To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

lol you’re going to get blasted for that, even I (who generally thinks mumsnet is too harsh on anyone who tries to discuss inheritance) know that’s not his inheritance is her money lol

And that's absolutely fine.
My mum was the same, despite being widowed by 50!

Does she contribute financially to the actual day...food and drink? Or are you expected to cough up for that in its entirety? What about gifts, does she bring any? I'm wondering if maybe your resentment of the taxi cost is because she doesn't contribute much towards Christmas or is not a generous person?

I wasn't aware that people hosted their MILs every Christmas for a week?
So your MIL stays with you for several days? Or are you just talking about Christmas day?
If she lived down the road then of course popping over for one day is not a hardship.

Or perhaps she was too lost in her grief to want or be able to move on..? You seem to be completely ignoring the fact she has quite obvious MH struggles. Despite wanting independence severely struggles to take care of herself and manage to get herself around.

You talk about her anxiety like she should just get over it - kindly (or not) remember that anxiety can be an incredibly debilitating issue and it is quite obviously severely limiting the life and independence of your MIL. Perhaps there’s more to it than “just” anxiety, but even as a generalised anxiety disorder you should have a tad more empathy.

Instead you grudge her the safe form of transport she needs to come see you because that’s money your DH feels entitled to spend when she dies.

Your MIL can spend her money how she likes, it's hers not your DH's. Obviously its a shame she doesn't have the confidence to get the train, but stuff does get harder the older you get. I would invite her but use the new baby to redraw the rules. "You are welcome at Xmas MIL for x days, but because of the new baby obviously we will be very busy and you will need to help yourself when you're here". Leave her to cough, eventually she'll get her own water.

Oh dear.

It's not 'his inheritance' It's HER money

I appreciate that you obviously don’t like her and find her hard work, but excluding her would be unimaginable to me. I can’t believe your DH would consider it!

Your DH needs to step up and ensure that she’s got a drink. I can’t believe he’s sat and watched you run around after his mother while you’re heavily pregnant.

Why not consider booking Christmas dinner out this year so that neither of you are pulled away tending to that?

My MIL is also widowed and also relies heavily on her sons for emotional support (or at least, tries to!) My DH is always there for her but also has fantastic boundaries when her behaviour becomes manipulative. It helps that there’s more than one of them.

Where was your DH while you were 'rushing around'?

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

All the lols here. Especially the 'we don't see her often'. I mean, isn't that exactly what you want?!

Also, look up IHT. She is doing you a favour by spending her money on herself.

She sounds like a dream, tbh.

I'm sorry you don't like her and she is a massive inconvenience in your life.

Where is your DH in all of this? Has he no arms of his own to fetch his DM all her drinks and sandwiches? Can he not make a meal for you all while you focus on the baby?

Let her

You've been too accommodating for far too long.

I think you need to spell it out to her. In writing if you can't say it or you want to give her time to absorb it. Along the lines of ' You act like you're a demanding 3 year old when you visit. You do nothing for yourself, you expect to be waited on hand and foot, won't even get yourself a cup of water and would rather cough expectantly for hours to make someone do it for you. We're done. If you really won't acknowledge how obnoxious your behaviour is and make some serious changes, then you won't be welcome to stay with us going forward. We already have a toddler/baby, you pulled this crap when Wisher was heavily pregnant, etc No more.'

Awful to suggest that HER MONEY, left by HER husband is not somehow her own to do with as she chooses.

Hope you never need support from your husband. Ridiculous comment and super selfish.

So she should be excluded from your family for choosing to stay single?
Your attitude to her is nasty.

“The tap’s there, Mary. Help yourself.”

She doesn't contribute to food or days out, we pay for her for everything. She comes empty handed to every birthday and Christmas.
She often gives money so yes that is a gift although we end up having to buy extra gifts for DD because at 2 she wants presents rather than money.
At DD's baby shower she was the only person who didn't bring a gift.

We aren't grabby people and would rather she spent £15 on an outfit from Tesco than give us money. Usually it's a cheque or cash which until recently meant we'd have to go into town in working hours to cash it is. Not the end of the world, but still a bit of a pain.

😂

She's not spending his inheritance.

She's spending her own cash.

She could leave it all to the local hospice if she wants.

So you don't want her to visit cos you'll get less inheritance???

You resent her paying for her own taxis because she's "using DHs inheritance"?! Omg that's an awful thing to say, as is "she's choosing not to move on" be abuse she didn't find another partner! My Mum didn't either after my Dad died but that didnt mean she didn't "move on" in her life!

And what's wrong with that??

You are not coming across well here.

Just on the taxi thing.... You said she tried driving (too anxious) train (too anxious) so pays for her own taxi...IE found a solution that did not impact on you...and yet you have still found fault with it?

It's not like she has expected you to drive an 8 hour trip... She is independent.

So sounds like she is capable...

So ignore it and leave her to cry. It's purely manipulative.

Don’t you want to spend a Christmas with your Parents op?

YANBU.

But I do think some firmer boundaries would make this overall less of an issue. She’s a grown adult who lives alone so is more than capable of getting herself a drink or meal, I wouldn’t pander to that. If that means she doesn’t bother to get a glass of water all day or wants a different meal then that is on her and she can do it herself or not at all. Her being there shouldn’t at all impact your husband’s ability to parent his own kids though- as I say, she can crack on, or not if she doesn’t want to, but it will only be her it impacts.

“technically is spending all of his inheritance“

Yikes! This, coupled with only allowing MIL to visit if she helps with your household tasks makes me think YABU!

This

i was on OPs side until I read this comment. It’s not her DHs inheritance it’s MILs money to spend as she wishes. I’m sure is MILs life was fuller it would be being spent faster on other things.