To not want to host MIL for Christmas with a 12wk old baby & toddler

[Wisher88]

MIL is a widow (has been for nearly 30 years).
She has chosen not to move on and find a new partner and only had one child, my DH.
As a result we are expected to see her every Christmas. She lives four hours away so means she has to stay for a few days.

MIL is not a hands-on grandparent. She can't change nappies, doesn't help cook or tidy, and just about tolerates 2yr old DD although frequently ignores her when DD is trying to show her toys/engage with her.

MIL is extremely dependent emotionally on DH and despite living on her own isn't very independent. She won't get on the train to visit us so insists on getting a £700 (£350 each way) taxi door to door, which we think is outrageous.

She often expects to stay for a week at Christmas and since having DD we've managed to shorten this to just 24-27th.

Now if she was the kind of grandparent who would entertain the kids, or roll up her sleeves and empty the dishwasher, then we'd not hesitate.

However she's the kind of MIL who is lovely but won't even get her own drink or water, despite us saying to just help herself. It's effectively like having another child. She can get very stubborn and is very hard work sometimes.

Are we complete monsters for wanting to not have her here while DS is only 12wks old and we'll be in the absolute trenches?
It'll be hard enough with two young children.

She has close friends who used to regularly host Christmas, and DH and her would go to their house after her husband died, and I myself spent five Christmases there, so I'm certain she'd be welcome there.

I was with you until you said "spending DHs inheritance"!! Absolutely shocking thing to say. This woman is still alive and spending her own money. My God.

We are so grateful she gives us money but we are talking every birthday and Christmas for all of us. It's about the effort involved. We really think about gifts MIL might like. I'm aware everyone is different but like most people both work full time and still find time to get thoughtful gifts for her.
I do think grandparents should make a bit of effort to find a small gift that their grandchild would like.

I'm not sure how useful her DH is, as she hasn't said

Just say "sorry this won't be much of a holiday , but I'm grateful of the help with a new born and a toddler. It'll be lovely having someone to make me a coffee and help us out. "

Maybe she doesn't want to overstep in your home , ask her to put the kettle on , make a sandwich etc

You say you don't like her taking a taxi because it lessens her independence but later say she takes expensive holidays. That suggests a pretty good sense of independence. I think you are trying to justify your inheritance remark re the taxi.
Also it was up to her whether she remarried. She moved on in a way that suited her. Not her future DIL.

She sounds quite manipulative and lazy.

"MIL as we both have our hands full feel free to help yourself to a drink/snack/sandwich". Then show her where the teabags, cups and snacks are kept.

Although, if you are making drinks for yourself then you might as well offer her one at the same time. And ignore the passive aggressive coughing.

If she comes for Christmas tell her in advance what you are cooking and tell her you won't have time to make different meals.

Me too.

If she can afford it, taxis are more comfortable, easier and safer

Let her do what she likes

Exactly. Also long distance trains are awful over the Christmas holidays. I wouldn’t rely on them.

I don’t really understand why people aren’t more assertive with house guests. OP what happens if you ask her to unload the dishwasher, or suggest she makes the tea round whilst you’re making the sandwiches or whatever. Maybe she’s read all the chats on here about MILs taking over the kitchen or doing unwanted house work.

What’s your DHs plan for seeing his Mum if she doesn’t visit? Surely her travelling to you is preferable to either him visiting solo and leaving you with the two kids or all trekking up to see her?

I think it’s fair enough for your DH to explain to her well in advance that you are unable to have her there this Christmas as you’ll all be adjusting to the new baby, and will be exhausted etc.

However, I take issue with a couple of your snide comments about your MIL. It’s really judgemental to say she “has chosen not to move on and find a new partner”. There are many reasons why someone might remain single and maybe she has never met anyone else she wanted to be in a relationship with. What you actually mean by that is that you are irritated that she doesn’t have a partner as that would alleviate the burden on you and your DH.

Secondly, it really pisses me off when people talk about a parent spending all “their inheritance”. The entitlement of it. Your DH is not automatically entitled to any inheritance. Your MIL’s money is entirely her own to spend as she pleases, and indeed, to leave to whomever she chooses.

So on the one hand, you are bitching and moaning about your MIL, but on the other hand, you are rubbing your hands at the thought of an inheritance at some point. Hmmm. Some of your comments say more about you than her.

Because you said it, any other reason is fine, but you specifically mention your husbands inheritance- so you’ve thought it, discussed it with your husband and reduced the amount you see her because you view it as HIS inheritance, instead of her money to do whatever she likes with it.

You’re moaning that she never met anyone so now you have to see her every Christmas, maybe be happy that she didn’t meet a man 10 years younger who she could leave everything to!

I think it’s fine not to have her for this Christmas, she’s not entitled to spending every year with you, but really spend some time getting that attitude out of both of your heads. While she’s here she could spend every last penny of that money and it’s so mean to be thinking hmm that’s £750 less for us once she’s dead every time she gets a taxi

Hi Op, my mum lives locally, she stays Christmas Day until New years Eve. She has the choice of what she wants to do. I don’t mind if she wants to stay or go home. It’s her choice, but luckily she’s a very independent 90 year old woman, with a very active social life. My Mil, not so, very very clingy, very very dependent on DH. Yes I do find her very trying and longed for a Christmas on our own. We never got that, but it’s one week out of 52, so I just got on with it. You both need to be having a conversation with her about how she can help you both over Christmas rather than sit on her bum and expect to be waited on. My own mil was happy to prep veg, make a cup of tea and other tasks if I asked her to do them. I think your mil might be worried that she might tread on your toes in your house. So, say to her, mil can you prep this veg for me as I’m really busy and won’t have time….you never know she might enjoy it.
I wish you all well Op, Christmas is always hard work family wise.

I clearly said until recently - as of course we do it through the app now.
I've not said getting money is a pain. I've said having to cash in cheques is a bit of a pain, of course it is prior to apps accepting them. I'm not saying it's a life changing hardship.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with preferring MIL to come up with some ideas for gifts for her only grandchild.

Yabu for calling HER money your DH's inheritance.

If your husband doesn’t want her spending £750 of “his inheritance” there is a simple solution - he can drive to pick her up and drop her off! Then you can make the visit as short as you’d like.
Get your husband to sort her whilst she’s there. It’s his mum - he can get her a glass or water or offer to make her a tea. Life is short and precious, who knows when the last Christmas with her might be.
Just think how you’d feel if you were widowed and increasingly anxious of the world around you and your only son doesn’t even want to see you at Christmas. I think I’d try and find a way to enjoy it.

I think it's fair to say that your dislike of your MIL is apparent. And to some extent justified if she won't lift a finger and plays the victim if not waited on hand and foot.

Perhaps she didn't have a happy marriage and that's why she didn't entertain the idea of another one. You never know.

Where are your parents in all this? Do you have space to host both? Even if grandparents all stay in a nearby Airbnb? For me if your parents will take one for the team, that is your easiest way to reset the balance and get a bit of support over Christmas. If you have space to host them both, then it's an easy way to show your MIL how guests should behave and your parents might jolly her along a bit.

Otherwise, I would start to manage her expectations now that you will be having a very low key Christmas. Ask if she'd be prepared to cook/or support DH to cook the Christmas meal while you juggle a toddler and newborn feeds. You may well put her off assuming that's your preference.

I think you are being really unfair to her.

She is willing to spend her OWN money on visiting you.

Be pleased she's not asking for a lift.

She's an old lady. If she wants a sandwich let DH make it for her.
She's probably scared of going in your kitchen and getting things wrong.

It's only a few days.

OP you give the impression of being an unkind person. How old is MIL? Perhaps she doesn't get her own glass of water because you intimidate her? Don't think I would take that expensive taxi ride to visit you! You find fault with everything MIL does, it seems!

Sorry you lost me at her spending your DHs inheritance on taxis.
You clearly don’t like her or have any patience for her.
Have some sympathy, she only has your son and you.

‘Spending his inheritance’.
There we have it.

You’re not answering questions op!!!

Where are your parents in all this? Do you see them at all over Christmas? If not, wouldn’t you want to spend time with them for a change?

I think your talk of money is quite crass, but let’s put that aside and focus on the matter in hand.

You need to stop waiting on her hand and foot. If she lives alone then she is more than capable of getting her own drink/sandwich etc. But she won’t do this until you put boundaries in place. She sounds quite manipulative to be honest.

How does MIL manage to get herself a glass of water in her own home?
I cannot understand why she would (?technically) allow herself to be dehydrated? Is she disabled in some way? Does she require a hearing aid?

I would send her a written letter just saying your family are having a totally different Xmas this yr & won’t be at home. So if she had been thinking of coming to ‘yours’, she will have to make other plans. Don’t confuse with explanations etc.

I hope you & your family have a great time OP 😊.

Thank you.

Prior to her visiting last weekend I had come to the conclusion that no matter how much of a pain she was we couldn't not have her because she's family. However having her while heavily pregnant and her ignoring DD when DD was trying to show her toys or talk to her, made me realise how hard it'll be at Christmas if she's not even willing to sit with her while we are busy.

Having to go into town to cash the cheques your MIL gives you?

sorry - are you unwell?

Iget where you’reoming from, but honestly the way you talk about her being a widow and choosing not to move on and find anew partner is not very nice. Not every one wants to do that, and she is not obliged to do so.