To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

Weeping at being told to help herself to your food items? She can crack on and weep, then.

It’s not your DH’s inheritance. It’s your MIL’s money. Do you only consider your money to be your DC’s inheritance and therefore not spend any money yourselves?

This is your DH’s mother and he is all the family she has. Imagine your DH dies one day, would you like one of your DC to invite you for Christmas?

12 weeks is 3 months. It’s not like a brand new newborn, you’ll be into a routine by then and it’s only one extra person. Presumably you’ll be having a Christmas Dinner anyway so just add an extra plate. If she wants a sandwich instead, tell your DH to make her one.

I think you have made a rod for your own backs letting her relax at yours like Lady Muck and you need to have a conversation with her when she arrives. Be honest and say lovely as it is to see her, with two small children she does need to muck in and help out. Tell her you expect her to help with meals, bedtime routine, take the baby out in the buggy for a walk/change of scene, help tidy up and be part of the family properly. Explain your anxiety about her coming because you feel you don't get a break when she is with you and say that if she cannot change her ways, then she can't come every Christmas. Then micro manage her to make sure she is not idle. You'll either have a much better time or she will choose to go elsewhere next Xmas.

I think you are unreasonable in what you said about the inheritance, but I suspect if she was a loving, helpful and involved grandmother you wouldn't feel so resentful of that. She sounds absolutely draining

All of your posts op are reasons/excuses of why you don’t want her there. Admit it you just want to be your little family but don’t want to be seen as the bad guy for not wanting to share it with your MIL. You don’t have to justify it or canvas opinions, you and your dh decide between you what works for you and let your MIL know.

She's not able to help DD. We left her for five minutes with DD while we were rushing around at the weekend and she was passively asking DD not to put a sequin up her nose rather than taking it off her. DH had to then remove said sequin. She's just very very clueless. Won't even pick up DD because she's worried she'll drop her, even while sitting on the sofa.

honestly I sympathise to a point but the ‘spending his inheritance’ comment is absolutely awful.

You need to reflect on this.

The reason people have ‘jumped’ on it is because it’s an absolute abhorrent thing to say.

Absolutely disgraceful attitude.

Firstly, she's DH's mum, so he needs to speak to her.
Secondly, not re-marrying doesn't mean not moving on.
Thirdly, her money isn't 'his inheritance' - how awful to see it that way.
Fourthly, DH/you can set boundaries - 'mum, you're welcome to come, but with [insert child name] it will be a low key Christmas, everybody will have to just 'muck in' when it comes to cooking, getting drinks, cleaning up etc.' If she really doesn't want to change nappies I think that's absolutely fine, but she has to get involved in other ways.
Fifthly, will you parents be there?

Let her cry then

Can you not get DH to say "mum wed love to have you this Christmas but we cant wait on you like we usually do. Youll need to look after yourself more. I understand if you dont want to travel all this way to do that and if so, maybe fine alternative arrangements this year" let her decide and then stick to it.

She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.

you sound like you blame her / have an expectation she should have re married. If I were widowed I’d hate to think my family resent seeing me at Christmas because I should have ’moved on’.

A 3 month old and 2 year old aren’t that much hard work that 2 adults can’t accommodate one extra person for a few days, are they?

What do you mean by this sorry - what would she say in way of explaining why she was crying?

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?

Two parents with two children is not the absolute trenches - talk about exaggeration!

She sounds very needy admittedly but you lost me at 'she has chosen not to move on' - you think she deliberately spent the last 30 years alone just to spite a future DIL? She probably spent much of that time trying to be a good single parent to her son.

I agree re inheritance - it's just one of the many downsides to her getting a taxi.
We certainly aren't holding out for any money and stand very much on our own two feet. And of course unlike many people we don't get date nights or free childcare in the form of grandparents. We both work very hard and certainly aren't spending inheritance before we get it or any such nonsense.

We encourage her very much to spend her money on herself and to spoil herself.

Then how about you pre empt it. Before you start making the roast you say “I’m thinking seeing as you always like something small - and I’m going to be run off my feet- that we do something easy this Christmas. I’m ordering a take away.”

Or would a take away be a terrible idea as you’re really just wasting your DD’s inheritance

Yes - she said she chose not to have a partner as she had offers but saw herself as very independent and not wanting a man. So yes it was very much a choice!

op you don’t need to continue to justify yourself about why you don’t want to host anyone else for xmas. It’s normal to want to feel a bit more in control about things when you’re about to have a new baby.

MIL needs to get a grip and understand she can’t depend on you all the time. She needs to understand you can do what you want for xmas. One year you may decide to go away for example.

Dear Mil, Just so you know well in advance, baby will be only a few weeks old at Christmas, so we feel it would be too much this year to host, as we will have our hands full, what with sleepless nights and feeds, etc. Letting you know early so you can arrange to go maybe to X or Y this year as we used to.

You can say the same thing slightly more diplomatically.

'sorry x, I'm upto my eyes in it. I'm very happy for you to make yourself a sandwich though if you'd prefer that'.

You can’t just back track this way after clearly saying her spending her own money was a sensitive issue because she’s spending your DH’s awaited inheritance. You said it. You.

I felt sympathy for you as I’m often the default Christmas hostess until you said this….. read it back and imagine one of children says this about you. Dreadful

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

This. I’ve hosted my own Mil for the last twenty years. She drives me crazy, can talk for England about absolutely nothing. DH has the unique ability to totally zone out and leave me to deal with her, which I do as she’s his mum and he loves her. This year she’s in a care home, still very much dominant over her only son but we will only see her in the morning. Now my own mum is a widow, I’m her only child, she will spend Christmas with us as there’s absolutely no question that either of us would ever leave either of them on their own at Christmas.
OP this won’t last forever. You need to meet some compromise to make things more manageable for all of you, but leaving her on her own over Christmas is unforgivable.

That's a bit extreme. We have never said to her re inheritance. For some reason that's the only thing you've latched on to.
And then have made assumptions we don't see her because of it. We don't want to be the reason she's spending lots of money.
I have told her she's welcome to come down whenever she likes but I feel bad she's spending so much on a taxi when she can get a direct train all the way where.
DH has even got the train all the way there and back just to get it with her to help her get used to the train. We aren't nasty in any capacity.

YANBU. If your DH can’t or won’t talk to her about alternating or joining in then he can do the hosting while you look after the baby.