Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

That's so hard, I do think the nephew should make his own decision rather than been told that it will be too distressing for him.
Of course if the nephew, who is still a very young adult, thinks he is unable to go then that's understandable but he should be given the option of visiting.
DH was very close to his grandma but when she developed dementia and went into a home his mum decided that DH (who was older than your DN) shouldnt visit as it might upset him. I did think this was babying him. I've visited elderly and ill relatives in hospital throughout my life, of course it's not nice seeing them like that but part of loving and caring about someone is not walking away when things are tough but being there for them.
If nephew wasn't close to his uncle then of course you would not really expect him to go, but more to the point what does your brother want, has he asked for DN?

My mum was always adamant she didn't want family watching her die and I feel the same.

How many times do you hear of people just popping out of the room for a loo break or to get a drink and coming back to find the person they were watching over has died? I have heard many nurses say that people wait until they are alone to die because they don't want an audience.

Kindly, you don't get to speak on what your brother would or wouldn't have wanted. You are no more an authority on this than anyone else that is not your brother. To use this phrasing to emotionally blackmail the nephew is, frankly, terrible behaviour.

You're being massively unreasonable and I can only assume and hope this is displaced anger.

A few years ago, my aunt had watched my uncle die and immediately vomitted. Didn’t cope well with the experience at all.

When it came to my grandmas time, she passed away with just my sister and I in the room. We were only meant to be sitting by the bed while family members went for supplies.

She died as my aunt arrived at the ward doors. She was banging on the doors to get staff to open them, and we were asking her to hang on for any one of her children to get there.

I wholeheartedly believe she didn’t want to die in front of my aunt or her other children, I don’t think the very short gap between her passing and their arrival is a coincidence.

The idea that people may prefer to die without an audience is independent of the question of whether they would like the touch and sound of those they love in their last weeks and days.

Your nephew should do what he wants to do. If they were very close as my dc are to their uncle, I’m sure they would want to visit. But in that instance, I would assume they’ve been visiting all along and maybe he’s already said his goodbyes and made peace with it. If they aren’t that close, I can’t really see why he’d want to visit.

That said, I’ve been on both ends of this to a degree. I visited my dad in hospital dying of cancer when I was 18. I don’t know that he was aware I was there, but I’m not sure can say it was definitely the right choice. Yes, probably because he was my dad. But no I would not have visited a distant family member who I wasn’t close to. That’s more appropriate for close family.

I also have cancer, and while I’m definitely not dying, if ever it comes to this, I definitely would not want distant uncles, aunts, nieces and nephews traipsing through to stare at me dying. My close friends and family, yes. But not a random nephew I hardly see.

My heart goes out to her

I imagine you’d be lying on your death bed and during erring moments of capacity, seething with resentment at who’s not visiting you

@LoyalMember you are a very very angry man.

Maybe mumsnet AIBU isn’t for you?

Lying in bed knowing my sister was tapping away on a mumsnet thread she’d started on AIBU about my 22 year old nephew not visiting me as I lay there unconscious would likely be the thing that perturbed more rather than anyone not wanting to see me lie there unable to in any way engage with them.

Your heart doesn't need to go anywhere for her. We get on just fine.

And if she didn’t feel like she could visit you unconscious in a hospice because she
was in a very low place for example and didn’t feel like it would do her any good at all…. If you got wind of it in your unconscious state… you’d seethe at her?

Performative dying.

I’m going to lie here unconscious and you’re going to WEEP.

People I’m close to are welcome to come and watch me pass away, but if they’d rather not then that’s also fine. Don’t upset yourself on my account!

EXACTLY my approach

I wouldn't have to. She'd be there as a loving daughter would be. The thought of her not being there is so absurd that it wouldn't occur to her.

Oh I dont doubt she’ll be there
you have probs had it written in to your will that unless she visits daily - no inheritance

Online bullying now, are we? How very proud of yourself you must be. Uncaring and loathsome? That's quite a package.

Says you. Says you!!! 😆

Making light of grief and dying now. Splendid.

Whereas you….. shudder

heads up…. Next time your in-laws are ignoring your opinions, views and suggestions….. 🤐

How dreadful that you are trying to force this young man to do this. Horrible behaviour. Leave him alone.

Where has OP said she is trying to force him or anyone? OP’s brother is dying, leave her alone. Horrible behaviour.

I agree with @nomas . I don’t see any implication of forcing.

I'm with the pay your respects side here.