To let this friendship drift?

[Rosebold]

I have been close to my friend since secondary school, we went though university together, travelled together, moved to London for a while together and in the past she felt like a soul mate. However in the past five years I've had two children, been at home with them, went to back to work and am now a very busy working mother. My friend on the other hand is married but childfree, her husband is a high earner and she hasn't had a job since she's been with him, she does work at something creative but its not something she makes a living from. Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

It's not that I think she's wrong or that I don't like her anymore, she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time. It's more that we were once so close and on the same page with everything but now we feel very far apart. She's sympathetic to the pressures I am under but she hasn't been there herself and I just feel more seen and understood with women who have more similar lives to me these days, with kids and careers.

Its also more difficult because if we meet up if I bring my kids or even one of them it limits where we go or the kids get bored and act up unlike if I meet other Mum friends we can go to the park or some other activity and our kids will play together while we chat and get coffee. It's getting to the point where if I see a message from her I am feeling a bit agitated at the pressure I feel under and I procrastinate over getting back to her and I am seeing her less and less.

I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection but at the moment with such little free time I just prefer to share it with people who really get me and know what my life is like, it that so unreasonable?

I don't know. There are an awful lot of over-sharers out there, very happy to shove their endless 'talents' (or offspring 😜 ) in people's faces. All hail the circumspect, the prudent, the discreet, the measured!

I'm a grandmother, so hardly childfree!

And why do you take kids with you when you meet?

"keep it all to yourself" what on earth is this supposed to mean? She, along with all of us, don't owe anyone anything! Is the opposite that you have been generous and selfless by sharing your excellent genes by procreating? Absolutely bizarre attitude.

Oh OP. You’ve got a fair bit of maturing to do yourself. Try and stay friends and not resent her, you’re in danger of getting entrenched in a very narrow, self-satisfied viewpoint.

Sounds absolutely amazing to me and I’m 43!

@AmoozzBoosh In that comment I wasn't talking just about having kids, although everyone else seems obsessed with that angle. Its that she doesn't share it though her work or in anyway, she just amuses herself.

I think I can speak on behalf of a lot of mums on Mumsnet when I say that, despite loving our children to the very depths of our souls, we are all a bit envious of the life your friend leads! And you’re in denial by thinking you’re not envious of it either, which is the root cause of your discontent.

p.s. I’m also in the camp of agreeing you sound very judgmental and superior.

Who do you think is going to be paying for your pension and healthcare when you retire? The money you contribute to NI isn't saved in a pot for you, it's paid by people of working age when you are retired. People not having enough children is already causing issues and its only set to get worse.

Number of pensioners set to soar and put huge pressure on working population - IFA Magazine

You’re not being unreasonable cuz she probably thinks you’re a bore now lol

But you say she did a masters, writes poetry, has creative projects, reads literature and practises yoga. She’s not spending her day watching reruns of Jeremy Kyle.

She sounds intelligent, artistic, and free-spirited, and from what you’ve said is also a great friend. In contrast you come across as judgmental, narrow-minded, mean-spirited and frankly quite dull.

I know which of the two of you I’d like to hang out with.

Maybe when you stop being so childish the friendship will recover. Real best friends are ones that see each other, who understand the full context of each comment or snipe, but most of all who unreservedly have each others backs, despite of differing paths and lifestyles. If I were your friend, I’d stop reaching out and cross my fingers that you grow out whatever phase you are in. OP, you are a bellend, who lacks empathy.

in time as she matures more

Yeah, this was the bit where you got a massive mental 'fuck you' from me.

She is immature? Or perhaps you are self centered? People with newish families are often extremely narcissistic in my opinion, its just dressed up as being good parents, but really its an excuse to talk and focus on yourself.

Let it drift. Shes better off without someone so superior and judgmental in her life.

There's nothing immature about having bucked a societal pressure to have children in favour of living a life she's clearly happy with. I'm surprised she wants to be friends with you, never mind the other way round - your judgement of her (lovely sounding!) life is so obvious. Are you jealous she still looks 25? ;)

(From a mid-30s woman who has no kids, an expensive skincare routine and who is sitting in the garden reading some 'hip literary fiction' right now and very glad about it...! If my friends were ever to be quite as obvious as you are that they thought I needed to be 'more adult' I'd drop them immediately.)

This 100%. If I had a quid for every boring and narcissistic, child-based story I’ve been told, I’d have a palace in Chelsea & Westminster, a driver, cook and nanny.

Oh, and literally no-one has children with the thought 'I will contribute to the future of society'! They do it because THEY want to become parents. There is nothing unselfish about that choice. Being a good parent, yes. Becoming a parent, no.

You think she hasn’t grown up and still looks 25 and needs to mature.
Oh dear. I agree. End this friendship. She will be far better off without you.

Never the less people with children are actually contributing to the future of society in a very material way that those without children do not. There is even talk of introducing tax breaks for those with children or increase taxes for those who do not on this very basis in various think tanks in London. You may not appreciate that and it may not happen but it is very much part of the discussion.

Only have friends who look old and knackered, it’s much more grown up.

Two points.

Firstly, as @Hotflushesandchilblains said above, nobody has children to 'contribute to society'. They do so to indulge a personal desire. Self-indulgent, as you might be inclined to put it yourself.

Secondly, when deciding to reproduce, you have no idea if the resulting child is going to grow up to 'contribute to society'. They could be a net drain on society in all sorts of ways and for all sorts of reasons.

But go ahead and congratulate yourself for making babies nobody asked for.

The answer is me and my savings!

Beyond that, how many “pensioners” am I currently paying for, or have paid for to date? Surely I don’t need to be indebted in the future, given my sacrifices now?

@ChangingWeight So you plan to refuse any state payments then?

Should we tax the childless?

Am I the only one starting to wonder if this 'friend' actually exists?

Or if this thread is just a sly way to have a go at childfree women?

Come on. She has called her ‘friend’ immature and having not grown up because she hasn’t had dcs and has chosen not to work and bizarrely says she even looks 25 as if that’s some sort of insult.

truth is they just have very different lives now but that doesn’t need to be acknowledged by judgemental criticisms. The friend could equally say the OP has become very frumpy, has lost all sense of self outside of parenthood has no ability to talk about anything beyond her dc. She’s aged terribly and become incredibly boring. But then would be unnecessary.

all that needed to get said was that they lived very different lives now and had little in common

People obv hate to admit it but having kids does mature you more than not having them. You learn how to be selfless, a patience you can't comprehend. You are at different stages of life and can't relate to each other. Don't get the hate you're getting at all OP. Oh wait this is MN

@IcedPurple Not at all, Childfree isn't my problem its being both childfree, not working, not volunteering not doing anything of use to anyone but yourself.