To let this friendship drift?

[Rosebold]

I have been close to my friend since secondary school, we went though university together, travelled together, moved to London for a while together and in the past she felt like a soul mate. However in the past five years I've had two children, been at home with them, went to back to work and am now a very busy working mother. My friend on the other hand is married but childfree, her husband is a high earner and she hasn't had a job since she's been with him, she does work at something creative but its not something she makes a living from. Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

It's not that I think she's wrong or that I don't like her anymore, she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time. It's more that we were once so close and on the same page with everything but now we feel very far apart. She's sympathetic to the pressures I am under but she hasn't been there herself and I just feel more seen and understood with women who have more similar lives to me these days, with kids and careers.

Its also more difficult because if we meet up if I bring my kids or even one of them it limits where we go or the kids get bored and act up unlike if I meet other Mum friends we can go to the park or some other activity and our kids will play together while we chat and get coffee. It's getting to the point where if I see a message from her I am feeling a bit agitated at the pressure I feel under and I procrastinate over getting back to her and I am seeing her less and less.

I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection but at the moment with such little free time I just prefer to share it with people who really get me and know what my life is like, it that so unreasonable?

Why do you have to take your kids when you see her anyway? I always kept my friendships going with my child free friends even after having kids myself. Can't bear women who just become an extension of their children.

Wouldn't you regret losing this friendship though? You've been friends since secondary school. You have so many mutual memories and experiences.

I am in my late thirties, I don't have children.

My friends who are parents still want to be friends with me. They don't think I'm immature.

I am a good friend. They like me for who I am.

This is such a disappointing thing to read. I was that 'friend' of yours for a long time, albeit with a job. I fully supported my friends with kids, changed my plans to include their kids when needed and went out of my way to listen to their (frankly) boring conversation about their kids. Attended parties, went to the park blah blah blah.

I do now have a kid but what if I didn't? She sounds like a lovely, supportive friend. She makes time for you and your kids, listens to you and lends a supportive ear but because you deem her not mature enough you think she should be ditched? Did she ditch you when you speak about your kids and your life (which lets be real - is usually dull as dishwater chatter to anyone but the person it involves). No she didn't.

You don't sound kind and frankly I hope she moves on and when she does, you realise how fickle a lot of these school mums friendships are.

You and she both have "self indulgent" lifestyles. Being into beauty and hobbies is not more selfish than having children. You choose the things you want in life (and have the option to choose). To you that's mostly having a career and motherhood and to her it's self-care and hobbies. Neither is more or less self indulgent than the other.

Why are you judging her choices just because they are not the same as yours? You are not better than her just because you chose a more traditional life path. She is, however, better than you for being a true friend, rather than a shallow know-it-all.

Why are you comparing her to men on a thread who haven't achieved anything? You said yourself she has a masters, so she has achieved something. It might not be something you value, but that does not make it a non-achievement. You sound incredibly judgemental of her and her life, and yes, you probably should let the friendship drift, but for her sake, not yours.

@GreyPearlSatin I did choose to have children that is true but being a parent is about looking after someone other than myself and raising children is a contribution to society as they grow up and contribute to society themselves in various ways. In my job I contribute because my career is actively engaged in helping other people. I also am a tax payer as opposed to being economically inactive so while it's my choice it isn't self indulgent in the sense that it only benefits me.

“As she matures more…” 🙄

Oh she’d be quite well rid of a friend like you.

it seems kind of self indulgent to me.

What is so 'self-indulgent' about her life? She's not depriving anyone of anything, is she?

You could argue that choosing to reproduce is pretty self-indulgent.

This.
Let her go, bet she dosent know your posting about her.
Once you start running her down it's over.
Are you jealous she dosent need to work to earn money?

its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

But she is an adult. She's just choosing to do adulthood differently to you. Adulthood isn't defined by having children or a particular kind of job. You're just being made insecure by the fact that she's made different choices to you. I used to get the same when I was childfree, because my life looked easy and attractive to people who had children. But no one had made them have them.

Having children isn't a stage in maturation.

Getting an education isn't of much use if you aren't channelling it into something that helps others in some way or making a contribution through work and paying in to the system otherwise you are just taking.

You look after the children you chose to have. It's your duty as a parent, since your children had no say in being born. This does not make you special or more mature and I shudder to think what kind of role model this makes you as a parent.

I am not even going to bother to respond to the rest of your comment, except to say that you are a grade-A snob and your friend would be better of without you.

Dear god! Don’t do her any favours. I think you answered your own question when you said you feel agitated when she messages you. I would hate to feel I was viewed in that way by any “friend”.

Seriously, what is the point of this thread?

You seem to have something close to contempt for your 'friend' and have created this thread just to have a go at her. Best you leave your 'friendship' be at this stage. I'm sure she'll find other friends who respect her for who she is.

I feel like I am being piled on by childfree women and this post was never meant to belittle that choice. The issue is if you grow up with brains, talent, and education, beauty and then just keep it all to yourself and do nothing with it.

"It's not that I think she's wrong or that I don't like her anymore..."

"...as opposed to growing up into something more adult."

Well if that is what your superior grown up self thinks of your friend, you'll be doing her a favour by letting her find some real friends.

"I have a busy, full but rounded life."

"she does work at something creative but its not something she makes a living from. Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. "

Sounds to me like her life is much like mine - feel it is perfectly full and rounded thank you. You think she should have a "proper career". Why? What would be a "proper career" in your estimation?

You are sounding like an unbearable snob. Her life is different than yours, and if that doesn't work for you, then have the decency to tell her that and end it - not to act like you will do her the favour of hanging around until she "grows up" and gets to be like you.

Of course she does.

"Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult."

and

"I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection"

couldn't be read as anything other than judgemental.

OP - perfectly reasonable to let the friendship fade as you are obviously in different places in your lives. However, her life is no less adult than yours.

ETA: I spotted your post re being piled on by childfree women. I'm not childfree. I have 3 children and think your attitude is a bit superior and judgemental.

Your every word belittles it - and not everyone chooses childfree either.

This is an absolutely horrible way to measure worth. I'd be doing a lot of naval-gazing if I were you OP, because one day, one of your children may decide not to work, or they may decide not to have children, they may decide to write poetry and do yoga, and you're going to really struggle with your judgements then.

That is the biggest load of nonsense I've ever heard. She did not get her masters for free, for a start. You said yourself she is married to a high earner, so presumably she's not claiming benefits, and any 'taking' she's doing is solely from him, which presumably he is happy with, and therefore it's absolutely none of your business to sit there and judge. I double down on my position, she really is a lot better off without a nasty, judgemental woman sat up there on her high horse passing judgement on her for 'not contributing'.

You sound absolutely horrible, as jealous as sin and your “friend” (with friends like you who needs enemies?!) would be far better off without you.

but being a parent is about looking after someone other than myself and raising children is a contribution to society as they grow up and contribute to society themselves in various ways. In my job I contribute because my career is actively engaged in helping other people. I also am a tax payer as opposed to being economically inactive so while it's my choice it isn't self indulgent in the sense that it only benefits me.

Oh, well polish your halo! 😂

She isn't economically inactive - one doesn't need a job to participate in, or contribute to, the economy. With a disposable income of the type you've suggested, she might even contribute more than you do.

Sounds like she does a lot of caring for her friends to - maybe she doesn't wipe your bottoms or encourage you to eat your peas, but she's certainly been a huge emotional and practical support to you. If she's done so for you, I'd place money on her having done so for others.

In a healthy relationship you also care for your partner.

You are coming across worse & worse in this thread, maybe time to stop digging.

But she still exercises her brains, she's reading books! She is still talented, she writes poetry! She is getting the benefit of her education because she has interests and hobbies and is enjoying her nice life, and further than that, she is showing you empathy and kindness by being sensitive to your life choices. And don't get me started on the "beauty"- what exactly has that got to do with anyone?!

Yes, definitely let this friendship drift, thus giving her more time to spend with people who like, value and respect her (which you clearly don't).