Friendship ended after 20 years

[Okfig]

My 2 year old son has cancer and I received this..

Things you need to know to add context: My son was diagnosed with cancer July 2025, She has previously had a moan at me in regard to this situation however. Her mom and my mom are besties.

Messages went as follows..
Her: Hi, i feel like i've been updated about ‘your son’ through social media rather than you which we have spoke about but clearly it's easier for you to update everyone including your close friends that way rather than a message. i haven't wanted to pester you with loads of messages through this process even though i feel at the start i did send a lot but thought eventually thought id let you come to me as you're going through a lot rather than me bomb boarding you with messages. I will always be there for ‘your son’ so if he needs anything please do message me but i feel like our friendship has almost come to an end which is a shame but as much as you are going through a lot i just feel like we are on different paths so it is best to have this message so we kind of know we are on the same page. i will keep updated about ‘your son’ through mom so don't feel like you need to message me but yeah if he needs anything let me know. i just feel like this message was needed with all the sudden publicity about ‘your son’ and obvs i haven't responded to anything. we sent you money and presents as soon as we heard about ‘your son’ so hopefully you know that we do care but i just feel we would go around things differently hence the personal presents/gifts. You probs won't but like i said, if ‘your son’ needs anything please message. If you feel differently then please reach out but if not i won't feel offended to no response.
Me: Hey, it’s easier than a million different messages to people, so much happens day to day. It’s nothing personal, it just gets draining. I appreciate you haven’t wanted to message loads, I get that completely. I agree it’s a shame and it was never my intention to loose you as a friend. I know, and the gifts and money were really appreciated by us all. thank you for the love towards ‘my son,’ I’ll let you know if he needs anything.
Her: i just struggle to understand about messaging me when i was supposedly your "best friend" who you can't message but have time to post on facebook and insta and now creating tiktoks too it's just a kick in the teeth no matter how much you say it's not personal, surely you can understand that? so just so i know, is that it with our friendship then?
Me: It’s not like I want it to be but I just don’t think I can be the friend you want me to be right now tbh. Im talking to no one daily but my mom, dad and ‘my partner’. My mom is literally keeping everyone updated for me outside of that. Im posting on socials so people can see him and update from me. I’m doing what I can to cope, the TikTok’s made me feel better. Seeing him how he used to be.

One of my best friends is my mum’s friend’s daughter. If anything like that came up I’d show my mum or her mum so they could keep her away.

I can only imagine people voting yabu have either done it by mistake or think you're being unreasonable for caring about the loss of this friendship seeing as the friend is so awful.

It's unbelievable the way she is trying to emotionally manipulate you at a time like this. She's trying to pressure you into reassuring her of your friendship, like she wants you to chase her. Fuck no, absolutely not, you don't need a further drain on you like this.

It does sound like you've been bf because your dm's are. You dont understand her pount of view because its so selfish and unlike an expexted response. Don't dwell on it.

Even sending the message is weird. You dont answer to her. Assume you have someone to talk to to as part of the treatment for your son? Mention it, because it's eating away at you as a distraction you can ill afford.

Presumably your dm knows about the text, or the gist of it? Any hint of helping you make up or ' smoothing things over' should be met with short shrift.

Best wishes to you all

‘A twisted self absorbed cretin who’s jealous that she can’t be updated before everyone else to feed her own sense of importance.’

This absolutely nails it. What a horrible person.

I’m so sorry your son is ill OP, and I hope the treatment works well.

Oh my gosh, that’s a cold approach from her. How can some people make everything about them .. I guess you didn’t see this side of her before but now you have but that is an epic level of “what about me “.

I would also let your dm know and keep her updated

I clicked YABU in error. Sorry!🙈

Leave her to it. What a selfish dick she is. Sometimes, situations arise in life & they help clear out the shit friends for us.

Take care & all the best with everything x

I can understand that she feels hurt that you aren't turning to her, like she's not in the inner circle... but she needs to suck it up! Strap on the grown up big girl panties etc.

I can absolutely see how just updating everyone with SM posts, which you can post when you feel like and check the comments later when you feel like it, is significantly less draining than messaging someone where theres then an expectation of a conversation, that you may not have the mental room for in that moment.

YANBU, and she's a twat.

Those 9% would be thinking the most unbelievably stupid reasons just to be contrary.

Don't overthink this. She's a narc bitch without any sense of empathy or a minimum of understanding what you're going through.

I'm so sorry about your son, it's the nightmare no parent want ever to deal with. Keeping my fingers crossed he'll continue to do well.

OP she’s an utter grief vulture and you’re better off without her. Honestly, how dare she!
I am so so sorry to hear about your son, I just can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I am currently living with an early form of breast cancer - very treatable and yet the shock and stress of it keeps me awake at night. My head is all over the place and I’ve similarly used social media to share updates - it’s so, so much easier than sending long individual texts to people.
When friends have messaged me directly about it I will respond but when I have the headspace to do so, and they’ve all been completely fine with this too, even saying in messages ‘don’t feel you need to reply to this’ etc etc.
I’m dumbfounded by your friends messages and I hope you’re not feeling bad / guilty as you’re doing nothing wrong at all!

She’s being ridiculous, over sensitive and presents herself as lacking in emotional intelligence.
Prioritise your son. Sometimes it takes a crisis to learn who your real friends are.

Hi op yes i get that the friend has behaved appallingly and made everything about her which is very tough for you but is this the reason why you haven't reached out to her directly? Has she got form for this? I suppose on the other hand your friend may feel she has been demoted if you are not talking things through with her? If you mean a lot to her then that could be upsetting? But the behaviour was not okay. Sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else.

Firstly everything crossed for your son and you all. You are going through an unimaginably hard time and you need to devote what energy you have to your son, not to individually updating people. Your friend is being totally unreasonable.
Years ago a friend was in the same situation with her son and used Caringbridge to keep everyone updated. It worked really well. All the best to you all

I'm sorry for what you are going through with your poor son.
When my DS had an accident and was in hospital I just couldn't cope with messaging people. Apart from the fact when I left the hospital it was the early hours of the morning and there was no phone signal in ICU. My head was just focused on getting through the life stuff and getting back to hospital even if then I put the odd thing on FB to update people. I didn't even realise how draining messaging people was but I couldn't physically do it. My dad fell out with me similarly I didn't realise the onus was on me he could have travelled to the hospital and hours journey which he did once in 8 months of my ds being in hospital. Instead he preferred stabbing me in the back with his family. I didn't ignore people intentionally or constantly I was just drained and in shock.
I think your friend is being v unreasonable and unfair.
Good luck with everything you are going through don't let this selfishness drag you down you need positivity.

Don’t try to understand her POV. Trust the majority here. She is cruel and selfish. Never speak to her again and tell your mother not to update her about your son. Some people are vampires. Keep well away.

Oh goodness this is awful.
A similar ISH thing happened to me.
My 1 year old was in hospital for months with a life threatening issue.
A friend messaged me to say that her and my other friends from that social circle were fed up of my depressing chat and felt " I was doggedly determined to make my life as miserable as possible whilst doing nothing to improve it "
I was using our chat group as a release for all the stuff I was dealing with thinking they cared and would understand.
7 years later I don't give them a s come thought .
I hope your little boy makes a good recovery

Your 'friend' has zero emotional intelligence and zero empathy. She has shown you her true self.

How the fuck in her brain does she equate that because your DS has cancer then she needs personal updates as a priority?! FFS 😡🤯

I hope your DC is ok and wish them all the best

I suspect they hit the wrong button.

yanbu.

i wouldn’t have said I’d contact her if my son needs anything. She can F off.
She wanted you to reply, so she could say more awful things.

A grown woman being able to make your son’s illness about her!

Please delete her, and do not ask her for anything.

She’s horrific, you don’t need her in your life. This is a really hard way to find out that she doesn’t have your back but unfortunately you’re in a situation where you do get to find out who your friends are. I’m so sorry, keep doing what you need to do to get through the days.

What the flippity flappity fuck. I'm so sorry, OP. Sod her, focus on your family and your son, for whom I wish a full and fast recovery x

It sounds like she is jealous of the social media use and finding out last. She probably wants to let others know your story and look like she is involved hence the money etc. I am sorry your son is poorly. I had a long term friendship end over my child’s needs as my “professional” friend didn’t seem to believe and questioned everything. Life is calmer without toxic people.

2 points at play here: 1. Very selfish individual to not understand your true situation. 2. How she expresses herself! You have lost nothing here but learnt the lesson of not everyone is who you think they are. We only know what people are truly like when there is a unfortunate event at play. Then their true colours emerge. She thinks she is in command. Well, show her who is in command by focussing on your son and relying on your family. Get rid!

im so sorry to hear what you’re going through with your son. I really hope things go ok. You must be going through absolute hell.

I can’t l imagine anyone thinks you are being unreasonable - sometimes I misunderstand the vote for some reason. Or perhaps they think you’re unreasonable for dedicating any head space to your friend?? There is nothing unreasonable about your post at all. Quite the opposite.

she sounds like she is lacking empathy and I assume has never been through anything like this before and doesn’t have children?? At the very least, not able to empathise.

All the very, very best to you.

I haven't voted but I can understand your friend somehow (even though she should have shut her mouth due to the circumstances).

I think your friend loves you and wants to support you. She feels hurt that you're not leaning on her but instead posting on SM. It makes her feel irrelevant as she's not needed in this difficult time.

Having said that.. the fact that you're going through a major crisis should be the most important matter here- not how "important" friend feels. She's extremely immature and she lacks empathy so just ignore her. You need to be surrounded with love, not with people who feel hurt for not being main characters in your life. 💐

She's basically having a tantrum because your son battling cancer is getting your attention not her. Awful.

She clearly needs her ego stroking and your attention more than she cares about you or your son. 😡

Saying if son needs anything let me know - maybe what he needs is a mum whose friends have her back and who love and support her unconditionally while she's going through a terrible time?! What does she think he might need that she directly can provide?! Shiny gifts?! 🤦

Friends are meant to give you strength and support, not needy "me me me" tantrums.