To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

I'm rarely team mother in law
But bloody hell
you sound awful op

If we don't get her drinks she will sit there all day without water and then cough continuously because she has a dry throat.

This is ridiculous. If your husband wants to host her, let him, but he will need to parent as well. Let him know you will not be hosting anyone in any capacity, and will be enjoying downtime.

Spending his inheritance 😂 Oh dear…🍿

Yeah I said it's a bit of a sensitive issue. I agree generally it's her money and she can spend how she likes, it's just one of the many reasons we think it's a bit of a waste. I gave a fuller explanation re the negative impact the taxi has had on her confidence/anxiety above.

Thing is, if he's hosting her, that'll mean I'll be solo parenting two small children, which isn't fair.

“we are expected to see her every Christmas.”

Why every Christmas? Don’t you have family of your own, OP? I think a maximum of every other Christmas is all any MIL can reasonable expect. I’d just say straight up, that a baby and a toddler is taking all of your time and you can’t cope with visitors staying over. As your DH is an only child, she’s hardly in a position to contradict you.

“She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often as we think it's a waste of money.”

I’m sorry, OP, but this is outrageous on your part. If your MIL chooses to spend HER OWN MONEY on the 2.30 at Kempton, that’s entirely up to her. She’s not asking you for lifts, so be thankful. Her money is hers - it’s not your DH’s inheritance, and if she were to need care, she’d have to sell her house to pay for it. To look at it as her wasting her money paying for a taxi to come and visit you, and saying that it’s a sensitive issue so that you don’t see her often is on you. The entitlement of someone who regards a parent’s money as their potential inheritance is breathtaking.

Yanbu but yabu to begrude her spending “his inheritance.” Shes still alive, whats not to say she has to spend it all on eldery care in a care home?

I would just make gentle comments like “mil can you help dd?” “Can you watch dd while i do x?”

Spend some more of DH inheritance head out for Christmas lunch. No cooking. No cleaning up.

You sound like you don't like her that much. If I was her I wouldn't want to come as I'd feel too uncomfortable.

I agree she should have Christmas this year (and alternate years) elsewhere as she has options.

But if your DH is cooking, wouldn't he be cooking for all of you? So you take care of the dc whilst he is cooking and then he and you do the other Christmas stuff you usually do?

I'm sure your DH can manage to get his mum a drink and still help you with the kids. He could always charge her by cup to compensate for his lost inheritance.

Awful how? For not wanting to have one Christmas hosting?
Anyone who has relatives where they're very dependent on you will understand how much hard work it can be.
The context to this is how much support we give to her all year round and try to encourage her at every opportunity.

Agreed 100% I was with OP until this attitude.

If you rarely see her because you view spending time with your husbands mother a waste of money that isn’t even yours then I think you should sacrifice the few days over Christmas.

Otherwise I think MIL should take herself and a friend away on a nice cruise or inclusive holiday over Christmas. Taxi to the airport, drinks brought to their room to sip on the balcony. It’s her money after all.

Anyone counting their parents hard earned money as their own inheritance is quite frankly disgusting. Waiting on a lady to hurry up and die so you can get paid. Grudging any enjoyment or ease she allows herself. Rank.

Also next time you go to hers, could dh not take her out on the car and build her confidence? My 82 yead old nan was like this as my grandad spent 60 years driving her about, when he passed she didnt have the confidence to drive so my mum & uncles sat in the car with her a few times and now she happily drives around!

You aren’t awful for wanting one Christmas alone - on this itself you would be perfectly reasonable.

Awful because you and dh frown upon her spending the “inheritance.”
I hope she blows it all and gets the confidence to take herself on an expensive hoilday

Hahaha good one 😂

She often doesn't want to have what we eat either and will say she just wants something small, and will only say it after I've stuck the roast in the oven. So I end up making her a sandwich on top of what I've made. Really I'd like her to get up and make her own sandwich like an adult or say something before I start cooking.

Where’s your own family? Do you have parents?

Tbh the inheritance comment is absolutely grim. It’s her money. I hope she leaves it to a donkey sanctuary.

That's why I wrote that when you're telling him he will be hosting, he will also need to be parenting.
If he chooses to host, and not tell his mother to get herself a drink, that's his problem.

"She pays for the taxis, although it's a sensitive issue as while her own money, hasn't worked since DH was born and so technically is spending all of his inheritance. As a result we don't see her often"

You lost me here. That's a vile thing to think, let alone actually say.

I just think this sound like a difficult relationship and it isn't just about christmas.

It's a strain on you because she doesn't have any other children to depend on.

Perhaps you could spend Christmas with your side of the family this year so less about rejecting her and more about making time for other people. Might get her out of expecting to be with you every year and encourage her to make other plans with the friends you mentioned.

She doesn't have any other family so is quite at risk of being alone at Christmas and obviously this shouldn't be allowed to happen.

Also agree with others that inheritance comment is just utterly vile. It's her money and in no way should you be viewing it through a lense where you have some ownership over it.

She does take herself on expensive holidays and we love this for her. We are endlessly telling her to treat herself.
I think you've missed the post where I spoke at length about why taxis aren't good for her, but have only jumped on about the inheritance.

Then you say “you know where the bread is. Help yourself! I’m quite busy preparing the entire roast I have been making for us. While you’re at it get yourself a drink.”

She's just one extra person, I don't personally see the big deal.

Also, having done the 2 under 2 thing, next Christmas is likely to be far more stressful than this Christmas, 12w and a toddler is probably as good as it's going to get for a couple of years.

Do what you would plan to do if she wasn't there - if you want an easy Christmas dinner, do that. If you want fish fingers on Christmas day frankly, do that. Warn MIL that you'll be juggling a lot so Christmas might be a bit different and remind her at the start that she'll need to help herself to drinks etc as you'll be running round after the kids.

To make her spend Christmas day alone, rather than with her only son and new grandchild seems extreme to me. The attitude about inheritance is also disgusting (than check Uber prices in case that saves some money for HER).

Such a shame she’s so difficult! She could be building a lovely relationship with the DGC but instead is wasting the opportunity.

in your shoes I’d say yes it’s ok to have a break, but DH needs to tell her ASAP so she can make other arrangement! P

She would cry if I said this unfortunately.