

You come across as more cold and uncaring with every post.

I think the comment about inheritance didn't need to be made. Why would it cross your mind unless it was a big thing to you?

My question to OP would be, how would she feel if she knew this would be MIL last christmas? A few days of frustration would be worth it IMO

Fantastic 👍

i too spend my money how i like @Mamaof3xxx so it’s clearly not that unusual

'If you work all your life you are entitled to spend your money how you like. MIL hasn't worked and has been living off life insurance/savings which she has never contributed to'

Oh do stop being so judgemental! She lost her dh I'm sure she'd have rather had him than the money that she 'never contributed to'.

I’d tell her to iron them for you to help. Also go to bed when you need to

when I go to my dds we make our own drinks and she sleeps with our dgs when she needs to

she sounds awful OP and I don’t blame you for not wanting her

my mil is late 80s, widowed and she hosts and cooks easy stuff. Don’t expect her to do Christmas obviously

Not if we lost our rag with her because she just sat there criticising us while we run around exhausted. Then we'd feel even worse. I suppose you could say every time you see someone it could be their last day so you must always put the other person's needs above yours at every opportunity. Reality is this is what we do the majority of the time. It's our Christmas too.

Oh now we get it! She is “spending all his inheritance” So when she gets in that taxi it’s not HER money she is spending , it is his!!!

Here’s a newsflash for you. While she is breathing it is her money, not his, and certainly not yours. I hope she has the sense to leave it all to the cats home , or a home for retired taxi drivers.

Yes - if she's so bothered about the lack of ironing then she could absolutely do it for us.
I suspect then we'd be painted as putting poor frail MIL to work when she should be waited on hand and foot.

This! Honesty is (almost) always the best policy. If you say it nicely, she should understand. If she gets in a strop, it at least solves the problem, whilst leaving you guilt-free, having done everything you reasonably could to facilitate her coming.

There does seem to be a lot of jealousy amd resentment presented under the guise of 'mil is lazy' to get permission to sack her off.

Yeah, at this stage I’d advise OP to quit digging, and climb out.