To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

This.

My toddler cries when I tell her she can’t have a second ice lolly, it doesn’t mean I give in and get her one though.

That's a reach. Are you well?
She's hardly being excluded from our family if for one Christmas we don't host her for a week. I don't think many people would host family for a week with two small kids?!

She gives you cash or a cheque and you are complaining????

Oh dear god

You can pay cheques in through your banking app

It's a shame being given money is 'a bit of a pain'

But seriously

I'm very glad you are not my DiL.

Because it’s absolutely ridiculous that you and your DH are judging what she spends money on because you view it as his inheritance because his dad was the breadwinner.

You support holidays and encourage her to treat herself - bully for you lol! Because again you’re deciding that’s ok, when it’s none of your business either way,

If I caught a sniff of an attitude from any one I knew that I was being judged on what I spent money on because they think theyre entitled to MY money when I’m gone, I’d literally leave it to a cat charity

Usually it's a cheque or cash which until recently meant we'd have to go into town in working hours to cash it is. Not the end of the world, but still a bit of a pain.

ha ha, keep going. 👏

I think someone is on a wind up here.

Ok sorry op you’re starting to lose me here too now.

At 2 years old, your DD has no concept of presents or what a birthday is. You don’t ‘have to’ buy her more presents. It is absolutely perfectly acceptable to give money as a gift and not a physical present.

I’m with you about not hosting for xmas, but you do need to reflect on your attitude re money and gifts.

For some reason people are zooming in on that rather than all the other reasons I've given re taxi.

Thank goodness my sons/daughters in law aren't like you!
She chose not to move on - who are you to say she should have remarried!
My sons tell me to spend my money on choc/gin/holidays and yes, taxis!
I am a widow and they would never leave me alone at Christmas.

As for being 'in the trenches' - when did this become an expression for the very normal life with two small children? It is a ridiculous way to describe it and an insult to people who actually were in the trenches.

And with any luck that will completely stuff 'their' inheritance

It’s Christmas not some random days. The op has parents too. She didn’t get married thinking it meant she’d never have Christmas with her parents again.

“We aren't grabby people“

oh dear op, yes you are!

Jesus lol

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Bedside-Water-Carafe-Glass-Tumbler/dp/B0B3MN8JVF/ref=asc_df_B0B3MN8JVF?mcid=b5bb5a90e4163b30a213b8022b600d09&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697260119937&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14610645244116159664&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9194116&hvtargid=pla-1872548535031&psc=1&hvocijid=14610645244116159664-B0B3MN8JVF-&hvexpln=0&gad_source=1
Water issue solved, keep it next to where MIL sits and top it up as necessary when you are up anyway doing something else.
Buy a nice sandwich from M&S to keep in the fridge for when she drops it on you that she 'wants something small'.
Let her pay for the taxi, it isn't DH's inheritance until she makes her exit.
Remember, holding out for an inheritance is entirely pointless these days as everything she has could be taken up in care home fees...unless you plan to look after her full time until she dies?

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.

No offense, but this comment about the inheritance, makes you sound like a bit of twat.

I’d let this happen but I’d be putting in some new rules about her being more useful.

Actually I think a lot of people would host a single widowed parent for a week over Christmas - obviously not you though.

You lost me here!!
she’s spending his inheritance?!!!? Just wow. It’s hers. She can do what she wants with it. Just wow

She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance.

No, she is actually spending her own money. Jesus wept.

Her attitude in general, not just money and gifts.

Honestly I'd be mightily pissed off at someone spending the better part of a grand to visit me whilst contributing nothing towards the festivities and making me wait on them hand and foot...if I had a baby and a toddler I'd be even more pissed off.

My own mil is very similar although she expects DH to drive her. The fact is the op gets absolutely nothing out of these visits. She doesn't sound like great company. She's not an involved grandma. She doesn't bring anything. She expects a lot. Sod that.

OP you've said some things on here that have come across as rather objectionable, particularly re: the inheritance and your MIL staying single etc. However the core of the issue is something you're not being unreasonable on at all. Equally I notice your DH isn't very present in your descriptions of you running around cooking for MIL etc. at 37 weeks pregnant. What does he do? How much does he help? And how much scope is there to do things differently to reduce the burden (e.g. "MIL you're welcome for Christmas but we will be having a Chinese takeaway this year"?)

She sounds like a nightmare. If an adult cried if I suggested they make their own sandwich when they didn't want what I'd cooked they'd not be coming to my house again.
But, as ever, this is actually your DH's problem.

I can’t imagine what my face would say if my mil cried because I said make yourself a cup of tea. I expect it would communicate itself quite clearly, and my blood pressure would hit the roof. I’d 100% cancel Christmas plans and treasure every day of it.