Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

[FenderStrat]

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

To be fair…if I was dying I wouldn’t want people to come and see me if it meant them feeling upset. Some people just really struggle with hospitals and death…..my brother is one of these people and has avoided several similar situations when a family member has been dying, i on the other hand would want to visit. I have no bad feelings for those that can’t deal with illness and death, we all handle things differently.

Presumably this is your nephews decision, just his parents have voiced it to you. If he wanted to visit, he could. Leave him alone, he’s an adult and has made his choice. You have said his uncle wouldn’t have a clue anyway due to his health.

Thank you all for your replies. They have helped to give me the perspective on the situation that I needed.

I've said YANBU because I read the post as the nephew's parents haven't told him how sick his uncle is in the hospice as they don't want him to visit. Or that they have told nephew, but forbidden him from visiting.

Nephew should have all the information and make a decision by himself as to whether he wants to visit. But if he does know, then there isn't really anything more you can, or should, do.

I’m so sorry about your brother.

You’ve said that your brother won’t know if your nephew is there or not.

But your nephew will remember his uncle as he is now.

I agree that this should be his decision to make and I can’t see from your post if this is his parents deciding for him or relaying to you his decision.

Either way, you don’t get a say.

Don’t allow this to sully your final days with your brother.

Wishing you all the very best x

It’s really not your business. You can’t police people

I'm sorry for your brother's situation. However, a grown man (aged 22) is entitled to make his own decisions.

If your poorly brother's level of awareness is such that he won't recognise his nephew is there, then I don't see the point in distressing a 22yo when it benefits no-one.

Agree with you OP. Family should be visiting at this time if they can, and that includes nephews unless there’s some big back story.

I think this is the kind of thing that leads to people being slow to mature. What about it he was 28, or 35. or 50? No-one likes visiting someone in hospice but it's what you do for loved ones. That being said, I wouldn't force nephew or voice my opinion but I would have a very strong silent opinion. If he can't do it he can't do it but I'd wonder about his resilience and maturity levels.

Are you British OP? I find this kind of thing is viewed so differently in Britain, I'm Irish and a 22 year old man would be fully expected to visit (and probably wouldn't mind doing so as we normalise death and dead bodies from a young age and we're not collectively disturbed from it).

The one thing I would seek to clarify is if nephew is fully aware that uncle will die very soon.

Lastly I'm very sorry to hear about your dear brother and I hope you manage to get through the next few weeks and have support to lean on.

We had similar when my grandma had advanced dementia and was end of life. My cousin (25yo male) said he found it too upsetting to see her that way.
I do get it and I know everyone reacts differently but I also kind of felt that someone has to step up and be with her. None of us enjoyed it or didn’t find it upsetting but we all managed to dig deep and get through it.
I found it quite avoidant and a bit self centered to be honest. Imagine if the whole family decided it was too upsetting and no one advocated for or stayed with the dying person.
I don’t know…. Just my thoughts. I love my cousin and know he found it hard but not sure it was any easier for the rest of us.
I get why you feel the way you do OP.
I also understand that other people have previous bad experiences/ life shit going on meaning they don’t have the emotional range to cope. But I also think, all things being equal, most adults should try to step up to the plate and do their bit as it makes it easier on the other relatives.
Hope you’re okay

YAB massively unreasonable.

DFIlL died, at home, in January after a short stay in hospital. DS1 couldn’t go to see him at either places, despite being a fully grown 30yo man who serves in the army. He didn’t want to remember his beloved grandpa lying in a hospital bed, he wanted to remember him in his chair, in his living room on the last day he saw him. He wasn’t the only grandchild not to go, and we all respected their wishes. As it happened DS2 was the only grandchild there when he died, with the rest of us, but DS2 is a nurse so sees death all the time.

DFIL was a much adored grandpa, who went to see him in his final days didn’t change that.

I'm so sorry about your brother.

My son is 22 and I would be surprised if my son avoided seeing my brother (who is also married but no children) under these circumstances. For his parents to make a decision like this for an adult under normal circumatances it is overstepping/poor parenting (imo) but there may be circumstances you are unaware of (poor mental health etc) and he may need this level of parental
involvement/protection.

However, the important thing is that your brother will be unaware of this - he is all that matters right now and it makes no difference to him. Please don't dwell on this you've got enough to cope with.

The very fact that this is what you’re stewing about as your brother lies dying is gob smacking in itself

let alone the content of the thread itself

I think you should concentrate on being with your brother in his final moments.

My aunt is currently in hospital, it’s likely she won’t come out. She has dementia, and is now suffering from pneumonia. She weighs less than 5 stone and is barely conscious. Even if she was conscious when visiting, the dementia means she doesn’t recognise me.
I am not planning to visit. There is nothing for any of us to gain from my visiting her. She won’t know I’m there if I do.
I’m 40.

That's a horrible thing to say.

The OP has clearly stated that they're asking for other perspectives.

If your brother were aware and wanted to see your nephew then I wouldn’t be impressed that they didn’t visit but that is not the situation.

I suspect the parents are just taking the heat and its nephew that doesn’t want to go. To be fair, I was there in my mum’s final days and it was hideous and actually quite private, I’m not sure it is a moment for wider family.

Best wishes to you though OP, it must be a very distressing time.

I stand by my opinion

at this time, about to lose her brother, starting a thread bitching about her nephew

unfathomable and speaks volumes

I spent 9 years regularly visiting grandparents with dementia in nursing homes. It didn't occur to me to refuse. No one wants to see a relative dying, but otherwise it would have all been on my parent and it felt important to support them and share the load.

I'm sorry for you OP. It's very difficult to sit hour after hour waiting for the inevitable, with nothing to do but ponder over things.

I find this kind of thing is viewed so differently in Britain, I'm Irish and a 22 year old man would be fully expected to visit

I’m English but my parents were Irish. My dad died 3 years ago and only one of his six grandchildren (all adults ranging from 19 to 38) decided to see him in hospital in his last days. He was only in hospital for a week, so 5 of the 6 didn’t see him at all. They were all very close, but there was absolutely no expectation for them to visit. He was not conscious so it was meaningless in my opinion. One of my sons was the one who did visit, and he found it very upsetting, his grandad didn’t know he was there, and it offered no comfort to anyone.

@Lucysstuff

The OP says:
"surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life."

If you think this is bitching you have lived quite a sheltered existence.

No, you're posts speak volumes.

While my daughter was in hospital dying I focused on things that were really trivial because my brain couldn't handle the magnitude of what was happening. Its very common.

The fact you're choosing to be unkind to someone going through absolute hell right now says more about you than anything else.

We have NO idea whether he was close to the brother

He’s 22. Quite likely first time that anyone in his family is dying and he’s said to his folks he doesn’t want to visit.

and here we have the sister on mumsnet whinging about it and basically calling him pathetic

Have some compassion, op is grieving and probably feels unsupported, in these moments it is entirely normal to distract yourself with small issues, it's the brain protecting itself or transfering the anger in their grief to someone or something else.