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AIBU?

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Original poster

Friendship ended after 20 years

186 replies

Okfig · 25/08/2025 16:14

My 2 year old son has cancer and I received this..

Things you need to know to add context: My son was diagnosed with cancer July 2025, She has previously had a moan at me in regard to this situation however. Her mom and my mom are besties.

Messages went as follows..
Her: Hi, i feel like i've been updated about ‘your son’ through social media rather than you which we have spoke about but clearly it's easier for you to update everyone including your close friends that way rather than a message. i haven't wanted to pester you with loads of messages through this process even though i feel at the start i did send a lot but thought eventually thought id let you come to me as you're going through a lot rather than me bomb boarding you with messages. I will always be there for ‘your son’ so if he needs anything please do message me but i feel like our friendship has almost come to an end which is a shame but as much as you are going through a lot i just feel like we are on different paths so it is best to have this message so we kind of know we are on the same page. i will keep updated about ‘your son’ through mom so don't feel like you need to message me but yeah if he needs anything let me know. i just feel like this message was needed with all the sudden publicity about ‘your son’ and obvs i haven't responded to anything. we sent you money and presents as soon as we heard about ‘your son’ so hopefully you know that we do care but i just feel we would go around things differently hence the personal presents/gifts. You probs won't but like i said, if ‘your son’ needs anything please message. If you feel differently then please reach out but if not i won't feel offended to no response.
Me: Hey, it’s easier than a million different messages to people, so much happens day to day. It’s nothing personal, it just gets draining. I appreciate you haven’t wanted to message loads, I get that completely. I agree it’s a shame and it was never my intention to loose you as a friend. I know, and the gifts and money were really appreciated by us all. thank you for the love towards ‘my son,’ I’ll let you know if he needs anything.
Her: i just struggle to understand about messaging me when i was supposedly your "best friend" who you can't message but have time to post on facebook and insta and now creating tiktoks too it's just a kick in the teeth no matter how much you say it's not personal, surely you can understand that? so just so i know, is that it with our friendship then?
Me: It’s not like I want it to be but I just don’t think I can be the friend you want me to be right now tbh. Im talking to no one daily but my mom, dad and ‘my partner’. My mom is literally keeping everyone updated for me outside of that. Im posting on socials so people can see him and update from me. I’m doing what I can to cope, the TikTok’s made me feel better. Seeing him how he used to be.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 25/08/2025 17:46

She’s awful. This is not what you need right now - awful to think that she cannot grasp that.

I’d tell your mum you do not want to hear anything more about her, in case her DM contacts your DM about this.

Sending very best wishes to you and your little boy.

BMW6 · 25/08/2025 17:46

She's an utter CUNT.

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 25/08/2025 17:47

Ooodelally · 25/08/2025 16:57

She is an unmitigated cunt and you are well rid of her, especially at such a difficult time. I wish you and your son all the best x

This, with bells on.

Hideous, main character behaviour. You are well rid, she is no friend.

Wishing you and your little one well, OP 💐

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 25/08/2025 17:49

So to summarise, your toddler has cancer and she’s complaining that you’re not paying her enough attention. Does she have many other friends? I only ask because I had (note the past tense) who was like this, though I never had such an extreme example of her behaviour. Ultimately you’re dealing with a family crisis and she’s making things worse. Good friends don’t do that. I’m willing to bet this isn’t the only time she’s behaved like this.

Zanatdy · 25/08/2025 17:49

Wow. Well she’s done you a massive favour by taking the trash out herself that’s for sure. What kind of friend is she?

LizzieSiddal · 25/08/2025 17:57

Your son has cancer and she’s annoyed because you aren’t updating her personally?

She sounds like a narcissist and you are much better off without her.x

Glindaa · 25/08/2025 18:00

A friend wouldn’t try to hurt you further while you’re hurting. Do not let her back in to your life. This is a deep betrayal that no apology can make up for.

MyOliveStork · 25/08/2025 18:05

This has to be the most insensitive thing I have read on MN for a while. I wouldn’t even block this woman, just completely ignore her. This is completely inappropriate and narcissistic behaviour.
When your child is this unwell or you are bereaved then you talk to who YOU need to talk to. Anyone putting you under pressure like this is just AWFUL in the most AWFUL way.
My first child passed away suddenly at the age of 14 months. Everyone was so supportive. If I needed to talk to them they were there. If I didn’t they kept a respectful distance but I knew they were there. Certain people were better at helping me through this awful time than others because they had some experience and could really help me come to terms with what had happened.
No one should be sending you messages like this at this time, and if your Mum asks why you aren’t friends with this woman anymore show her the messages you received. She would be appalled as well.
I send you much love, peace and understanding as I can. Seek out those who are truly there for you and move on from this ‘friendship’.
❤️

theresapossuminthekitchen · 25/08/2025 18:07

“so just so i know, is that it with our friendship then?”

She was clearly expecting you to grovel after her initial message. She thought she is so important to you that even the thought that you might lose her friendship would be devastating- she clearly lacks any empathy for your situation. Friends should be there when you really need them, in whatever way you need them… she’s shown who she is.

autienotnaughty · 25/08/2025 18:59

You are a better person than me. Hell would freeze before I would have responded.

millymae · 25/08/2025 19:03

Good Lord - I hope she’s on here and reads this. She should be ashamed.
The last sentence of Possums post above sums up my view exactly and your friends sense of entitlement beggars belief when your son is so poorly.
I really hope his treatment is going to plan and that you and the family are bearing up ok.
In your shoes I’d not give this friendship any more headspace.
I’m genuinely surprised that there are some on here that think your chosen ways of keeping those who might want to know how treatment is progressing informed are unreasonable.

ohyesiseethatnow · 25/08/2025 19:16

What an absolute gobshite.

Let her know if your son needs anything. Your son is 2! What could be possibly want or need from her! He just needs you!

She should be so embarrassed to have written that. I hope she sees this thread.

Pricelessadvice · 25/08/2025 19:20

You were far politer in your reply than I would have been!

Sending best wishes to your son x

disappointedconfused · 25/08/2025 20:50

I’m so sorry about your son and hope he gets better soon. I think the issue here is your tik tok and social media posting? Obviously we don’t have all of the information but presumably she is upset that rather than reply to her individually you make tik tok videos…..depends on the content of the videos I suppose? But in a vague way I sort of see where she is coming from if you don’t reply to her but then post on social media instead

Original poster
Okfig · 25/08/2025 20:57

disappointedconfused · 25/08/2025 20:50

I’m so sorry about your son and hope he gets better soon. I think the issue here is your tik tok and social media posting? Obviously we don’t have all of the information but presumably she is upset that rather than reply to her individually you make tik tok videos…..depends on the content of the videos I suppose? But in a vague way I sort of see where she is coming from if you don’t reply to her but then post on social media instead

Thank you for this response! I’ve wanted to try and see it from her side. I made one singular TikTok. I’ve not been updating People individually, I’ve been doing mass updates here and there on Facebook. I’ve not ignored one of her messages and she then just didn’t message me and it just slipped my mind to keep her updated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Okfig · 25/08/2025 20:57

disappointedconfused · 25/08/2025 20:50

I’m so sorry about your son and hope he gets better soon. I think the issue here is your tik tok and social media posting? Obviously we don’t have all of the information but presumably she is upset that rather than reply to her individually you make tik tok videos…..depends on the content of the videos I suppose? But in a vague way I sort of see where she is coming from if you don’t reply to her but then post on social media instead

Thank you for this response! I’ve wanted to try and see it from her side. I made one singular TikTok. I’ve not been updating People individually, I’ve been doing mass updates here and there on Facebook. I’ve not ignored one of her messages and she then just didn’t message me and it just slipped my mind to keep her updated.

OP posts:
LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 25/08/2025 20:58

disappointedconfused · 25/08/2025 20:50

I’m so sorry about your son and hope he gets better soon. I think the issue here is your tik tok and social media posting? Obviously we don’t have all of the information but presumably she is upset that rather than reply to her individually you make tik tok videos…..depends on the content of the videos I suppose? But in a vague way I sort of see where she is coming from if you don’t reply to her but then post on social media instead

Anyone with an ounce of sense, or compassion, would realise that posting a general video or post somewhere isn't the same as getting embroiled in conversation and dealing with someone else's emotions.

When op posts it's about her, when she speaks to this 'friend' it becomes about them (especially given the nature of this post where its clear the 'friend' feels put out due to not being the main character)

Many of us, myself included, find it much easier to speak to strangers and acquaintances when going through something this difficult, and a true friend would realise that.

Op is allowed to have an outlet for what she is going through without fear of someone taking it personally.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 25/08/2025 21:01

Off you pop cunty chops is all you need reply. Then block. Even on all sm.

Merryoldgoat · 25/08/2025 21:02

I’m so sorry your son is so unwell.

People like this have massive egos and want to be centre of attention - even (especially) at times like this.

I’m not known for my tact so I’d have told her to ‘just fuck off’ but your responses were fine and YANBU in any way.

SuperTrooper1111 · 25/08/2025 21:10

Blimey, I can't believe she's making your son's cancer all about her. I don't think she really wants updates either, she just wants bragging rights that she's getting individual responses from you compared to everyone else. She really is no friend, so don't waste any more emotions or thoughts on her while you're dealing with your son being ill and just block her.

I hope your DS is responding well to treatment. Flowers

Original poster
Okfig · 25/08/2025 21:20

Thank you everybody for the words of support. DS is doing well but we’re deep in the thick of it. I appreciate all the love ❤️

OP posts:
LoveSandbanks · 25/08/2025 21:25

Okfig · 25/08/2025 20:57

Thank you for this response! I’ve wanted to try and see it from her side. I made one singular TikTok. I’ve not been updating People individually, I’ve been doing mass updates here and there on Facebook. I’ve not ignored one of her messages and she then just didn’t message me and it just slipped my mind to keep her updated.

Show quote history

Absolutely nobody should have any expectations of you at the moment. You’ve barely got over the shock of his diagnosis. Updating the world on Facebook is completely understandable. She has absolutely no empathy or understanding. A decent human being would be there for you right now. If she was even halfway decent she’d swallow any issues she had with your behaviour right now to fix at a time when your son has fully recovered and your family has recovered from the trauma.

Id be tempted to put her post on bloody Facebook for the rest of the world to judge!

fthisfthatfeverything · 25/08/2025 21:37

She’s a selfish twat

edited to say
Im so sorry for u and your family and I hope everything works out for you all xx

farmlass · 25/08/2025 21:38

Sadly cancer can bring out the worst in some people.
Twice in my life I have seen things play out a bit like this .
Someone ill cut out half their friends who had supported them through their treatment and took up with some much more affluent friends
And other person completely ignored their friends cancer diagnosis and got very selfish
They were both odd situations .
No excuses for your friend at all just follow your own path . You are not responsible for other people’s reactions . Block and ignore and carry on coping the way you want to .

walker1211 · 25/08/2025 21:46

So sorry for you and your son. What a very difficult time for you and your family.

As others have said, this kind of behaviour from people does sometimes happen during crises. I imagine it’s some kind of stress reaction or a need to be involved, but it must be very challenging for you to deal with while also living through such a stressful time. I also think many of these people have no real understanding of the reality of what you’re going through.

When my daughter had a worrying period of ongoing ill health and was out of school for a long period of time, she sometimes felt up to calls with one friend who could make her laugh. But when another mum at school heard about this, she insisted that her daughter, who wasn’t even really friends with mine, should call her. She was annoyed when I declined the offer. It was just one example of the strange behaviours adults displayed during that time to both me and my daughter.

Sending hugs to you all.