Friendship ended after 20 years

[Okfig]

My 2 year old son has cancer and I received this..

Things you need to know to add context: My son was diagnosed with cancer July 2025, She has previously had a moan at me in regard to this situation however. Her mom and my mom are besties.

Messages went as follows..
Her: Hi, i feel like i've been updated about ‘your son’ through social media rather than you which we have spoke about but clearly it's easier for you to update everyone including your close friends that way rather than a message. i haven't wanted to pester you with loads of messages through this process even though i feel at the start i did send a lot but thought eventually thought id let you come to me as you're going through a lot rather than me bomb boarding you with messages. I will always be there for ‘your son’ so if he needs anything please do message me but i feel like our friendship has almost come to an end which is a shame but as much as you are going through a lot i just feel like we are on different paths so it is best to have this message so we kind of know we are on the same page. i will keep updated about ‘your son’ through mom so don't feel like you need to message me but yeah if he needs anything let me know. i just feel like this message was needed with all the sudden publicity about ‘your son’ and obvs i haven't responded to anything. we sent you money and presents as soon as we heard about ‘your son’ so hopefully you know that we do care but i just feel we would go around things differently hence the personal presents/gifts. You probs won't but like i said, if ‘your son’ needs anything please message. If you feel differently then please reach out but if not i won't feel offended to no response.
Me: Hey, it’s easier than a million different messages to people, so much happens day to day. It’s nothing personal, it just gets draining. I appreciate you haven’t wanted to message loads, I get that completely. I agree it’s a shame and it was never my intention to loose you as a friend. I know, and the gifts and money were really appreciated by us all. thank you for the love towards ‘my son,’ I’ll let you know if he needs anything.
Her: i just struggle to understand about messaging me when i was supposedly your "best friend" who you can't message but have time to post on facebook and insta and now creating tiktoks too it's just a kick in the teeth no matter how much you say it's not personal, surely you can understand that? so just so i know, is that it with our friendship then?
Me: It’s not like I want it to be but I just don’t think I can be the friend you want me to be right now tbh. Im talking to no one daily but my mom, dad and ‘my partner’. My mom is literally keeping everyone updated for me outside of that. Im posting on socials so people can see him and update from me. I’m doing what I can to cope, the TikTok’s made me feel better. Seeing him how he used to be.

So sorry for what you’re gping through

please lay off tik tok. Your baby isnt a social media subject . Allow him lrivo. You dont owe anyone a daily video diary

Allow him privacy

It may be that she's hurt because you aren't leaning on her, and she's told you the problem from the wrong angle. It's not that you are telling everyone at once so much as you aren't crying to her and leaning on her.
It sounds a bit passive aggressive but it also sounds like it comes from a place of deep hurt that she can't be there for you when she wants to be. She mentions often that if you need anything to please ask.

Fuck me I’ve read some threads on here but that wow. Your son has cancer and instead of being there for him the way a parent should she wants constant updates. Fuck that. I mean if it was my child then yes I’d update my parents, partner and best friend before social media but it wouldn’t be constant. . Has she been to visit, sent a care package , offered to help? Because I know when I had chemo my friend never once left my side when I needed something even if it was a text.

YANBU however you wanted to try and understand her why... she feels that as your 'best' friend you should be including her/ leaning on her as if she was family/ in your inner circle. Feeling wanted or needed makes her feel secure in your friendship.

You aren't including her in that inner circle and because she's hearing updates about your son at the same time/ in the same depth as other people and she is taking that as a rejection of her as a 'best' friend and because that triggers something in her she is flouncing off, either to avoid feeling the pain of feeling rejected or to try and get your attention/ reassurance.

I will give my opinion, for what it’s worth, and maybe play devil’s advocate a little.
If I had anything big & stressful going on in my life I have a couple of friends who I know would support me 100%. It would be them who I reached out to, I definitely wouldn’t be posting stuff online. I’m wondering if you are doing stuff online to raise awareness of your son’s condition in the hope of maybe helping another family in a similar situation, or do you have some fundraising happening?
SM would be the last thing on my mind if my child was sick, I feel like there’s more to this than you are saying - could you elaborate on why you are sharing online?
I can see why your friend is hurting, maybe sending the message wasn’t the best idea but she clearly thought she would be someone you would turn to for support but in reality you have put her to one side in favour of SM.
Clearly you’re doing what you feel is right, and none of us are in your shoes so really can’t judge on the basis of a post on here. I wish your son well and hope he makes a full recovery.

I’m guessing the people saying you are unreasonable are querying your social media use rather than saying the friend is being reasonable?

My DD was diagnosed 26 years ago, before social media etc. I remember trying and failing to find a pay phone to tell my parents. Basically DH and I were on our own and we coped as best we could. Updating friends and family was pointless really, what could they do? I’ve no idea if I would have used social media. I doubt it as my headspace was too full.

Forget her OP, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is your darling son, and any siblings he has. I wish you all the luck and the love in the world

I think sometimes people get confused with the buttons.

Im sure your friend wouldn’t see the story like this, not because it’s not true, but because in her world she truly is the centre of everything and she just cannot see that it’s possible for her to be a support (act) in this part of our life rather than a main character. She is the definition of selfish that even when it’s been explained to her she can’t see.

i imagine it went something like this … people ask her what’s going on and she only knows as much as they do… so she has to find some more drama to be the centre of … what a cow.

Jesus!

I'm sorry but you are well rid. That is toxic. what is with all the 'your son' ???

Dreadful behaviour. Who needs enemies with friends like that?

Think it would do her good to read this thread

I am so sorry for what you are going through OP

I’m so sorry about your soon and hope for a good recovery, what you are going through is very difficult and emotional. Where to even begin on your ‘friend’. So awful the way she has treated you and made this about herself- I wouldn’t have even replied to her message. Make sure your mum tells her mum exactly how she’s treated you and nothing else, I bet her mum will feel ashamed. Don’t dwell too much on it OP if you can, your focus is on your son only

Clearly, she's vile and ridiculous. That's a given. But, and it is the teeniest, tiniest 'but', I am not a social media user and would find the sharing of this kind of information via this medium a bit 'off'. I have some good friends but only a small few that I would want or need to be giving ongoing updates to. This I could do myself or 'assign ' someone to do. Maybe people like me - whose attitude you may feel free to disagree with - are the people who pressed the YABU button? I didn't BTW..

I am angry on your behalf OP. How dare she try and make this all about her. Tell her to sod off and focus on your DS and people who are supporting you. I hope he makes a good recovery.

Hmmm, narcissist tendencies much?

Sorry you're having to put up with this at such a worrying time already. Just to reassure you, you're not responsible for this nonsense.

They say you can choose your friends, and that being the case in think i know what I'd do.

I think ‘your son’ is the OPs edit where the former friend used his name

First off, I am so sorry that you are going through such an horrendous time with your son. We had a child who was life-threateningly ill, and it was the worst of times, so I empathise.

I voted you are unreasonable because my thought is, the LAST thing I would if my child had a cancer diagnosis, would be to post it all over social media. My opinion is that to do so is invading the child’s right to privacy. I would maybe set up a private WhatsApp group for family and close friends to give updates?

I also think your former friend is a bit selfish when, at this time, it would perhaps be wiser to keep quiet about her hurt. But the AIBU was not about her actions.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

From her side, I think she’s missing you, and hurt that social media seems to be more of a priority to you than her friendship. I think she’s hamfistedly trying to say that she misses you and doesn’t understand.

She’s not in the right.

But.

It’s hard to understand the reality of living with someone going through active cancer treatment unless you’ve done it. I’m currently doing it and the admin of it is so much more than i’d realised before.

Was she a good friend before this?

Wishing your son well x

I would go back with something a bit more harsh tbh and tell her not to make it about her. She sounds utterly awful.

Just when you think you’ve heard it all on Mumsnet, there’s this. Wow,

OP, I’m thinking of your son and hope he will be well very soon.

Frirnds don’t make awful situations like this all about them. How selfish of her.

Last year, we had a family crisis. My mil was in another country when her brother fell seriously ill (where brother lives). A 10 day holiday turned into 4 months of hell. My dh went out to help his mum and the one thing she was desperate for him to do was take over the messages.

Keeping track of who she'd replied to, finding new words and ways to say nothing has changed, or a slight improvement, or a down turn and physically typing out messages was the one thing she couldn't seem to face. And she'd already set up WhatsApp groups to make it all easier!

So I totally understand how this part of a crisis is actually one of the harder to manage elements.

Your friend thinks shes owed personal updates because she sent you money and presents. It was her way of ensuring she was top of the pecking order and you ignored it! That's why she's cross. Petty, transactional and unhinged spring to mind. You owe her nothing. A good friend would keep being your friend in discreet and helpful ways. This is the opposite.

I hope your son is going to be OK. And I hope you're managing as best you can under the circumstances. Tough times.

She seems a bit immature, sorry you have to deal with this on top of your son being so unwell. She sounds like the type who wants to be in the know so she can talk about it to others. A grief vulture as someone further up described. I'd let the friendship slide and concentrate on your son . Maybe she will cop on and see how immature she's coming across. I had one of these in my life at a time something awful was happening, another acquaintance repeated something I had told her but with a twist to make it sound worse, that was the last time I trusted her, she's out of my life now

You defintely find out who your friends truely are in a crisis.She isn't one.
Possibly she can't deal with really sad uncomfortable situations, but there is really no excuse because you don't see her a lot she doesn't have to live seeing your son with cancer.
She's a horrible person and sorry that you had this happen to you when you needed a friend.

Firstly, I am so sorry about your son! Giving you all my best regards and love and strength!

your friend has basically seen this happen and thought “how can I make this about me”. You are well out the friendship. It isn’t a friendship you need. True friends will realise that you need the silence and be there when you reach out. As for the TikTok’s and social media posts, everyone has a different coping mechanism. If this is what you need, don’t take her judgment on it. You need your release in some way too.

honestly, sending you all so much love x

I can't believe someone would be so tone deaf as to make a situation like this about them. I'd say you're best off out of the friendship anyway! Hope your all doing as well as you can be in this situation.

“So let me get this straight. My little boy has cancer and we are going through the worst hell imaginable and you are throwing a tantrum and threatening to end our friendship because I am not updating you personally? You may not like the social media posts but I need to do what is quickest and easiest for me right now as so much is happening and we are in such turmoil and terror. Making this all about you is frankly despicable. Never contact me again.” Aaaand block.

My thoughts, prayers, love and best wishes to you for the swiftest and fullest recovery of your little boy. 💐

Only read the OP but bloody hell, what a mish mash of mixed messages and 'me me me' nonsense. Your replies are admirably measured but I wouldn't carry on with them or reach out to her for any further support. I'm sorry to hear about your son and wish you well.