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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friendship ended after 20 years

186 replies

Okfig · 25/08/2025 16:14

My 2 year old son has cancer and I received this..

Things you need to know to add context: My son was diagnosed with cancer July 2025, She has previously had a moan at me in regard to this situation however. Her mom and my mom are besties.

Messages went as follows..
Her: Hi, i feel like i've been updated about ‘your son’ through social media rather than you which we have spoke about but clearly it's easier for you to update everyone including your close friends that way rather than a message. i haven't wanted to pester you with loads of messages through this process even though i feel at the start i did send a lot but thought eventually thought id let you come to me as you're going through a lot rather than me bomb boarding you with messages. I will always be there for ‘your son’ so if he needs anything please do message me but i feel like our friendship has almost come to an end which is a shame but as much as you are going through a lot i just feel like we are on different paths so it is best to have this message so we kind of know we are on the same page. i will keep updated about ‘your son’ through mom so don't feel like you need to message me but yeah if he needs anything let me know. i just feel like this message was needed with all the sudden publicity about ‘your son’ and obvs i haven't responded to anything. we sent you money and presents as soon as we heard about ‘your son’ so hopefully you know that we do care but i just feel we would go around things differently hence the personal presents/gifts. You probs won't but like i said, if ‘your son’ needs anything please message. If you feel differently then please reach out but if not i won't feel offended to no response.
Me: Hey, it’s easier than a million different messages to people, so much happens day to day. It’s nothing personal, it just gets draining. I appreciate you haven’t wanted to message loads, I get that completely. I agree it’s a shame and it was never my intention to loose you as a friend. I know, and the gifts and money were really appreciated by us all. thank you for the love towards ‘my son,’ I’ll let you know if he needs anything.
Her: i just struggle to understand about messaging me when i was supposedly your "best friend" who you can't message but have time to post on facebook and insta and now creating tiktoks too it's just a kick in the teeth no matter how much you say it's not personal, surely you can understand that? so just so i know, is that it with our friendship then?
Me: It’s not like I want it to be but I just don’t think I can be the friend you want me to be right now tbh. Im talking to no one daily but my mom, dad and ‘my partner’. My mom is literally keeping everyone updated for me outside of that. Im posting on socials so people can see him and update from me. I’m doing what I can to cope, the TikTok’s made me feel better. Seeing him how he used to be.

OP posts:
Heyhelga · 25/08/2025 16:18

Jesus wept what on earth is she thinking?! You don't need that drama. Gosh I'm so sorry what you going through with your boy and wish you all the best.

Ivenoname · 25/08/2025 16:19

I'm so sorry about your son OP.

Please don't let this woman upset you. She is making things all about her. You are dealing with a really difficult situation and it's unbelievable someone who was supposed to be your friend is behaving in such a childish manner.

KimHwn · 25/08/2025 16:24

Bloody hell, she's really, truly awful. I'm so sorry about your son, I hope you're bearing up and I wish him all the best x

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/08/2025 16:26

Wow. Me, me, me, me, me. (Her.)

"Her mom and my mom are besties."
So was this the reason you were friends, do you think? Had your mothers not been besties, would you have liked each other; or was it the constant contact via your mothers that forged the friendship?

It's not unusual for a crisis to shake out the people who are not real friends. She does sound as if she expects you to dance attendance regardless of what is going on in your life. Was she always like this, do you think? Did you let it slide before?

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 25/08/2025 16:26

I'm so sorry about your son op.

This is sadly very common.

When my dd was born and was very unwell my oldest friend fell out with me because I wasn't keeping her updated.

As it turned out, years later, she felt embarrassed because people were asking her for information and she didn't know, she wanted to centre herself in my daughters life and death, and I only had the capacity to deal with my dc and myself at that time. She wasn't getting the attention she required so she got attention by cutting me off and blaming me.

My son had died some years previously and she centred herself then too, so it shouldn't have been a shock.

She isn't a good friend, a good friend would message and check in and expect absolutely nothing back, and a good friend absolutely wouldn't put any additional pressure on you at all.

Wishing you and your son all the best 💐

Glindaa · 25/08/2025 16:28

Wow she’s no friend. Kicking you in the teeth with abandonment & further stress while your kid is seriously unwell. The trash has taken itself out. The msgs about money & gifts and being there if your son needs her are absolutely laughable. That’s called virtue signalling. She’s a twisted self absorbed cretin who’s jealous that she can’t be updated before everyone else to feed her own sense of self importance. Her life must be pretty empty & she’s not right in the head if she needs to feed her ego with firsthand updates about the sickness of your son. Disgusting behaviour. Drop her like a rock and tell her to never speak to you again. Don’t pander to her sickness. Your moms will try to intervene but this is a toxic person you don’t need in your life .

TBC99 · 25/08/2025 16:28

Flippin eck! Talk about selfish on the part of your so-called friend. You have a seriously poorly son and she's having a strop because you're not messaging her?! She needs to grow up

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 25/08/2025 16:31

She’s managed to make it all about her, hasn’t she? Bloody hell. No real concern for you or your son. Astonishing. I would let her disappear.

All strength to you and your boy.

Mama2many73 · 25/08/2025 16:38

OMFG!! Who the hell is she??
You are going through one of the worst things a parent can possibly go through and she's pissed that she isn't getting personal 1:1 updates/messages (she has also decided NOT to send you messages as 'you're going through a lot' but expect YOU to ipdate HER?!)
What a selfish, self centred person she is.

Im so sorry your son is poorly and praying everything goes well.for you all. Cut her free and ignore. If a friend is a good friend then then least she can be saying is ' just ask/ here for whatever uou need/ feel no pressure'

MaryBerrysFannyHammock · 25/08/2025 16:39

Eh I'm lost. Is this woman really ending a friendship because you don't prioritise her over others?

Okfig · 25/08/2025 16:43

MaryBerrysFannyHammock · 25/08/2025 16:39

Eh I'm lost. Is this woman really ending a friendship because you don't prioritise her over others?

Not just ‘others’ my son

OP posts:
Okfig · 25/08/2025 16:44

Those who think I’m being I reasonable on the vote, I would really like to hear your side. I am trying to see and understand her POV

OP posts:
Okfig · 25/08/2025 16:46

Okfig · 25/08/2025 16:44

Those who think I’m being I reasonable on the vote, I would really like to hear your side. I am trying to see and understand her POV

*unreasonable

OP posts:
XelaM · 25/08/2025 16:48

Omg what kind of person would do this?! Completely speechless!

Wishing your son the very very best x

XelaM · 25/08/2025 16:50

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 25/08/2025 16:26

I'm so sorry about your son op.

This is sadly very common.

When my dd was born and was very unwell my oldest friend fell out with me because I wasn't keeping her updated.

As it turned out, years later, she felt embarrassed because people were asking her for information and she didn't know, she wanted to centre herself in my daughters life and death, and I only had the capacity to deal with my dc and myself at that time. She wasn't getting the attention she required so she got attention by cutting me off and blaming me.

My son had died some years previously and she centred herself then too, so it shouldn't have been a shock.

She isn't a good friend, a good friend would message and check in and expect absolutely nothing back, and a good friend absolutely wouldn't put any additional pressure on you at all.

Wishing you and your son all the best 💐

Honestly cannot believe people like this exist in real life. I'm so sorry xx

Ooodelally · 25/08/2025 16:57

She is an unmitigated cunt and you are well rid of her, especially at such a difficult time. I wish you and your son all the best x

Escapingafter50years · 25/08/2025 17:02

So sorry for what you're dealing with in terms of your son. As to your "friend", she is entirely unreasonable.
Have a look at the Ring Theory
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)#/media/File:Ring_theory.svg
Perhaps even send it to her!
Wishing you, your son and family all the best

Ring theory (psychology) - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_theory_(psychology)#/media/File:Ring_theory.svg

Onelifeonly · 25/08/2025 17:03

She thinks she is the main character in your life story. People like this lack empathy and understanding of others' vewpoints. Just ignore her for now - you've explained yourself clearly and she won't or can't see your side.

I'm sorry your son is ill - I hope the treatment works out well for him.

Rosemary61 · 25/08/2025 17:07

I'm so so sorry about your little boy. Sending strength, positivity and love to both of you.

Block this negativity out - don't give it another thought. This person is not your friend, I can't believe anyone would be so self-absorbed.
All the best 💓

smallpinecone · 25/08/2025 17:10

God almighty, how self-obsessed can someone be? It beggars belief!

I’m so sorry your son is ill OP 🌸🌺 I hope he recovers well and wish you all the very best.

But fuck that. This so called ‘friendship’ would be over for me. All this stress and aggravation is the last thing you need. I wouldn’t give her another moment of my precious time or mental energy. Breathe and feel the weight lifted off your shoulders.

Iamanunsafebuilding · 25/08/2025 17:26

When my nephew had cancer I got relayed messages through my parents. I didn’t expect my brother to message me directly, I knew updating individuals was too much for him when they were in the thick of chemo. And I also knew it wasn’t about me regardless of how worried I was about them all

HorrorPudding · 25/08/2025 17:33

It is unbelievable isn’t it? How could what you’re going through possibly be all about her? I’ve seen this kind of thing a few times and it seems more common than it should be.

A friend of mine’s DH died a few years ago and a group of us fellow parents tried to offer support in whatever way we could. However one of the mothers sort of ring-fenced the bereaved friend and seemed to be responding to her own need to be the most compassionate and also the one “in the know” telling everyone what was an appropriate response from them. The outcome was isolating for the bereaved friend who also found herself “managing” the neediness of the self-appointed “most supportive” person. When my friend pushed back and said she needed space the woman turned on her and began to share different information about her “not coping” and implying negative things about my bereaved friend’s character. It was bizarre but it’s not uncommon to be in receipt of some really self-centred and plain weird responses during challenging times sadly.

I expect your friend will find that if she expresses any dissatisfaction with your communication more widely she will get short shrift from people as it is perfectly obvious where your priorities should and do lie. She obviously knows in theory how she should be responding but she can’t quite put herself second. I think she might regret sending that message.

@Okfigwishing you and your DS the absolute best 💐

JLou08 · 25/08/2025 17:40

That reads like she is self-centred with zero empathy, I'd guess she wanted to be the one to know everything first to be sharing the updates and letting people know how much she is supporting you. I don't often call people this but she does sound narcissistic.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Wishing all the best for your little one. Try not to give that woman another thought.

DramaQueenlady · 25/08/2025 17:41

She's absolutely awful. Block her on every social media site you post about your wee boy. I hope all goes well and sorry for what your family are going through. All the best ❤️❤️

HisNibs · 25/08/2025 17:42

I've nothing to offer but to say that the trash took itself out. I'm sorry OP, her messages were horrendous. They're all me, me, me, me, me.

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