Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

Haven't RTFT but have been in three circumstances where the person who was dying DID NOT want to be visited. They weren't related so it wasn't a family thing. One was still competent enough to be able to express their views and the other two had been clear with their closest relative before they lost consciousness. OP I am sorry for your situation but it is a sitiation where it is genuinely not for you to judge others.

💐

I think your focus is probably best placed on the time you spend with your brother, rather than monitoring who is visiting and who isn't.

I've seen this before. It sounds like the nephew can't be bothered going to see his uncle, and is abdicating responsibility by hiding behind his parents. He's 22 and all the man he'll ever be.

Nobody really knows what or how another person feels, whether they give reasons or ‘excuses’, or not. It is no one else’s business.

Do not judge other people by what you do, what you want them to do, what you think you would do in their position or what they actually do.

Every situation is different; every person is different. You do what you think is right for you and let others do what they feel is right for them.

Im5 very sorry about your brother. People, clearly, have free will and can make their own decisions. I suppose the fact your bother is unaware of his surroundings it least means he is not upset to not see his nephew....but I think he's being selfish.
My sibling didn't come and see my grandfather as he died in palliative care, he asked for her and she wouldn't come as she didn't want to get upset, she was early 20s and to this day I've not forgiven her for distressing him further. It was upsetting to see him like that but he wanted to say goodbye to his grandchildren.

that's an unkind and unwarranted thing to say.

At 17 I chose not to see my Dad in hospital when he had a brain haemorrhage.

He was only in a few days before dying which was the expected outcome. He wasn’t conscious so there was no chance of final conversation.

I preferred to have better memories of the last time I saw him.

So sorry, OP. A very upsetting diagnosis. Personally I think your nephew’s behaviour is awful. Yes people have to do difficult things sometimes. That’s life. For an adult to behave like this is ridiculous. Will no one bother visiting him if he gets sick in case it’s too upsetting? Honestly sometime I think this generation is fucked.

Him not being conscious only excuses you. You should've seen him in his last moments.

YANBU OP, at all! We can’t all give up on those who are ill, unwell or dying. How cruel! I’ll always remember my uncle saying he couldn’t cope when my grandmother was dying and he didn’t like hospitals. Well, tough luck! As teens, me and siblings had to step up and deal with the Drs as he refused to (DP not around). Went right down in my estimation after that. No one in their right mind enjoys these situations but sometimes, you must deal with them. I’d like to think I’d be there for others in their time of need and they’d want to be there for me.

Absolutely nothing to do with you.

You make your decisions. Other people make theirs.

My 55 year old brother found it too distressing to visit my Dad in hospital after he had a heart attack. He went only once. My sister kept my 25 year old nephew away for the same reason.

It isn’t up to you who gets to decide who visits your brother.

Wow you just said that about a 17 year old losing their father.

That is really unkind.

One of the worst moments of my life was when I was forced to see my mother in the Capel of Rest in her coffin; it haunts me. I hadn’t been allowed to see her in hospital and I was horrified to see the ‘thing’ she had become.

Dying and death are very personal. Please don’t judge.

It might well be unkind, but I suspect it's true.

You keep referring to your nephew as a grown adult, and of course he is. But still, 22 is very young. My children are in their early 20s, and I know that I, in my 50s, could cope much more easily with some things than they could.

I'm really sorry about your brother but I do feel like you are focusing on this issue as a way of distracting yourself from your grief. This is a completely understandable instinct but I'm not sure you're seeing the situation clearly. I think your nephew's reasoning for not visiting his uncle at this time is valid. It would only be upsetting for him, and wouldn't help your brother at all.

Your behaviour on this thread is deeply unpleasant and I’m glad you edited your last post but you are very very far out of line speaking about a 17 year old losing their father.

No he doesn't have to visit , you are projecting your feelings into your nephew. If he finds it too distressing then that's entirely up to him

I am so sorry about your brother.

In an ideal world, objectively, yes a 22 yo should make their own decision.

And for parents to support young adults through the difficult moments of life.

But OP, this is not the moment for family friction. You say your brother would not be aware. (And his parents presumably know that). You don’t necessarily know what else the nephew might be going through at present. Focus on your own visits and relationship with your brother, don’t put energy into a grudge, feud or resentment.

Did the nephew have a close relationship with your brother?

Is he a beneficiary of his Will? (Just trying to go through reasons for your upset over this)

I am very sorry about your brother and I agree with you. Illness and death are upsetting but I feel you have to show up and support when needed. It’s just not on to say it’s upsetting. It’s a journey we all make-how would we feel if no one showed up because feels.

It's totally his choice. Nobody should be made to feel they have to certain things in these situations.
I always advise just thinking about what you would regret more. Would you regret seeing someone in this situation or would you rather remember them how they were?
These are very traumatic things no matter how old you are and they effect everyone differently. Just because you feel you should do it and can cope with it doesn't mean others should and can

I am so sorry about your DB.
However I don’t think there should be an obligation on a nephew to see his uncle in the hospice. If it were his son or grandson it might be different, and equally if DB had DCs himself I don’t think anyone would have any expectation of a nephew visiting.

I think you have to appreciate that everyone has different wishes and ability to cope. I have done a fair few end of life visits which have been quite positive but one where I wish I hadn’t. I have found viewing a body much easier than some of the visits to people who were still just alive.

My granny: was horrific. She was in a very dark place and I just remember her being quite nasty which was very unlike her and she was obviously in pain. I wish I hadn’t gone that last time as it tainted some memories. I was in my early 20s, it was the first bereavement and it was just very hard. This one has shaped my views that people should only go if they really want to.

uncle: didn’t realise it was the last time I’d see him. Was cheerful for my children who had a brief visit but then showed how mentally low he was for me.

Husband’s granny: quite peaceful and I felt able to bring my children as she was comfortable and just quiet. They’d seen a gradual decline and spent a lot of time with her.

husband’s other granny: she responded positively to our children who had a very brief visit and it seemed to bring her joy but I hated the home she was in and it made me really sad.

I’m currently gearing myself up for visiting my
own mother in tough circumstances. I will not be bringing my children as I think they’d find it too distressing at the moment. I don’t really want to go but know that I have to and that’s hard enough.

When I was 20-something, my brother was in the ICU not expected to live. He was in a coma. I was persuaded to go say goodbye. It haunts me to this day seeing him like that, more than two decades later. He thankfully survived, but no one should have pressured me when I initially said no to going. YABU.