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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult nephew not visiting uncle in hospice.

315 replies

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:17

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

OP posts:
Notfairisit · 27/08/2025 14:48

I’d absolutely hate to think that my neices and nephews might come and visit me if I was unconscious in a hospice. It would be unnecessary and intrusive for me.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 27/08/2025 14:48

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother OP. Life can be so cruel.

In answer to your question, I lost my Dad recently to cancer. My siblings and I all spent time with him in what we knew would be his last weeks but the grandchildren who are all the age of your nephew and older did not. We all totally supported their decision as they wanted to remember their Grandad as he was. My Dad would have been very upset for them to see him so unwell too, it would have brought no joy or peace to anyone really so it seemed like the right decision at that time for everyone and it's not one we regret now he has gone.

It's a very tough time facing the end of life of a much loved family member and small and big decisions all feel like you're trying to navigate a mountain.

Sending you and your family much love OP.

RedNine · 27/08/2025 14:50

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:41

Thank you all for your replies. They have helped to give me the perspective on the situation that I needed.

It's so hard to face losing your brother, I am really sorry. Take care.

Comedycook · 27/08/2025 14:51

SL2924 · 27/08/2025 14:28

So sorry, OP. A very upsetting diagnosis. Personally I think your nephew’s behaviour is awful. Yes people have to do difficult things sometimes. That’s life. For an adult to behave like this is ridiculous. Will no one bother visiting him if he gets sick in case it’s too upsetting? Honestly sometime I think this generation is fucked.

I agree...I think young people nowadays have these very elongated childhood/teenage years....22 is plenty old enough to understand that sometimes in life we have to do unpleasant things or potentially be upset.

Jitterbuggs · 27/08/2025 14:51

I'm sorry about your brother OP. I hope you have a lot of support around you during this time. Flowers

chatgptsbestmate · 27/08/2025 14:52

Seeing my Dad many times in the last month of his life was the most heartbreaking and upsetting thing I've ever had to do. I'm glad my children didn't see him like that (they live away) and they can remember Dad as poorly but not emaciated and crying with pain and confusion.

nomas · 27/08/2025 14:53

Every family is family or community is different. In mine, if you chose not to visit someone when they’re sick (save for extenuating circumstances), you have no business going to their funeral.

whitewineandsun · 27/08/2025 14:53

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:41

Thank you all for your replies. They have helped to give me the perspective on the situation that I needed.

And I do want to say that I'm sorry about your brother, it must be a horrible time for you.

ComfortFoodCafe · 27/08/2025 14:53

You are being massively unreasonable, its a personal choice. I choose not to see my grandad in a hospice and we were very close - i just couldnt do it. Was forced to stay with my MIL day after day as she was dying and then eventually in a hospice and it was the most horrific thing to watch. I wont do it again so dont judge your nephew.

singthing · 27/08/2025 14:54

I visited someone I loved dearly in a hospice frequently and seeing them so sick was incredibly hard, but of course you have to stifle that for their benefit. They had the oft-seen "rally" close to the end and that was my last interaction with them. I was asked if I'd like to see the body after death but I declined. I want to remember them as (more or less) the person I loved for so many years.

Don't ever judge how other people deal with death and dying. It's their decision and their right.

chipsticksmammy · 27/08/2025 14:58

FenderStrat · 27/08/2025 13:17

I would like some perspective, please on a difficult family situation.
My brother has a brain tumour. There are no viable treatment operations anymore, and he has been moved into a hospice for what will be the few weeks of his life. He's 58. Married no children.

He has no nieces and one nephew who is 22 years old. His nephew's parents have said that he won't be visiting his uncle. Because it's a bit distressing, and they want him to remember his uncle as he was when he was in good health. They live 8 miles from the hospice.

To me, this is what you would say to a 14 year old not a grown man.

AIBU to think that this grown man should make his own decision and not be told what to do by his parents. Also, surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life.

My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not. But I do know if he were able to understand this he would want his nephew to visit.

It's very difficult to get a handle on this due to my close proximity to the situation.

I visited my aunt when I was 40+ years old. She was very precious to me and I went as much as I could.

The whole thing was horrific. I talked to a counseller after her death and I had to concentrate a lot on the hospice, what it was like and how my aunt left us. Seeing how things ended for her in the hospice was just as hard to deal with as losing her.

You are being INCREDIBLY unreasonable.

Mama2many73 · 27/08/2025 14:59

When a friends MiL was in a hospice she looked as unwell as she was and my friend found it very distressing. Her dh was obviously upset and wanted both of his sons , in their 20s, to go and say goodbye. One did the other didn't. The dad was really angry by this and tried to force him to go in and my friend had to step in and say enough. It is purely a personal choice and noone has the right to demand or even expect it.
Age does not come into at all.

Sorry for what you are all going through at the moment x 💐

Happyelephants · 27/08/2025 15:02

Your nephew should step up and go to visit - he's a grown up, and grown ups have to do things that make them uncomfortable sometimes.

My DS visited his step-grandfather in hospital last week - he asked me if hevreally had to go, I told him that of course he did, he admitted that he knew he had to visit, just didn't really want to, but he went.

Your nephew's parents should be telling him he needs to go - family needs to support each other at times like this.

One of my sisters didn't visit my Dad for the 2 years he was in a nursing home with dementia, as she would have been so upset if he didn't recognise her. I've never forgiven her for being so selfish.

Iamthemoom · 27/08/2025 15:02

Kindly, op, having lost two very close family members to brain tumours and nursed one of them at home to the end, I wouldn’t wish any family member of any age experience the last weeks if they didn’t have to. I’m so sorry you are experiencing this and hope you have good support around you. Sending you strength for what’s ahead.

ginasevern · 27/08/2025 15:03

I'm so sorry OP, this must be so hard. Personally I do tend to agree with you. Your nephew is a grown man, not a child, and sometimes we really do have to do things that make us uncomfortable. At some stage we'll probably all need someone to do similar things for us too. Life cannot be all about us, sometimes we have to push those limits for the sake of compassion and (dare I say) decency. Death and illness is very much a part of life I'm afraid and he won't be able to avoid it forever. If he was being asked to view the body, then that's a different matter.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2025 15:04

"surely as a grown man you sometimes have to face difficult situations even if you don't want to, because sometimes doing the right thing is difficult and that's just part of adult life."

Yes

"My brother's level of cognition is such that he'll never know whether his nephew visits or not."

So in this case, there's no point trying to persuade him to visit anyway, is there?

SomeOfTheTrouble · 27/08/2025 15:05

I'm so sorry OP, this must be so hard. Personally I do tend to agree with you. Your nephew is a grown man, not a child, and sometimes we really do have to do things that make us uncomfortable

But for whose benefit would he be doing it? The OP says her brother won’t know that he’s there, so it won’t be for his benefit.

Gwenhwyfar · 27/08/2025 15:05

"To be fair…if I was dying I wouldn’t want people to come and see me if it meant them feeling upset. "

That's very selfless of you. I think I'd be quite shocked at people who think they are more upset than me if I was dying and who cannot stand being upset for an hour of their lives.

SomeOfTheTrouble · 27/08/2025 15:06

Personally, I would absolutely hate for people to visit me in such a vulnerable state.

RedNine · 27/08/2025 15:10

nomas · 27/08/2025 14:53

Every family is family or community is different. In mine, if you chose not to visit someone when they’re sick (save for extenuating circumstances), you have no business going to their funeral.

You and your community would despise me then. I was there when a parent had a chaotic and uncontrollably painful death and I chose to not see the other parent die a few years later. Oh well!

nomas · 27/08/2025 15:15

RedNine · 27/08/2025 15:10

You and your community would despise me then. I was there when a parent had a chaotic and uncontrollably painful death and I chose to not see the other parent die a few years later. Oh well!

Show quote history

It wouldn't be for us to despise you, would it? Did the other parent have someone there?

dogcatkitten · 27/08/2025 15:15

Does the nephew know what his parents have said to you? They may have told him a slightly different story, that he shouldn't visit, or his Uncle doesn't want visitors, if they think it might be upsetting for their son.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/08/2025 15:18

Hospices are wonderful places. People who have never been to one envisage that it's awful, which it isn't. I think you need to leave it for the nephew and his parents to decide.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/08/2025 15:18

Hospices are wonderful places. People who have never been to one envisage that it's awful, which it isn't. I think you need to leave it for the nephew and his parents to decide.

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 27/08/2025 15:20

Certain I'll get flamed for this, but I've judged people for not wanting to visit an elderly dog who was due to be euthanised, let alone a human! I've privately judged people for not visiting dying friends and relatives too, and I hope that when my time comes people come to visit me without being stopped by the fear that they'll have an unpleasant last memory.

When somebody is dying you show up for them, if they'd like to see you. It's a value I hold very strongly. In the lead up to their death, their needs matter more than yours. Maybe it's a pet owner thing, or a resilience thing, or maybe it's just a being-a-middle-aged-woman-I-have-a-fair-bit-of-life-experience-as-well-as-empathy thing.

I'm sorry, OP. Even though there is nothing you can or should try to do about it, your feelings are perfectly valid and understandable IMO.