Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

You are being very unreasonable. My uncle is in a hospice with dementia, I won't see him before he dies. I have no need or desire to, he won't know, and I would rather remember him when he was well. I'm a big, grown up 43 and I know I don't want to put myself through that. There's absolutely no need.

I agree. You go, sometimes not for the person who doesn't remember you, but for yourself and the family members left to support.
At 22 years old you'd expect he's grown enough to manage some discomfort. No wonder people feel so alone and unsupported.

I'm very sorry to hear about your brother. You are going through a horrendous time and I hope things go as smoothly as possible.

However, I don't think you should judge the nephew here, and/or his parents. Everyone deals with this sort of thing differently. For some people it is important to be there come what may, they would regret not being, and that's fine. Others wouldn't cope with it and prefer to remember the dying person as they used to be when vibrant and full of life. That's valid too.

Thoughts are with you at this very hard time.

But the brother won't know if he visits or not. So who would he be visiting for? OP?
It's horrible watching someone die, and it's also very normal to feel angry at anything and everything around you. It's displacement. So I understand completely the OPs feelings, but I disagree with her because there is no benefit to be had by her brother. And that is the only person this should be about.

It’s not an hour. The memory of watching someone you care for pass away, is lifelong.

It’s a horrendous experience and only those who feel able to do it, or want to, should. I wouldn’t ask someone to be at my deathbed if for any reason they’d prefer not to.

My SIL brought her two children to visit my unconscious, dying FIL. They were 13 and 9. I vividly remember her saying “Say goodbye to grandad” as they were leaving. Not realising she meant forever, the youngest said “BYE GRANDAD!” Like he was just going to the shop.

Savage. And absolutely unnecessary IMO.

For those who understand it, seeing death and the lead up can be a traumatic experience. It should be optional.

I was a hospice nurse,it is very common that relatives cannot cope with visiting their loved ones at the end of life.My own sister in law was unable to visit our mother in law.
It isn’t any of your business either.Your nephew needs to be left to grieve in his own way.

Is a relative there to hold his hand sometimes?

When my father was dying (painfully from pancreatic cancer) he was surrounded by his grandchildren and the MacMillan nurses told us hearing and touch are the last senses to go. Someone should be there to hold his hand.

This is not for you to police, nor have a say in. Stay out of it.

I missed that part in the OP, admittedly. I visited a friend when she was in late stage dying with a brain tumour. I almost left it too late, and it wasn't clear if she recognised me or not, though I hope so. It was hard seeing her as she was, and there were things that I wasn't prepared for. I'd show up for her 1000 times over though, on the offchance that she might have been having a good enough day to have derived some comfort. The decline often isn't linear.

If it was guaranteed that she wouldn't have recognised me, I'd have still gone for for her family, who I hope took comfort from the fact that she was remembered and loved enough to have been visited while she was still here, and not just at the funeral which is comparatively comfortable. There's an honouring of the person and their family that makes it important to me to visit while they are still here*, as well as turn up to the funeral, though I appreciate that nobody is compelled to feel the same way I do. Everybody shows up to be supportive to the family at the funeral, but in a way that's often the time that they least need a quiet word and a hand hold.

*as long as it's not going to cause distress or a nuisance.

So in answer to your question, I'd show up if I were that young man if I felt that it would be any comfort at all to anybody who was closer to the situation than I was. Not wanting to show up and the only reason for not wanting to do being because it wouldn't be a pleasant experience for you, that's not good enough in my book. You show up and you do the hard things sometimes, because somebody other than you may feel the benefit.

I definitely think the nephew should visit and I think his parents should be encouraging him rather than protecting him.

We all have to die and it is a real act of kindness to show up when someone is in their final days. We don't know what the dying person is actually aware of or if they might have a lucid moment. And our presence is a support to other relatives at the bedside.

Personally I have always encouraged my children to visit dying relatives. And they haven't been traumatised. Sometimes we have to do something uncomfortable or unpleasant for the sake of someone else.

I have to say I find it quite shocking how people centre themselves so much...and don't feel any sense of obligation. Just a feeling of I'd be upset so I'm not doing it. I really do think it's a symptom of our society becoming so much more individualistic. It wouldn't even occur to me not to turn up at dying relatives bedside...I would and have felt a strong sense of responsibility to do so.

If he doesn’t want to and your brother won’t know, why would he visit and why would you be upset if he didn’t?! It makes no sense!

Is this a decision the nephew's parents have made on his behalf? Or is this the nephew's decision, and his Mum is passing on a message? If his parents have made the decision, without discussing it with their son, that's wrong. If the nephew has made his own decision, and his Mum is merely the messenger, then you have to accept his choice, even if you don't agree with it. A 22 year old, isn't a child, and should be making his own decisions, regardless how difficult they may be. As your brother won't be aware if his nephew visits or not, I think it's better to let the situation go. If your brother had asked to see his nephew, and he was refusing, then that's different.

Exactly!
I’ve seen this first hand it was horrible… a friend passed away in the hospice and had very few visits from his own wife, only one visit from 34 year old son in months and very few visits from 30 year old daughter. Yes it is hard to see our loved ones in that state but what is the option? Leave them to die alone? Give the hard jobs to someone else?
I do think we already have a generation or two of very unresilient, immature and selfish adults who behave like children

But why did you go? If the ill person has no knowledge of it, I can only think that the visit is to make the visitor feel better. If it won't make the visitor feel better, it's a pointless exercise. I genuinely want to know the reason because I can't understand why.

But it's not simply a transient upset for an hour, off you go, jobs a good 'un. It's not like that, is it?

Seeing someone who has a few weeks left to live with certain types of diseases can be utterly and totally soul destroying.

It's not the same as paying your final respects to a closed coffin

The sights, sounds and smells can stay with you for years.

Why would anyone choose to put themselves through that unless they felt it was truly important to the dying person?

This shouldn't be about youth bashing

This is about UNDERSTANDING what watching death's grip can feel like.. .for years afterwards

Yes - show up 'if they'd like to see you' by all means. But if they won't even know you're there, there's no point in going unless it's just to make you feel better about yourself.

It may be your nephew's choice but being ill and eventually dying are part of life.

Let hope for him that when he's on his deathbed that people go visit him.

I have a close relative who refused to visit my dad even once in the last few years of his life when he had dementia and I've never forgiven her for that.

OP I mean this as kindly as possible but YABVU

Through my job I have to visit hospices on a regular basis, both children and adult, and I can honestly say that whilst I stay professional on site, smile and give as much warmth as I can to each person I encounter, I cry after each visit.

I understand why he wouldn’t want to visit. Respect his wishes.

From personal experience, I chose to regularly visit a terminally ill aunt in the last few months of her life. My sibling struggled to see the decline, and chose not to visit. There was no hard feelings on either side, it was a personal decision for us both. Sometimes I struggle coming to terms with what I have seen, sometimes my sibling struggles with guilt for not going. There really is no right and wrong.

So sad OP :(

I know for sure that when I'm on my deathbed one of my dc will not be able to handle seeing me, he couldn't come see me for a couple of weeks after I had quite a serious operation even.

There is absolutely no way I would want him traumatised for the rest of his life out of some type of obligation to me. I know I'm important to him and he shows me that all the time, and because he's important to me I don't want him to see me like that if he doesn't want to.

Why would I want someone I love to carry that burden forever?

All this talk of obligation only extends one way, why don't we have an obligation to protect the people who would be traumatised by this kind of visit as well?

I don’t want any of my close family to feel they have to be with me if I’m so deteriorated that I don’t even know who is there. This is in complete honesty.

*edit - double posted for some reason