To let this friendship drift?

[Rosebold]

I have been close to my friend since secondary school, we went though university together, travelled together, moved to London for a while together and in the past she felt like a soul mate. However in the past five years I've had two children, been at home with them, went to back to work and am now a very busy working mother. My friend on the other hand is married but childfree, her husband is a high earner and she hasn't had a job since she's been with him, she does work at something creative but its not something she makes a living from. Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

It's not that I think she's wrong or that I don't like her anymore, she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time. It's more that we were once so close and on the same page with everything but now we feel very far apart. She's sympathetic to the pressures I am under but she hasn't been there herself and I just feel more seen and understood with women who have more similar lives to me these days, with kids and careers.

Its also more difficult because if we meet up if I bring my kids or even one of them it limits where we go or the kids get bored and act up unlike if I meet other Mum friends we can go to the park or some other activity and our kids will play together while we chat and get coffee. It's getting to the point where if I see a message from her I am feeling a bit agitated at the pressure I feel under and I procrastinate over getting back to her and I am seeing her less and less.

I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection but at the moment with such little free time I just prefer to share it with people who really get me and know what my life is like, it that so unreasonable?

Fwiw people who do claim benefits (which includes beneficiaries of the state pension & free childcare hours) are not economically inactive either.

Agreed. Bet you don’t stop wanging on about motherhood and your kids either.

It sounds like she has the maturity to recognise that different people value different things, diversity is fine, adulthood doesn’t have to look just one way, and she can be empathetic and caring to someone whose life is different to hers. Maybe call her once you reach that level of adult maturity yourself, at the moment your posts are giving cliquey teenage mean girl, with maybe an undernote of envy.

What on earth is wrong with being 'self indulgent'? I think more of us should be like that, to be honest, if we're able to!
Turn this around and ask yourself how you would feel if she'd put a post on here saying how she feels her friend has become boring and only ever talks about her child?! People change, but, it doesn't mean you can't still be friends with a person from your past. I think it's nice to have friends who aren't living the exact same life that I am!

"as she matures" - how patronising! You sound very judgmental about her life choices. Stick to your 'mum friends' if you only wish to have friendships with people who are living the same life as you.Your friend has done nothing wrong but you don't need permission to drop her if that's what you want to do.

What is it you think she should be doing with it? She's living richly and happily, by your account. People with brains, talent and education do all kinds of horrible shit -- they invent biological weapons, they run drug cartels, they become investment bankers. She's not harming anyone.

(And I'm unclear on what you feel she should be doing with her beauty -- I mean, other than walking around with her appearance, what else should she do with it? model skincare? Be a life class model?)

She sounds great, I’d love to be her friend.

I feel bad for her, she has no idea of your true feelings.

I think in time as she matures more

Holy shit OP. Do you have any idea how patronising you sound?

Newsflash: not everybody is interested in other people's kids. Including people who are "mature" enough to have had their own children!

I'm not childfree. I'm just aware that when I had DS, now 13, I didn't magically 'mature'. I was already my full, mature adult self. DS was a delightful addition to my life, not some stage of 'adulting', like being able to vote.

You are being quite ridiculous and very judgmental. I think her life sounds wonderful and I wonder a little if there is some jealousy on your part at play.

I’m not childfree and I still think you sound like a judgemental knobhead. Maybe ask yourself why you feel the need to assert your assumed superiority over someone who isn’t living life by your prescribed standards? She sounds like she’s actually achieved far more than you - well educated, amazing life, what’s not to love?

Perhaps you just need to grow up a little and realise kids and a career aren’t necessarily what adds up to a life well lived.

You're literally on Mumsnet.

The more you type, the more I feel for your friend. If I were her, I would be backing away sharpish from such a judgey pants...

Yeah let the friendship wane... she can do much better than you judging her and clearly dying with jealousy over her nice life.

Her life sounds great!!

This sums up your opening post beautifully. What the actual FUCK are you on, OP? 🤣🤣🤣

I'm 6 months pregnant with my first, at a rather advanced age, so my friends both with and without kids have got pretty used to dealing with me as is, I am very conscious I am 'switching tribes'. I read your first post admiringly about your friend when you said she always makes efforts/accommodates the additional demands on your time, saying to myself 'i hope my child-free friends make that effort for me, this woman is lucky'. But then i thought, well the relationship clearly isn't working for you, shame but may as well move on.

With each subsequent post, your lack of respect for your friend becomes more and more apparent, and I don't think you're being honest about it. Ditch her by all means, she seems like she deserves better, but I get told time and again that the friendships that exist between Mums while kids are young can fall away as they grow and relationships with longtime friends can be resumed/rekindled as the small kid years get left behind.

“ as she matures more “
What is she, a wine or cheese??

Seriously, you live completely different lives; that’s all there is to it. Nothing to do with maturity.

I have children. Im reading your posts with utter disbelief. Your posts are beyond patronising. Are you struggling in some way, in your life? It's SUCH a strange thread.

but I get told time and again that the friendships that exist between Mums while kids are young can fall away as they grow and relationships with longtime friends can be resumed/rekindled as the small kid years get left behind.

This is so true. Mine is 21 now, and I'm reconnecting with people I knew years ago, as well as keeping a few "mum" friends. OP is being really stupid to burn her bridges.

Yes she does.

OP, perhaps, as a good friend, you should sit this woman down and tell her she is doing life 'wrong', then give her some tips on how she could mature into a real grown up like you?

Talk to her, maintain the friendship, as your kids get older you will be able to do more adult only things together

This. But to be honest I'm trying to decide if this is even real.

It's still the school holidays after all!

Except, when you meet she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time
so actually, sounds like she can relate to you, and is empathetic to your needs.

Perhaps when she's stopped being so creative and looking like she's still 25, your jealousy will abate and you can be mates again. After all you have a very important job, looking after the kids you chose to have.

Ok, you have two kids aged 5 and under. When the kids are that young, their needs can be all-consuming, and many women find that they lose themselves to some extent - they become mums and forget everything else that they were. In time you will come to miss aspects of your pre-children life, and want to go back to more of those interests.

At those ages the other mums will stick around for play dates (because their kids are too young to leave), so you spend an awful lot of time with people that are also going through this period of life, and it can feel like you are very close. But those friendships are mostly transient - a product of circumstances more than anything. As your kids go to separate schools, or people move away, or your kids don’t get on, or just as the kids get older so parents don’t hang out together at play dates, those friendships will fade or vanish altogether.

So I think it’s a mistake to focus only on your mum identity and mum friendships - in time you may really regret losing the closeness and wealth of shared experiences you’ve had with longer term friends.

Wow. Your poor friend.

I have no children and I work compressed hours so I have a lot of time for reading, my other hobbies and heavens forbid my skin and hair care routine. I try incredibly hard to be a part of my Mum friend's lives and to think someone might judge me as 'immature' for making myself happy or daring to talk about my interests to them? Wow.

Luckily they all do seem genuinely interested in what I've been reading or a show I've been to see and love me.

You have every right to let a friendship go on a back burner for any reason you choose...but if this has been 'I don't want to be friends anymore because all she wants to talk about are her kids' you might feel like I do here.