To let this friendship drift?

[Rosebold]

I have been close to my friend since secondary school, we went though university together, travelled together, moved to London for a while together and in the past she felt like a soul mate. However in the past five years I've had two children, been at home with them, went to back to work and am now a very busy working mother. My friend on the other hand is married but childfree, her husband is a high earner and she hasn't had a job since she's been with him, she does work at something creative but its not something she makes a living from. Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

It's not that I think she's wrong or that I don't like her anymore, she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time. It's more that we were once so close and on the same page with everything but now we feel very far apart. She's sympathetic to the pressures I am under but she hasn't been there herself and I just feel more seen and understood with women who have more similar lives to me these days, with kids and careers.

Its also more difficult because if we meet up if I bring my kids or even one of them it limits where we go or the kids get bored and act up unlike if I meet other Mum friends we can go to the park or some other activity and our kids will play together while we chat and get coffee. It's getting to the point where if I see a message from her I am feeling a bit agitated at the pressure I feel under and I procrastinate over getting back to her and I am seeing her less and less.

I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection but at the moment with such little free time I just prefer to share it with people who really get me and know what my life is like, it that so unreasonable?

Perfectly reasonable. You’re at different stages in life. Maintain the friendship, but take a backseat.

You sound a bit……judgemental? Superior?

and you don’t have to go everywhere with your kids all the time.

I don't mean to its just that I really can't relate to her way of life at the moment and she can't really relate to mine. I think if we had been more superficial friends it might not be so jarring but as we were once so close it now feels strange.

No she doesn't.

I don’t love your use of the phrase “once she matures more”. Does maturity depend on having children? If she doesn’t ever have children will you never deem her mature enough to spend time with?

I did cringe at the comment 'as she matures more'. It's as though you only see women as having value once they are a Mummy like you.

She sounds like she has an interesting fulfilling life and is lucky enough to have the money and freedom to do as she likes.

Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

does sounds a bit judgemental to me

@Alltheyellowbirds It doesn't depend on having kids but she's in her mid 30's and her day is half taken up with her skincare routine and yoga and making smoothies and reading some hip literary fiction. Its a life I'd have loved at 22 but at 36 it seems kind of self indulgent to me.

Also what she does privately is up to her but if that's all you have to talk about it just feels kind of immature on some level.

Yes, she does.

Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

She's not stuck at any age, nor has she avoided "growing up into something more adult", she's just taken a different path to you - possibly not even through choice (and don't assume you know).

Not having children and filling your life with hobbies, art and literature is not immature and its narrow-minded of you to draw a judgement that it is.

I think letting the friendship drift will probably really hurt her but given your judgement of her & her life, it might be better for her in the long run than to stick with a friend who thinks so meanly of her life.

You know people do want different types of lives - it doesn't make her immature to want a creative life without children. It sounds as though she's been a good friend who wants to keep in touch. Isn't there any way you can see her on your own? Make sure you're not one of those women who has to bring her children to every single thing - you only have to look at the threads here to know that irritates people.

Sounds a lovely life to me, if I could afford not to go to work I’d love to spend my days doing yoga and reading. And I’m old and definitely “mature”!

I feel like you might actually be a bit jealous that she has time to spend on herself and still looks 25. Might there be a hint of truth to that? Would be understandable if so when you’re running round after kids, but I wouldn’t let it ruin a close friendship.

You sound a bit jealous .. she’s an interesting carefree life and you justify ditching her based on she’s immature and shallow when it’s probably more that you can’t stomach it. Beware though .. often mum friends don’t last beyond the kids friendships .. the oldest friends you have are the most likely to show up for you when you need them

the oldest friends you have are the most likely to show up for you when you need them

And she sounds like she's been a true friend to the op, by the op's own admission.

Imagine dumping such a great friend because they're not a mother...wow.

@Alltheyellowbirds I'm not envious of her because I am where I want to be. It is a tedious at times to be talking about led masks and serums when none of that is going to do the trick for me at this point and I don't have time for it anyway but that's not why I feel myself pulling away.

I'm another one who cringed at as she matures more
You sound incredibly patronising tbh

What would more mature look like to you, assuming she never has kids? Volunteering? Doing further educational qualification? Nursing a sick relative?

You can pull back from a friendship for whatever reason you like, but your post does come across as you thinking you are a 'proper" adult because you have children, and she doesn't. Your friend may well pick up on that, and she may not want to revive the friendship when you're ready to.

You sound small minded, judgemental and jealous. Do her a favour and remove yourself from her life.

The mums I know all talk about that stuff too… the two are not mutually exclusive!

Just like the mums I’m friends with also enjoy yoga and art and smoothies and reading books, just like your child-free friend.

Honestly, the issue seems to be that you can't talk about anything that isn’t related to your children…

Well she has a Masters degree so she is well educated but I think even if she did have a proper career or she did volunteering. She did do some at one point but it was a bad set up on the part of the charity she volunteered with and so she stopped and for some reason she never go back into it.

Does nobody else feel that if you are just leading a fairly self indulgent life past a certain age that its kind of inevitable that people are going to lose respect for you to some extent? There is a post on here at the moment about men who give up on life living in their parents homes and never achieving anything and sure my friend is married but if a man just lived off a woman, spent his time working on his body or reading and writing poetry, what would women here think of that?

The thing is friendships change and you either care enough to embrace that change and find a new way to be friends or you let it go. I have a friend who has never had children and had time for many things I did not but i used to meet her without my dc, enjoy hearing about her life and she did the same with me. It takes effort on both sides to keep it alive and you both have to want to do so.

@Alltheyellowbirds I don't just talk about my kids, I have older parents I look after, a very demanding career, a husband and a social life. I have a busy, full but rounded life.

You call her life self-indulgent, but you have chosen to indulge your own wants in your life, right? You wanted a child, you indulged yourself. She sounds like she's living a full life that she enjoys, and for some reason you've "lost respect" for her.
It's normal for friendships to drift when one is in the trenches of the child-rearing years, but that part of life is soon over and usually it's easy to reconnect. But in this case, you're being so judgmental and unkind in your thoughts about your friend, so I don't know. Maybe you can stick to the friends whose lives you think are worthy of your time, and she can hopefully find new friends that actually like her.

I think that this sounds a bit judgemental:

'I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection'

Is the social life just with other mumsthen?

Im not meaning to have a go, but your post did come across that you felt you were more worthy than her because you’d had kids, and that there was no point being friends with her anymore because she doesn’t measure up to you anymore.

I don’t have children and I would be heartbroken if any of my friends who do were discussing me in this way. We still have lovely friendships, they wouldn’t dream of ditching me just because I hadn’t managed to have a sprog.

You mentioned you thought she would change as she 'matures'. Do you find her immature because she's childfree?