Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

I am pretty sure the parents are trying to protect their son by being the ones to inform the family that there will be no visits. If the nephew wanted to visit, he would.

It sounds like the nephew was not that close to the uncle, so why have the distress of seeing someone who, frankly, has no idea you are there? I understand that closer relatives will make the effort.

we have bugger all idea how close this 22 year old was to his uncle
And the brother hasn’t expressed any desire whatsoever to have his nephew visit
just leave him alone fgs
we all do things differently during these times and the key is not to bitch about it

I think you are right that the nephew should decide for himself, so if his parents really are making the decision for him then YANBU. On the other hand, if his parents know that he would prefer to go and are essentially just supporting him, then YABU. You say that your brother will not know whether he is there or not.

If your brother won't know either way, I can't see how the nephew visiting would be necessary or helpful. I suppose it might help you feel supported in some way but it's no good forcing someone to visit if they don't want to for whatever reason.

Wow, some PPs being pretty rude to the OP - her brother is dying, maybe a bit of kindness wouldn’t go amiss?

OP - so sorry to hear about your brother’s illness. As he won’t be aware of his nephew not visiting, I would try and put it out of your mind.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

you don’t “know” this at all

quite possibly he doesn’t want his 22 year old to see him like that. Many don’t wish to have visitors whilst in end of life care.

You’re right. He’s an adult. He gets to choose.

It’s perfectly reasonable to choose to make your last encounter with someone a positive one of them as themself. Rather than them changed by the illness that is killing them.

It’s also perfectly reasonable to choose to visit lots and be physically there with them through that part of their life journey.

The only ‘wrong’ is leaving someone with cognitive function and who wants company, alone.

To you it feels like care and respect and saying good bye. To another it may feel like disrespect to intrude on them when they’re not in control, like it’s corrupting the impression they’ve left on your life with the one of their body failing, and that the person they would have said goodbye to has already gone.

Neither is wrong. Unless they start judging the other.

Op is asking anonomously to gather opinions because her mind is all over the place just now, and most of us can't think rationally at times like that

You are being unkind to someone going through hell just to give yourself a little online thrill knowing you've made someone's day worse.

Which one of you is being the real arsehole here?

You see I dont see this Op at all being “kind”

basically calling this young man is pathetic and essentially he should man-up

Kindly, I think you are being unreasonable. Hospice visits are not for everyone, I went to visit my friend, considering myself to be reasonably well prepared for the inevitable. I literally broke down in reception, the sheer enormity of the situation hit me in a way I never expected. If your brother will not know either way who is present then it serves no purpose for people who will find it traumatic to visit. Life is full of hard things I agree, so don't go looking for extra unnecessary hard things.

I do hope that the next few weeks are as gentle as they can be and you can find some peace.

Well I think the OP 🤷‍♀️ obviously

I agree with this. If the parents have made this decision then they aren't setting up their adult offspring up for adulthood.

I bet they wouldn't be too distressed to attend a will reading if there is an estate.

Well you're wrong.

She's not the arsehole here.

People behave in strange ways around death. When my DSD had days his DSIS didn’t want to come. Another relative didn’t come to funeral because they don’t like them apparently.

I think you just have to leave it though. People have to decide themselves

I struggled to understand a few people close to my friend who died in March didn’t visit. Yes it was hard; but so is life and my friend would have definitely visited them. Thankfully many many others did visit. Everyone is different, personally I need to say goodbye, no matter how hard that is. I sat with my friend for hours and hours, including after she died. I would feel the same as you; but i’d have to accept everyone feels differently.

I agree with this, I’m really sorry about your brother op. I was like this with my mum - she had no idea who I was or if I was there, so I didn’t visit as I found it so upsetting. Everyone is different.

But why should they? Especially if the ill person won't know if they're there or not? Some people would prefer people not to visit them, especially if it's going to upset the visitors. Not all families are close. Not all people are alike.

I’m so sorry x

My auntie was in a hospice for a while-I was 30 with a child of my own, but I didn’t go. I had spent time with her before and said my goodbyes then, I didn’t want to see her at the end. My parents understood x

Maybe going against the grain but I agree with you op. He's an adult...I have sadly lost several relatives...I always (where I could) have visited in those final days ..it is very upsetting but thats no excuse imo not to show up. I will say the memory of their demise gradually fades and you tend to then remember them in their better days. Death is a part of life and sometimes you need to put your family first.

I think everyone is different when it comes to death. If your brother won’t know either way then I can see why the nephew doesn’t want to visit (I would assume parents are speaking on their son’s behalf). Not everybody can cope with situations like that.

Im sorry your family are going through this.

I disagree.

There’s no ‘should’ applicable in these situations. It’s not something dictated by ancient protocol.

A family member had all sorts of demands and expectations she tried to make on the rest of her family when another family recently passed.

It was a pattern of controlling and demanding behaviour from her, her typical response to anxious/stressful times is attempting to exert control.

It has left other family members now giving her a really wide berth when she could probably do with being comforted because they are also grieving and unable to deal with her expectations.

Don’t put yourself in that position. You are in a very vulnerable situation losing your lovely brother, attempting to control other people’s behaviour and making demands of them that they are not comfortable with will only isolate you at a time you need support.

Kindly, you’re not the nephew or the parent so you’ve even less of a say. YABU, leave the nephew and parents alone.

If he won't know him then why are you so eager for his nephew to visit? You're a bit weird OP.