To let this friendship drift?

[Rosebold]

I have been close to my friend since secondary school, we went though university together, travelled together, moved to London for a while together and in the past she felt like a soul mate. However in the past five years I've had two children, been at home with them, went to back to work and am now a very busy working mother. My friend on the other hand is married but childfree, her husband is a high earner and she hasn't had a job since she's been with him, she does work at something creative but its not something she makes a living from. Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

It's not that I think she's wrong or that I don't like her anymore, she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time. It's more that we were once so close and on the same page with everything but now we feel very far apart. She's sympathetic to the pressures I am under but she hasn't been there herself and I just feel more seen and understood with women who have more similar lives to me these days, with kids and careers.

Its also more difficult because if we meet up if I bring my kids or even one of them it limits where we go or the kids get bored and act up unlike if I meet other Mum friends we can go to the park or some other activity and our kids will play together while we chat and get coffee. It's getting to the point where if I see a message from her I am feeling a bit agitated at the pressure I feel under and I procrastinate over getting back to her and I am seeing her less and less.

I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection but at the moment with such little free time I just prefer to share it with people who really get me and know what my life is like, it that so unreasonable?

she does

like everything her friend is doing, or cares about absolutely pales into insignificance because she's not a mother, so its just immature kid stuff.

different life stages I get, but the OP is full of unnecessary barbs.

EDIT: Just read all OPs posts, OP your tone is wildly offensive. You're essentially saying a childfree life lacks any kind of meaning or purpose, whether you mean to or not. You also sound jealous of her.

Well, you started out sounding envious.
Became more and more judgemental as the thread unfolded.
And now just bitter and sanctimonious.

Meet up without your DC. I am older than you and enjoy being without my DC.

I have a good job, I enjoy and have earned more than my other half most of our married life. My job and salary do not define me. My success is my relationship, DC, family and friendships. That's what life is all about.

Having children is indulgent and meets a selfish need. I wish I could have stayed home with them. I went back after short maternity leave.

I could very easily fill my days if I didn't have DC or a job.

Your friend will not get a full state payment unless they contribute to NI.

Let your friend go. You don't seems to like her very much.

Maybe you prefer your friends to be in the same season of life and making the same choices as you.

Yes, I was going to say this.

I think this is what friendship is about. When my children were young I was friends with the antenatal mums. When I got divorced the single mums. When I started getting fitter the mums that liked to exercise.
we gravitate towards people with common interests
who are at the same stage in life as us.
Youve been good friends. I would probably try and see her on her own every once in a while but don’t feel guilty that this friendship is taking a back seat for now.

😂 in a nutshell.

Something about that makes me sad. I think real friendships go deeper than that.

Funny how so many just focus on her being childfree which is part of it and not on the fact that she doesn't work or volunteer or use her education. Fine if you do think that a person has no responsibility to contribute in someway to society through work, paying into the system, through having kids or looking after others in some way even though volunteering. I think in reality many people would be a lot more critical of someone with this lifestyle than they admit to. I've seen on here before women torn to shreds if they say they don't work and live off their husbands. Many posters saying how they would prefer to contribute to society in some way, that they would get bored or that they couldn't respect themselves if they had given up their independence to rely on a man.

But surely people have different interests and talk about that anyway? Even if I did have time, face masks would not interest me but I would still listen if it interested my friend...

The women who are torn asunder for not working are generally those who have children and are not married so have no rights to any assets in their partner's name if they split up.

I thought you were completely judgemental on everything to do with her life, not just the face she is childfree. She is contributing to society by paying taxes (VAT on what she spends). It also sounds like she is contributing to her friends' lives but you don't appreciate it ("she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time"). So she's a kind person who puts herself out for others. That's more than can be said for a lot of people who have jobs/children etc.

There isn't just one way to live life and your choices are no more valid than hers. She sounds like she brings more positivity to others' lives than you do. Obviously I could be wrong and you may be wonderfully kind and giving in real life but it doesn't sound like it from your posts on this topic.

I wonder if she is on here saying my oldest friend has become boring as she has got older and always has to bring her kids with her when we meet up? I doubt it. It sounds like she has embraced your lifestyle choices but you don't want to do the same for her. A good friend would not be talking about someone like you do about her. By all means pull away because you are not the sort of friend it sounds like she deserves.

But you have such a transactional view of contributing to society. What if she contributes by spreading love and joy to those around her? What if she is a wonderful friend, a loving partner, a thoughtful neighbour? What if her contribution is writing beautiful poetry?

You are so blinkered in your view of the world and so shallow in how you value people. I think you are the one who has the maturing to do.

Not to mention you have no idea what she may or may not do achieve in the future.

So I ask again.

What is the point of this thread?

You clearly think your 'friend' is a vacuous dollybird. You aren't looking for advice on whether or not to continue the 'friendship'. You just want to let us all know how superior you are because you reproduced and work in some dull job.

What is it that you want of us here?

So, do I judge anyone for living a life they choose if it doesn't effect me? No. So the question is why does it press you so much? You say about not paying taxes, sure. But she's not claiming any benefit that you mention and appears to live within the means on her household. Good for her.

It does sadden me though, as I live a similar life. Though I do work I have a lot of days off due to how my hours work. I read. Catch up on TV. Go on a daily walk. Indulge in my hobbies. Does that mean my life has less meaning than yours as I haven't chosen to assist in the population of society?

I can't quite tell if you think you are better than her because you have kids, or whether it's because of your big important job.

But either way, I don't think these are great ways to judge people. There are many ways to be a good person. She sounds thoughtful and kind, from the way you describe her. Perhaps that is how she makes a positive difference in the world.

Having a child is actually one of the most selfish things you can do, in terms of your impact on the planet (and yes I have one myself - but that doesn't blind me to this fact). And the vast majority of jobs people have don't particularly further social justice or do any good, most people are just cogs in the big capitalist machine.....

So I don't think you have any right to judge her or look down on her, based on the info you have given here. I do, however, think you have a right to step away from the friendship if you no longer feel you have much in common, and if that's important to you in friendships. (Personally I find some friendships thrive on difference actually. But your perspective is certainly valid).

But your post could have just read "my old friend and I have very different interests - she likes books and skincare and I don't - is it ok to distance myself from her?". To which I think most people would say, yes, if you no longer enjoy her company. It didn't need the jthinpy belief udgemental undertone or jibes about maturity.

Your comments have made me laugh op.

You had children because you wanted to not to help society. So did I and so do most parents so cut out the I'm so noble comments.

This poor friend who probably sings your praises saying you are a good mother, holding down a job etc. And here you are just slagging her off. Having read more of your comments you are just a snob. I pray to god your children end up "contributing to society" but I think they will never live up to your standards. In fact, they will probably end up rebelling!

the majority of people cost the system far more than you pay in unless they are very high earners.

What makes you think her education is wasted? Surely you are not someone who thinks of education merely as a means to get a job? Education shapes us and how we interact with the world. Is she a hermit in a cave? Every interaction she has is shaped by everything she has done and does including her education.

you struggle with people living a different life to you.

She does use her education, she's just not using it in the way you think she ought to

She sounds lovely and accommodating. Your friendship will probably deepen again once your kids are older and you’re less taken up by them.
You do sound as if you think you’re more mature than her though and it’s strange you mention she still looks very young. You do sound both slightly envious and a bit judgemental of her lifestyle. Her lifestyle sounds lovely to be honest.

Do what you wish but I think it’s strange when people distance themselves from lovely friends just because they live differently. I actually think it would nice to have a friend without kids to sit and talk about skin care, books, creative stuff, films ect. All my friends have kids (they’re all lovely) and we do but the chat inevitably leads back to our wee ones, maybe just take the break occasionally.

Oh the OP IS unreasonable. Not for her life choices, they like the friend’s choices are fine, but for her unfathomable dislike of her ‘friend’ for the choices she made and need she has to find and broadcast what she perceives are faults.

I don't understand what you want from this thread. You've made it clear from your OP and subsequent comments that you don't approve of her lifestyle because you don't deem it a worthy existence. Despite the fact that, from your own OP, she seems supportive and willing to adapt to you because you are the one juggling raising a family and working. Meanwhile you want to only be friends with people doing the same things as you. So leave this poor woman alone and go pursue your friendships with other mums. Don't keep wasting her time and energy to work around you.

Most of us know people like this. Some people in here are people like this.

You have managed to create a post where you are almost exclusively being derided by everyone. Almost everyone else on here thinks you sound awful

WTF she sounds interesting and cool! I’d much rather talk about literature than what my toddlers up to tbh. I massively value my child free friends, people with kids are immensely dull (myself included). I certainly don’t consider them “immature”. You sound vvvvv superior just because you happened to procreate: