To think most people on here are slightly unhinged?

[Sadworld]

I’m genuinely curious and have changed username! I’m just shocked every time I read a thread and posts responding on AIBU. Some people are kind and thoughtful in their responses but others are quite unhinged I would say. I won’t mention any posts as I think that would mean a deletion due to a post about a post? I might be wrong tho. Just generally speaking I was reading a post from a few days ago and the OP was very clear but people responding with some crazy things calling her all sorts! I did defend her hence changing my username now as I don’t want people to find the threads I’m talking about and give more abuse to the OP’s. But seriously the latest one she was very very clear but the responses were absolutely batshit. It’s like gaslighting (is that the term I mean?). The poor OP responded kindly to the same accusations explaining but was met with more abuse!

Being a genuinely kind person I can’t believe people do this. What are the reasons? Surely the world can’t be full of shitty people like this? What’s other people’s opinions? For my sanity I will ignore the obvious goading attempts but will respond to all genuinely interested in a debate against my thoughts.

There is often a pattern to unkind or batshit responses I think. The first 5 or so responses usually set the tone for the reaction. If it's any way negative or cruel, subsequent posters often follow that theme and the pile on begins and often gets worse as the thread lengthens.

More considered initial responses can mean a more balanced and actually helpful thread that can help others too.

Since I am a MN user I cannot throw the first stone, but I think a lot of posters including me are introverts and prefer to "talk" anonymously. That is a double edged sword, since it is very easy to turn nasty or completely nuts and "let it all out" than in real life. The poor OP in such threads must often wonder why they asked in the first place! But it's a choice. Hence I don't start many threads - I'm a chicken 😊

"I've met the man on the street, and he's a cunt"

Perfectly put @blackheartsgirl .

There's all sorts on here really isn't there though? There's countless times when people only read the first post and even though the thread is 5 pages long and a massive drip feed that changes everything they're still replying to the info in the first post.

Then there's the people who pick up on the most insignificant and irrelevant detail in the OP's first post and bang on and on and on about completely refusing to just drop it and stick to the point BECAUSE THEY DESERVE AN ANSWER.

There's the posts where the OP is completely set on their own view and even though 100 people have disagreed with them they're still trying to convince everyone they're right. Finally there are the people who are a little bit vulnerable/possibly autistic and they get jumped on by the first person to reply which then leads to a complete pile on.

All that said though there are some really supportive lovely threads with lots of people sending someone positive thoughts when they have a job interview, or giving some really helpful financial advice, or really concerned about someone obviously struggling with MH issues. TBH MN is not my go to for advice, but it's still a fairly interesting place to be..

Yes I remember this. You got a sense of what the prolific posters were like and you knew before reading what their view might be and whether you would value their opinion. It made it more personal.

But now it feels anonymous and I don't notice posters names much, if at all. But that means I also don't really care anymore if someone disagrees with me personally.

The problem is, a lot of people read a post, and then they project onto it all their own life experience, which leads to them making all sorts of assumptions about the OP's behaviour, actions and motivations, when there is no evidence for that whatsoever in the actual text.

That said, I have posted on AIBU several times and received genuinely helpful advice and support from loads of people, that I am genuinely grateful for (including occasionally slightly firm words that I needed to give me a kick up the backside).

That explains me, then 🫣😀

It's a funny one posting a thread about your own life because you cannot possibly, even if you're a brilliant writer, convey your situation in a few paragraphs. No one can grasp the personalities involved or the nuances of the situation, so readers tend to project their own experiences onto it. This can result in some lengthy and exhausting detours.

Some people also just like picking things apart for the sake of it - maybe they pride themselves on not being fooled easily, but it can come across as rather aggressive.

Unhinged
batshit and dying on hills
all things I’ve never heard in real life
im
genuinely kind though

The problem is, a lot of people read a post, and then they project onto it all their own life experience

This is true.
Someone adamantly argued with me once that my memory of a family wedding in the late 90s or early 00s was incorrect because it didn't tally with their experience of weddings in the same era. Therefore I was wrong and not remembering properly. They just couldn't accept someone had a different lived experience.

In the dim and distant past I remember reading about the Moldie(?) row. Something about the original members (Mumsnet Oldies) being resentful and unpleasant to newbies who dared to voice their opinion. I wasn't a member then, hadn't even heard of Mumsnet, but read about this elsewhere and then found Mumsnet out of curiosity. I can't exactly remember when but probably about 2010ish.

AIBU has always been robust. I think it probably has got more combative nowadays, probably because there are more members. Maybe society as a whole is more polarised?

I understand what your saying Op. I think MN/the internet in general gives people the opportunity to get a kick out of being quite nasty, under a veil of anonymity. I started a thread a few years ago about a manager who was harassing me whilst I was caring for my mother who was actively dying. I had some absolutely awful things said to me, I’d hope people wouldn’t be so cruel in real life.

YABU

There are multiple contributing factors, in addition to the fact that under hyperindividualistic late capitalism, a board entitled "Am I Being Unreasonable?" is just begging for contrarian responses. There's also substantial trolling on here, as on any popular site where it's very easy to sign up anonymously. Mumsnet is perhaps especially vulnerable because (1) it's so easy to change usernames, and (2) the moderation system is mainly reactive, relying on users reporting a post before it gets reviewed and removed.

Mumsnet is also routinely targeted by groups of incels/misogynists/MRAs who don't like women talking amongst themselves or being honest or speaking up for their own interests or really doing anything else except what they're told. (That sounds bonkers itself, but the bros often helpfully document their trolling by posting on Twitter or Reddit about it like they expect to get a medal pinned to their dick). And a non-trivial portion of the political posts are indirectly commissioned by a boss whose name rhymes with gluten.

Some posters are just taking advantage of the online anonymity to vent and rage, often about things only very tangentially related to the thread. Some are trying to help but project their own specific experiences onto a situation that may not be similar - your husband's definitely having an affair because mine also switched from Builder's to PG Tips and six months later ran away with his riding instructor. And yes, some people probably do have genuine MH challenges, and/or may not be completely sober. I don't agree with the person who said upthread that you'll never get usable advice here. I've seen plenty, but you may have to triage and skip over any replies that are irrelevant to your question or situation.

Obviously I wouldn’t admit to using mumsnet in real life! Indeed, there have been reports here from people who have got into terrible trouble over this - once a group of English tourists on holiday to Scotland reported being followed everywhere by neds yelling "yer mum's on Mumsnet!"

Being a genuinely kind person ... This is a more difficult problem. I recommend Victoria Smith's new book, [Un]Kind: How 'Be Kind' Entrenches Sexism.

This is so true OP! This place is full of keyboard warriors. That’s the reason I will never post about any personal issue here because while there are some genuine, kind people most of them just look for a way to attack you rather than answer whatever the post is about. For a minimum inconvenience people say you must divorce, you must leave the house, you must leave the country you live in. If it was just that easy ehh?

I often think that I would not like MNers to be on a jury trying me, there seems to be a total lack of critical thinking, if it's a post criticising a male partner or a MIL it's taken to be true even though it's only one side of the story.

‘Unhinged’ is not a neutral colloquialism. If you called OP ‘unhinged’, she would report you and get you deleted.

I think it’s six of one and half a dozen of the other. OP could be right about the thread she refers to but she could also be wrong and just not like anyone disagreeing with her. I’ve seen a lot of so called kind people trying to shut down debate with ‘just be kind’ type rhetoric.

The thing I find weirdest about MN are this whole breed of posters who have jobs paying £150K plus, are high flyers with multiple houses and kids at private school (where they have to pay VAT, grrr) and yet somehow find time to spend their whole lives on an internet forum.

This I can actually believe! Obviously there's going to be a handful of fantasists but this is one of the very few forums, if not only forum, on the entire internet that is solely text-based with the vast majority of users using correct spelling and punctuation. So by nature, it will attract more educated people and those who can read and write well. SAHMs to wealthy men often have spare time during the days so idling around on a forum about family and social issues makes perfect sense.

By contract, the vast majority of people on the internet cannot string together a coherent sentence without making a spelling or grammatical mistake. At risk of a sweeping generalisation, lesser educated and lower earning people usually don't like writing as a primary mode of self expression (compared to spoken speech, recorded video or photos), so they won't be seeking out a forum where they have to do exactly that. It's literally impossible to read the comments section of other social media platforms for enjoyment, the same way a good MN thread is actually entertaining.

I think it’s like anything anonymous - people can be whoever they want and say whatever they like without any repercussions. Sometimes people probably forget it’s another human being on the receiving end.

Some rude posters will be just as rude in real life, others will be venting frustration, and others will play nicely and give good advice with the best intentions. Some comments will be misunderstood too.

I do feel for OPs when there’s a pile on, whatever the topic. People reach out for advice, usually about stuff they can’t ask about in real life (for many reasons) and it’s awful that people stick the boot in.

I think we’re all a bit odd and/or unhinged in many ways but assume we’re the ‘normal’ ones and it’s everyone else who’s not 😂

Every thread here is a one side story. If you only choose to disbelieve the ones about men or MILs then that’s you being selective in what you believe due to your own biases.

Yes, I’ve been here over 20 years and it was a much better place back then (although it could be a bit cliquey).

I think the change in tone is prevalent in social media in general now.

Totally agree with you. How many of these online bitches would say the things in person that they type online. I think kindness trumps nastiness every time.

Of course people are nastier behind a screen!

If a friend in real life suggested they wanted to paint their kitchen lime green, I'd tell them what a wonderful idea that was, and how lime green will really complement the colours they've used in the rest of their home.

If someone on an anonymous forum asked if they should paint their kitchen lime green, I'd tell them they were a manic and need to be sectioned!

Before I had been here I can remember a Jason Manford post on Facebook about taking his Daughter shoe shopping. She couldn't decide which ones she wanted so he bought her more than one pair. Women were posting that she was spoilt and how she was going to grow up to be horrible and he replied something like it was like being on Mumsnet.

So it must have had a reputation for a while.

Do you genuinely not see the irony in your post?