Friendship ended after 20 years

[Okfig]

My 2 year old son has cancer and I received this..

Things you need to know to add context: My son was diagnosed with cancer July 2025, She has previously had a moan at me in regard to this situation however. Her mom and my mom are besties.

Messages went as follows..
Her: Hi, i feel like i've been updated about ‘your son’ through social media rather than you which we have spoke about but clearly it's easier for you to update everyone including your close friends that way rather than a message. i haven't wanted to pester you with loads of messages through this process even though i feel at the start i did send a lot but thought eventually thought id let you come to me as you're going through a lot rather than me bomb boarding you with messages. I will always be there for ‘your son’ so if he needs anything please do message me but i feel like our friendship has almost come to an end which is a shame but as much as you are going through a lot i just feel like we are on different paths so it is best to have this message so we kind of know we are on the same page. i will keep updated about ‘your son’ through mom so don't feel like you need to message me but yeah if he needs anything let me know. i just feel like this message was needed with all the sudden publicity about ‘your son’ and obvs i haven't responded to anything. we sent you money and presents as soon as we heard about ‘your son’ so hopefully you know that we do care but i just feel we would go around things differently hence the personal presents/gifts. You probs won't but like i said, if ‘your son’ needs anything please message. If you feel differently then please reach out but if not i won't feel offended to no response.
Me: Hey, it’s easier than a million different messages to people, so much happens day to day. It’s nothing personal, it just gets draining. I appreciate you haven’t wanted to message loads, I get that completely. I agree it’s a shame and it was never my intention to loose you as a friend. I know, and the gifts and money were really appreciated by us all. thank you for the love towards ‘my son,’ I’ll let you know if he needs anything.
Her: i just struggle to understand about messaging me when i was supposedly your "best friend" who you can't message but have time to post on facebook and insta and now creating tiktoks too it's just a kick in the teeth no matter how much you say it's not personal, surely you can understand that? so just so i know, is that it with our friendship then?
Me: It’s not like I want it to be but I just don’t think I can be the friend you want me to be right now tbh. Im talking to no one daily but my mom, dad and ‘my partner’. My mom is literally keeping everyone updated for me outside of that. Im posting on socials so people can see him and update from me. I’m doing what I can to cope, the TikTok’s made me feel better. Seeing him how he used to be.

She needs to fuck off to the bin. How were responses so measured?? I would have told her exactly where she should go. What a horrible person

My best friend's mum died. Our mums were also best friends.

She didn't want to talk to me at all! The context of our friendship with our childhood and our mums was just too painful.

You know what I said?

"No problem. You know where to find me when you're ready. Xxxx"

That's what you can expect from an actual friend. This person is not your friend, or if she is ...she's not very good at it!

They’ve probably just pressed the wrong button. Impossible to think you are unreasonable here OP.
Your friend is staggeringly lacking in care for you and empathy. From her messages it sounds as though you have been neglecting her, rather than needing to focus everything on your toddler. I think she probably doesn’t have children? Even then, surely she can imagine how her life might be upended if her partner was very ill.
She wants to be your special person, to have closer contact with you than your general friend group, yet lacks the imagination to understand that you only have emotional energy for your child at the moment, and anything else is demanding too much from you.

I’m so sorry about your son OP and wish him well for his treatment.

I can relate to your post to a certain extent though it was my partner with cancer not a child but like you I didn’t have capacity to keep everyone updated individually.

I certainly found out who my real friends were which weren’t always those I expected. Some like your friend seemed to take it personally that I just couldn’t update them personally on what was happening - I didn’t have the time or strength to repeat things - they pulled away. Others were amazing - messaging me without any expectation of a reply and making it clear they’d help (& following through with this) in whatever way I needed. I’ll always remember the friend who I was meant to meet for a coffee (after months of not being able to see her), which I had to cancel last minute when my partner was rushed to hospital. I came home after an awful day at the hospital to flowers on my doorstep from her and a note to say she’d always be there for us.

Please don’t worry about your ‘friend’. Your priority will always be your lovely son and you’ll find the most unexpected people will be there for you to support as and when you need it - without any expectation of anything in return.

I would say you could be unreasonable for even dignifying her text with a response. She needed to be told how awful she was and then blocked.

Just to be clear, I don't think you're bring unreasonable at all. I think the idea of ending a friendship by text for any reason while the other party is dealing with their child having cancer is ridiculous. To end it for this reason is self-centered beyond belief.

However, I remember being a bit hurt when my best friend had a traumatic labour and I'd been supporting her for 2 days before total silence and then a generic Facebook update 24 hours later. She'd done nothing wrong, it was the "I'm not part of her absolute core circle. " I feel like maybe she saw herself as equivalent to your mum or a sister, being there and helping you manage.

I was being silly. In the same situation, my core would have been my husband and my mum. But when you're not in the thick of it and you're just worrying about someone you do love, then maybe you overthink. None of that should ever have been put on you however.

I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not trying to justify her behaviour (hopefully this is the worst thing she's ever done in her life) just maybe shes acting on the same silly feelings I had.

Yes I thought that was all nonsense too, trying to establish good intentions where there are none... and repeated several times in case you didn't get the point. It's it comes across as I will help your son, but not you.... which is spiteful and clearly not helpful at all.

I think it's fair enough that she feels hurt that you haven't reached out to her (although it's completely understandable that you haven't). However it's totally inappropriate and selfish of her to bring that up with you, especially when you are still going through everything, and shocking that she chose to end the friendship and tell you now.

My son also has cancer, and I also resorted to updating via a private instagram as it just becomes so hectic, and emotionally exhausting doing separate messages to everyone.
But I've had friends who've also had cancer, and I notice there is often one of two people who like to be the gatekeepers of the updates. Almost like they enjoy being the special person that gets confided in, and then they performatively share the updates with the rest of us.
I wonder if your friend wanted to be this person? The one who you confide in, the special individual, who gets all the information first? And is aggrieved that you've not chosen to do that. She's certainly making that message all about her. People can be weird.

@Okfig my poor love! So sorry to hear your going through this.

Your friend isn’t a good friend, she’s a grief vulture and totally unreasonable

your only reply ought to have been “oh I’m sorry I’m not doing Mum of child with cancer in the way you want, my bad”

or “dear friend, I can’t believe your making literally the worst time in my life all about you. I’m shocked, saddened and disappointed.”

im cross on your behalf, her behaviour is out of order.

and did she really say bomb boarding instead of bombarding? 😆🤣 she’s not very bright is she?

Time to lose her as a friend, cut her loose. You need good people around you in times like these.

To be fair I went though something horrific and I found my friends distanced themselves from me and were quite nitpicky about me during a hard time. So whilst I’m not saying it’s acceptable behaviour, I do think it’s normal behaviour.

ultimately people with decent social skills will know not to pester you with this during a difficult time. Whereas this friend of yours chose this time as the appropriate time to lumber you with this. So just think about that and assess whether you even want her in your life, cause she’s clearly not a gem to keep hold of.

personally I got rid of the faux friends and I’m genuinely happier for it

You're so right about this - crisis and it can be so so hurtful. A girl I thought was my bestie hasn't visited me in the 5 years since my Mum passed - I always go to her and am silently 'expected' to be positive at all times despite grief and an abusive relationship. There are things I just know are 'off limits' for her to discuss and it's hurtful as she still has a full family, parents grandparents etc. I don't have any of that. I had an attempt on my life, and she (no one) visited me in hospital when I told them, one of my oldest friends even saying 'that is your choice there is nothing I can do about that'.

I wonder has anyone ever heard the expression 'busy season of life'. That's what she said to me when I tried to arrange a catch up with her. It's really hurtful when an old friend does this. I've been there throughout her kids births, growing up, etc and have always been there for support. There is very little given back. So I know how you feel it's very difficult. I'm growing to learn there should be deciding factor with friends - and for me it's now being ok with feeling I have been let down through NO ONE visiting during grief. It's NOT ok. It's not ok to not acknowledge an anniversary or just ignore you when you're quiet, but to find fault and pick pick pick at stupid things.

Let her go because it sounds like this is what she is doing to you.

Gosh, she’s really shown her true colours hasn’t she? So your son was diagnosed with cancer a maximum of eight weeks ago, possibly less, and because during that time you haven’t managed to message her individually, she is prepared to end a 20 year friendship?! Unbelievable. Did you realise how self-centred she was before this?

I'm so sorry. What a selfish and moronic woman. I can imagine my godmother behaving exactly like this, which is why she and my mother haven't spoken for years. How dare she make your son's illness all about her!?

Absolutely disgusting behaviour. You are going through hell, panic and worry and fear, the last thing you need is some idiot making demands on you because they feel ‘let down’. How dare she make this about her. I’m so sorry for you and really wishing your baby a very swift recovery. Don’t engage with her again honestly she is a disgrace.

She's a selfish cunt.

And I almost never, ever use that word.

I hope your son's treatment is successful x

Your friend is absolutely ridiculous for making this about her!
You’re going through one of the scariest times of your life, you do not need to prioritise anyone over your family. Her needs in this are not important and she’s a shit friend to let you down like this just because she’s not getting the updates before you post on social media. Updating everyone in one go makes so much more sense if that’s how you want to do it, it would be draining to say the same thing over and over to individual people, her included. The fact she has made this about her shows she really does not understand or empathise with what your family are going through right now. What she has done is hurtful…
Let her go. And focus on your son.
Hope and pray he is on the mend soon…

My brother has had a medical crisis this year.

we updated people in group messages- we don’t use Facebook much but basically a similar idea.

I muted every single friend on my phone and only responded when I felt like it. My family incl my brothers wife did the same.

not once has anyone given us shit for not updating them in the timeline or way they preferred. Instead acquaintances brought us food.

your ex friend is ridiculous

That would be a friendship ending communication for me.

Best wishes for your son

Op I'm so, so sorry about your child's diagnosis. Must be so hard.

I think your friend feels like she would have wanted to be there for you much more than she has been, so maybe there's some guilt there, reading between the lines, and she wanted to explain to you that your lack of communication is a reason why she hasn't been super involved with supporting you and your son. I don't think she worded it very well though as she made it all about her and not you. Your first message back to her was a really good response though.

I'd try to leave it there and not give her any more headspace with everything else you have going on.x

I went through similar as a child and am extremely glad SM was not around and when I went through it again as a teen VERY glad my mother was not posting me in my most vulnerable state. It was my journey and experience. I now have a child who has frequent hospitalizations and again don’t post him when he’s in hospital. A brief update may be all OP is doing which is fine but some parents on SM post their children’s photos and videos whilst they are in the hospital, sharing their personal information and I don’t think anyone raising this may be a concern is wrong. Most people using tik tok use it on public to connect with strangers online. We don’t know if OP is doing this and her friend is vile regardless but social media is often sharing with strangers, people you don’t know well or haven’t spoken to in years as well as friends and family.
Maybe OP is only posting updates to very close friends and family. Once you stop using social media the weirdness of it becomes more apparent. Someone my mum went to primary school didn’t need to know when I was having treatment and surgery.

OP not only are you not unreasonable but you're far too lovely. I'd have told her to get to fuck in my first reply to her.

Wishing your DC the swiftest of recoveries, I can't imagine what you're going through. Take all the time you need to adjust and pay no attention to those who have nothing to offer you in this time of need.

What a dreadful woman , not a friend.

I am so sorry to hear about your son and it must be a very traumatic time , yet she felt the need to add some drama.
Don't reply to her anymore.
Does she have children?
Wishing you and your son / family well.

How are things OP?

I really fuckin hate people sometimes.
sending love to you op xx