Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

Kindly, you are being massively unreasonable.

Your nephew doesn't have to visit if he finds it distressing - especially if your brother wouldn't know either way.

I didn't visit my FIL (who I'd known all my life) when he was dying as it was too upsetting for me - DH and his family totally understood and it wasn't an issue.

Let your nephew remember his uncle as he was, if that's what he wants to do.

Sorry about your brother but don't get angry, there could be reasons his nephew doesn't wish to visit.

I am so sorry about your brother, that is very hard.

TBH this is what I would say if one of my children were to be really distressed by the idea of visiting a relative in a hospice. I would protect them and be the go-between.

It's not for anyone else to decide
It's up to the nephew
Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

Agree there may be reasons you are not privy to. And kindly- you don’t get to decide what relationship they have. I will never ever see an aunt I gave. My mother does not understand it and I won’t tell her. She sometimes expresses anger and dismay at my decision but that has been made with deliberate intent.

I'm very sorry about your brother. I hope the next few weeks are as gentle on him as they can be 💐

I think you're being very unfair here though. You want someone to visit when you know they will find it traumatic when the patient won't even know whether there has been a visit or not. It won't benefit either of them.

Is the nephew also your nephew or is he your sister in law’s sibling’s child?
If he’s not your nephew and therefore not someone you are likely to see at family functions I think you just have to take a deep breath and let it go - you can’t control how other people handle their family relationships and as you said, your brother is not going to notice his presence or absence anyway. So you can choose to not let the situation play on your mind.
If he is your nephew and you will see him again regularly, then it may be harder to simply let it go and you may feel like pushing your sibling harder to understand this decision. That’s understandable. But before you do, be aware that there may be a reason why your nephew does not want to see your brother beyond just general uneasiness with sickness and death.

Kindly the way others handle these situations is nothing to do with anyone else and wanting to keep positive memories over an image of the end makes sense to me.

I am very sorry about your brother, concentrate on him and yourself, don't concern yourself with others right now.

I agree that it is his choice not his parents but they just be passing on the message.

I would not visit anyone in hospice either, unless it was my mum or siblings.

It's nothing to do with you. His reasons are fair enough.

Honestly, whilst I’m sorry about your brother, this isn’t really anything to do with you.

If my daughter decided she didn’t want to see her uncle in this condition and my sister randomly started “opining” about that, I’d be less than impressed.

If your brother was asking for nephew, your concerns would make sense. But as things are, it doesn’t sound like it will change anything for your brother. I’m sorry.

is anyone supporting you?

It’s completely the nephew’s choice.

However I understand it. Especially if his uncle won’t know. I’ve seen dying relatives and it really does leave the last image of them
as the main image. When I think of certain family members it’s not the happy fun ones that come first it’s always the sad, laying in a bed end of care shell of their former being sadly.

At what point are our kids grown ups? Being an adult is hard and we all have to face situations that we’d rather be shielded from, but that is the reality of life. Are we really doing the next generation any good by dismissing duty and responsibility in preference for bringing up adults who can’t cope in the real world?
I dunno. Maybe there’s a balance?

I’ve witnessed two people on end of life, and the end of their life - I don’t blame your nephew.

I can completely understand why for some people, it would be too much to even attempt.

I have never visited anyone in the chapel of rest before their funeral, I find the idea far too upsetting and wouldn’t want to see someone I cared for, deceased. It’s hard enough seeing them on end of life.

I think 22 is actually awfully young to have that experience. I was 26 with my grandma and 30 with my FIL, and I’ll never forget either experience.

If he doesn’t want to face it, I think that’s up to him.

It sounds like a very upsetting situation for you all, and it is perhaps not surprising that you're getting upset about stuff like this.

But really, there is no obligation on your nephew to visit if he doesn't want to, particularly as your brother won't be aware of it either way. Of course, it should be the nephew's decision and not his parents', but perhaps he has told them that he isn't up to it for whatever reason. They don't necessarily have to discuss the reasons with you.

Try to step back from this and focus on your own feelings about losing your brother. We all cope with loss, illness and grief differently, and there may be stuff going on for your nephew that you don't know about. Now isn't the time for petty family arguments - you will need to support each other as best you can and understand that everyone's coping strategies are different.

Sorry about your brother OP but honestly if your brother isn't going to know either way why are you even letting this stress you out!
Agree it should be up to your nephew and not his parents at that age though but also see why they would want to shield him from that. I made the decision not to see my grandmother on her death bed (I was 34) because I wanted to remember her in good health and she wouldn't of known if I was there anyway, going to see her wouldn't of benefited me or her and my family didn't even question that.

I think this is a decision for the nephew to make for himself. I would criticise his parents if they didn’t inform him of the situation so he could decide what to do, but if the nephew chooses to not visit for the reason his parents have given, that’s valid and not your call to either make or criticise.

People handle grief in their own way, and trying to prescribe how people behave in a given situation isn’t helpful. Especially when someone has reached that stage in hospice and they start withdrawing food and fluids to allow things to take their course more swiftly, the person is far from looking like themselves and cannot interact. It’s hard to see no matter how old you are, and I wouldn’t blame anyone for feeling that they want to keep the image of the healthier person as their last memory.

When my stepdad died, I visited him in the hospice both with Mum and on my own. I wasn’t sure whether he could hear anything, or how aware he was of his surroundings, and it was hard. So hard. I choose not to remember him that way, because who he was in life was more vibrant, funny and also caring and wise. But for a long time, that image of him in the hospice was hard to suppress. And at that point I was 50 and it wasn’t my first time seeing someone decline and die. I did it for him and for the sake of the relationship we had, but I was also mature enough to understand why that mattered to me and why it would have felt wrong to me not to go.

You must deal with things the way you need to for you, but ask yourself whether your annoyance at this decision to not have the nephew see your brother is actually justified, or misplaced frustration and grief at your loss. Make sure you have the support you need to handle this as best you can, and leave others to find their own way to cope. There is no one right way to handle grief and loss. And my condolences that you are having to go through this awful time 💐

Some adult relations didn’t visit my mum when she was dying of cancer, & didn’t come to her funeral, because they were ‘too upset.’

I had some very strong opinions on that but didn’t comment because what’s the point? In the last days we weren’t even sure if she knew us a lot of the time.

I say this as kindly as possible, but what would he be visiting for? If your brother won't be aware, then it's not for his benefit. And if the nephew would prefer not to see his uncle's deteriorated condition then it wouldn't be for his benefit either.

I watched my aunt die earlier this year. Out of obligation, and to support my mum. My aunt wasn't aware I was there, however the horrific situation will stay with me and very much would rather have the memories of my aunt as she was, not how she died. I can understand your nephews point and think it's nothing to do with you.

We don’t get to control others, only our reactions to them

it sounds like you could be projecting your own grief onto how others are behaving. Yes it would be nice if he went but sounds like your poor brother won’t mind or know so don’t let it distress you

OP, it's not really any of your business who visits your brother.
However, neither is it your nephew's parents business either - if they are holding back information from an adult because they "think he'll be upset", then that's pretty poor but, again, it's their family dynamic not yours.

Let's face it, a person dying in a hospice deserves peace and quiet, and to be cared for by competent professionals. The last thing they need is a potential stream of visitors.

You are being hugely unreasonable. Respect your nephew’s wishes to not see his uncle who won’t even know one way or another.

Don’t make this about your expectations or what you think is right.

I’d hate to think of extended family gathering around my death bed. It’s a personal choice.