Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

Like you've just been? Ha ha..

I'm so sorry to hear that you and your family are facing this sad situation.

Not everyone behaves totally nobly in these situations. It's hard, horrible but can also be life affirming and something that was very difficult to do, but you were glad you did it afterwards.

I don't know how close the nephew is to your brother OP, but I'm not sure you can say his lack of a visit means he doesn't care about you and your SIL at this difficult time. He may feel powerless that there is anything helpful he can offer, and that he will just be in the way. Having an awkward and upset young man hovering round may make things worse.

i understand why you are upset but there is not real right or wrong. I think worrying about it just introduces more negative emotions into an already upsetting situation. Try and switch off from it OP.

Gawd, why are posters on Mumsnet so adament and opinionated. There is obviously no 100% correct thing to do. Many posters are appalled the the nephew isn’t visiting and many posters see no reason for him to visit someone who is unconscious. A fair number of posters have said if they were the Uncle they would definitely not want the nephew to visit. We also can’t know the in’s and out’s of the OPs situation. Maybe the nephew is a complete jerk and doesn’t give a shit or maybe the Uncle has been horrible to him. We don’t know and we can’t know the facts and yet all the pompous keyboard warriors seem to think they do.

Some posters really need to get a life.

@LoyalMember - what if your daughter would find it too distressing to see you dying of cancer in a hospice bed? If it were me, I would only want my relatives to visit if they felt capable of doing so. I know how much my family love me - their presence at or absence from my death bed doesn’t change that. And I would put their mental wellbeing above my feelings.

As I’ve already related, two of my sons went with me to see their grandmother in the hospice. The third, aged 18, couldn’t face it, so we respected his choice - and my lovely MIL understood completely - she put his needs above her feelings because she loved him.

It didn’t mean he didn’t love her as much as his brothers did - he absolutely adored her. All three of them helped bear her coffin in to her funeral, and all three loved her and miss her equally.

Some people are genuinely phobic about hospitals and clinical settings.

It's patronising and rather cruel to assume what a dying person knows or doesn't know.

My uncle didn't bother to attend my mother, his sister's, funeral because he said `she won't know if I'm there or not'. But we knew.

And as Sir Thomas replied in a Man for all Seasons when Richard Rich asked "who would know if I was a good teacher', "You, your pupils, your friends, God...a pretty good public that".

Just do the right thing. It's not that bloody hard.

It’s also patronising and cruel to assume that the man in question wants his nephew to see him in his most vulnerable state. I wouldn’t.

While I think that at his age, it should be for him, not his parents, to make the decision, I see nothing wrong with his not going. If the uncle were conscious and a visit would be a comfort to him, then I'd ABSOLUTELY think he should go. But the uncle won't be aware and the visit can do him no good at this stage. Would the uncle even have wished him to visit? I know that if I'm ever in such a state, I'd rather that anyone not involved in my care should NOT visit, but should remember me as I was.

More mental gymnastics on display, I see.

Nope. Just recognising that not everyone wants people to see them when they’re dying. I wouldn’t.

And also that it is completely understandable for someone not to want to see their loved one at death’s door in a hospice, @SomeOfTheTrouble.

I would not want my relatives to come to my bedside if they would find it too painful - and my MIL absolutely understood why ds3 chose not to visit her in the hospice. It didn’t mean he loved her any less than the other two boys who did visit.

@LoyalMember - as I asked earlier, if your daughter would be really upset by seeing you in a hospice, would you put your wants ahead of her mental health?

Really sad situation but 22 is very young and the nephews parents have explained things to you. It isn't up yo you to question their decision, probe or judge. Watching someone die is painful. It your bother is not aware of things it doesn't matter. You may feel slighted i would let it go and absolutely let your nephew avoid the reality of someone actively dieing for as long as possible

She would want to see me. There's no question regarding that. I know her.

I am trying to get you to understand that some people would find it far too traumatic and upsetting to see their dying relative on end of life care in a hospice, and that it would be cruel to insist that they visited, @LoyalMember.

No it's much bigger in every way and that's precisely why you deal with it like an adult.