Friendship ended after 20 years

[Okfig]

My 2 year old son has cancer and I received this..

Things you need to know to add context: My son was diagnosed with cancer July 2025, She has previously had a moan at me in regard to this situation however. Her mom and my mom are besties.

Messages went as follows..
Her: Hi, i feel like i've been updated about ‘your son’ through social media rather than you which we have spoke about but clearly it's easier for you to update everyone including your close friends that way rather than a message. i haven't wanted to pester you with loads of messages through this process even though i feel at the start i did send a lot but thought eventually thought id let you come to me as you're going through a lot rather than me bomb boarding you with messages. I will always be there for ‘your son’ so if he needs anything please do message me but i feel like our friendship has almost come to an end which is a shame but as much as you are going through a lot i just feel like we are on different paths so it is best to have this message so we kind of know we are on the same page. i will keep updated about ‘your son’ through mom so don't feel like you need to message me but yeah if he needs anything let me know. i just feel like this message was needed with all the sudden publicity about ‘your son’ and obvs i haven't responded to anything. we sent you money and presents as soon as we heard about ‘your son’ so hopefully you know that we do care but i just feel we would go around things differently hence the personal presents/gifts. You probs won't but like i said, if ‘your son’ needs anything please message. If you feel differently then please reach out but if not i won't feel offended to no response.
Me: Hey, it’s easier than a million different messages to people, so much happens day to day. It’s nothing personal, it just gets draining. I appreciate you haven’t wanted to message loads, I get that completely. I agree it’s a shame and it was never my intention to loose you as a friend. I know, and the gifts and money were really appreciated by us all. thank you for the love towards ‘my son,’ I’ll let you know if he needs anything.
Her: i just struggle to understand about messaging me when i was supposedly your "best friend" who you can't message but have time to post on facebook and insta and now creating tiktoks too it's just a kick in the teeth no matter how much you say it's not personal, surely you can understand that? so just so i know, is that it with our friendship then?
Me: It’s not like I want it to be but I just don’t think I can be the friend you want me to be right now tbh. Im talking to no one daily but my mom, dad and ‘my partner’. My mom is literally keeping everyone updated for me outside of that. Im posting on socials so people can see him and update from me. I’m doing what I can to cope, the TikTok’s made me feel better. Seeing him how he used to be.

All I can say is fuck me

This woman is an utter tosser

Just ignore her from now till the end of time

I hope your son gets better soon

@Okfig I hope your son gets better soon. I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending virtual hugs 💐💕🌈

Yanbu. However, in reading what she wrote to you it really stood out to me that she seems to lack social skills. And it came across to me that, while she does care, she doesn’t know where she stands with you in terms of your friendship and is asking you in a round about way if you still want to be friends with her. I initially thought that she was trying to politely dump you as a friend because she didn’t want to deal with supporting a friend going through a traumatic situation. But, then it seemed more like she was fishing for reassurance.

You’ve known her for 20 years. Has she always been a bit self absorbed and lacking in social awareness?

Most people understand enough to simply offer to be there for you when you need them and then give you space. And most people would understand why it is completely inappropriate to put this kind of pressure on a person dealing with what you’re going through.

Don’t worry about her issues. Just focus on you and your family and do what you need to do to get through this. You don’t have to justify to her or anyone else your actions. If you want to update people via social media instead of individually then that’s what you do. Most reasonable people would understand. 💖

She absolutely is!! But why was she writing ‘your son’ in quotation marks like that? Weird.

Sounds to me like she’s jealous and wants attention. She’s expecting you to give her all the information first so she can be all main character to everyone else about how she’s supporting you and she knows more but “can’t say”. If she was a real friend she’d care about your wellbeing more than her own ego.

I had a friend like this. Past tense.
Sending you strength and good wishes for your son and family.

Think OP is writing that rather than putting her sons name in

Very sorry to hear about your son.

She is clearly no friend to you and wants to create some drama and make it all about her.

I had similar when I myself was diagnosed with cancer. These types truly show us who they are in a crisis.

You are well rid.

I’m really sorry about your wee boy op. Wishing you and him every strength. 💐

Jeez I’m embarrassed on your friend’s behalf op. What an oddly passive aggressive message.

Even if she felt she was justified in feeling a bit hurt and excluded, which btw she isn’t, any normal person in her shoes would think,

“well the best time to end a twenty year friendship is possibly not when my best friend’s son has cancer”

Duh!

She is making it all about her by forcing the issue now. I think your answer was remarkably measured.

I would have answered something like “I understand you were expecting separate updates to you privately but you should believe me when I say I don’t have the energy or bandwidth for that right now and of all the people in the world I thought you would have understood and you would have given me some grace but I was wrong ” and block her.

Anyone with a modicum of intelligence would know that you batten down the hatches in this situation. Your battery is taken up by sleepless nights and worry, You have limited energy for interaction with anyone outside your immediate family. Posting on Facebook or wherever is an easy form of communication which can be achieved in seconds while doing other things and it doesn’t take the same emotional input as engaging with a rl friend, especially a needy one whose feelings you have to tiptoe around.

Can’t imagine the shit you’re going through and there’s her with pouty hurt face! Unbelievable. YANBU, obviously. You shouldn’t have to have headspace for her.

"Your son has cancer. How can I make this about me?"

You are well rid of someone so emotionally immature and self-centred and demanding.

You've done nothing wrong you are working through a v difficult situation. And during this you will find your friends for life and those who aren't. I hope your son's treatment goes well and he makes a full recovery xx

I had a ' best friend' like yours and I genuinely felt grateful when our friendship ended. No one needs a narcissist in their lives. I'm so sorry about your son . All you need to focus on is your family and the people who unconditionally love you.

I'm so sorry about your son. I hope his treatment goes really well.

Your friend could not have exposed herself better as a huge ego-centred narcissist. She has made your son's illness about how (she feels) she is being treated. Grotesque behaviour.

I had a best friend like this once. After the initial anger and hurt when the friendship ended, I honestly felt better. You really don't need people like this in your life.

Echo what a lot of people are saying you haven't done anything wrong.

She's showing you her true colours your better off without someone who makes it the me show.

I have a good friend. She has had cancer twice. First time around she tried to update people individually but was exhausted. Her mum was putting out inaccurate information and none of it helped her wellbeing when she was trying to go through gruelling treatment. Second time around when I knew her she made it clear that she would do regular updates on Facebook for all family and friends but didn't want to be asked other than that and that she probably wouldn't be able to respond to individual messages. It was time consuming, draining and unhelpful for her. We all completely respected that. I made an effort to still send our usual jokes and chat but she knew I didn't need a response. Your 'friend' is being completely self absorbed and rude. There is no right way to deal with this situation and her petty feelings should be kept to herself.

Those who think I’m being I reasonable on the vote, I would really like to hear your side. I am trying to see and understand her POV

Having had a best friend like yours, I recognise these patterns of behaviour from her and how she is thinking. She is text book replicating my ex besties behaviour.

She wanted the 'hit' and 'reward' of you confirming her high status position as your ' bestie' by you singling her out for comfort and solace and support in your hour of need, above all your other friends. This would have made her feel really, really good.

When you did not do this, she felt rejected and lowered in status to ' just another friend'. She found this psychologically intolerable. She has cut you off to punish you for your betrayal of the friendship.

She sent that message saying how she would be there for your son ( though not you as you are no longer friends), so that she can tell people how she sent you a really nice letter, such a nice letter, that she put so much thought and caring into. That way, if there is any kick back from her message, she can portray herself as the victim of the kickback.

At no point has she ever thought about any of this from your perspective or why you are handling this as you are. For her, its all about your responsibility for how she is feeling, and your need to be punished for making her feel bad.

Your replies to her messages were so kind and honest whilst also acknowledging her hurt feelings. I’m stunned she hadn’t messaged back to say she’s sorry for being such a numpty and she understands now why you are posting on socials rather than messaging.

Those criticising op for using sm:

Most SM does have privacy settings. You can limit who sees messages to a small group of close family and friends. That’s what it is for. So it’s not right to assume that op is broadcasting publicly about her son.

I understand the confidentiality concerns as her son can’t consent and personally I don’t think I would post on sm in these circumstances. But everyone is different.

This situation is incredibly isolating and op says that it is helping her to post on TikTok. And if it is helping her, then it’s no one elses’s business really what they think of it, because she is the one going through the mill right now. And whatever helps her get through atm, also helps her child.

Also, there is a huge difference between posting when your ds is a toddler and not a aware of sm and say a teenager who is on line every day,

Finally, I know a really large family spread across UK, Ireland and USA, whose dd had cancer as a toddler, and now she is a pre-teen, it’s really helpful for her to look back on all the photos and sm comments posted at that time by friends and family. Not only has it helped her understand what happened to her, it’s helped her to know that so many family members and friends loved her and were rooting for her. So, used carefully, it’s not all bad by any means.

I have no words for this. Just wow. What kind of 'friend' is she at all? I wish you and your son all the love in the world.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I had a friend like this. She ghosted me for months whilst she was getting divorced and didn't have the energy to keep me in the loop.
However she was bombarding me with messages when my mum was on her deathbed. She just wanted to be in the thick of the drama, so she could wallow in the melancholy and get sympathy for the shit storm you are going through.
It was incredibly toxic and when mum finally passed, the same individual turned to my family to do the same. She made out like I was the worst person in the world for not indulging her. Truth is that she has some serious mental health issues. Secure people don't need to know details to an extent that they would upset you.
I think you should just ignore her, keep your strength for your child and big prayers to you and your family.

The reply she wanted was a grovelling apology from OP for being such a bad friend and a promise to do better.

Then she could graciously allow OP back into her life, knowing she had OP back in line.

That's how people like the friend think.

They won't as they know everyone will pounce on them.

She really is a piece of work, isn't she? Give her no further thought. It's all about her. Hurtful but now you know where she is at.

Seeing this at the moment with a friend who is terminally ill, and a very close friend is caring - there are people who understand you don't have bandwidth to update everyone individually, and then there are those who get bent out of shape about it, and worse still try to centre themselves and push themselves upon a sick person who needs a lot of rest and peace.

Wishing all the best for you and your wee son, and hope he will make a good recovery. ♥️

You asked for someone to explain it from her perspective so I'll try (not because I necessarily agree that she's right).

It reads as though you are/were very close friends. Best friends. That she understood you needed space and that your priorities were elsewhere but reached out regularly and sent gifts etc to show you and your son were in her thoughts.
You didn't acknowledge these because you understandably had a lot on your plate and she got that.

But now she feels hurt that she thought you were best friends and that she would be one of those in your inner circle helping you through this awful time.

However she's realised that she only counts the same as Sue that you used to work with eight years ago.

So she's trying (badly) to say reach out to me if I've got this wrong but I won't pester you again.

As I say, I have added this to try and provide the explanation you asked for from her perspective, before I get a pile on that these are my personal views.

I can see why she is a bit hurt but equally don't agree this is the time or way to express that.

However, if she has been a good friend to you, maybe it is worth picking up the phone if you have any mental capacity to spare because text messages are a terrible way to convey feelings and so much of the nuance is missed.

I hope your son is doing well and sorry you are going through this.

Wow I am so sorry OP that you are dealing with this selfish person on top of everything else. Just block her number, archive her, anything just do not respond at all. A proper friend would know you are going through hell right now and offer to be there for you when you need not make it the all about them show. What a selfish nasty horrible person this is. Wishing your son all the very best.