To let this friendship drift?

[Rosebold]

I have been close to my friend since secondary school, we went though university together, travelled together, moved to London for a while together and in the past she felt like a soul mate. However in the past five years I've had two children, been at home with them, went to back to work and am now a very busy working mother. My friend on the other hand is married but childfree, her husband is a high earner and she hasn't had a job since she's been with him, she does work at something creative but its not something she makes a living from. Her life is all about the books she's reading, her creative projects, her self care routine etc. Essentially more like the kind of life we had in our 20's and its like she has just gone deeper into that as opposed to growing up into something more adult. Even physically she looks like she did at 25 and seems stuck at that age.

It's not that I think she's wrong or that I don't like her anymore, she's been great with my kids and always goes out of her way to make things easier for me when we meet up because I have more demands on my time. It's more that we were once so close and on the same page with everything but now we feel very far apart. She's sympathetic to the pressures I am under but she hasn't been there herself and I just feel more seen and understood with women who have more similar lives to me these days, with kids and careers.

Its also more difficult because if we meet up if I bring my kids or even one of them it limits where we go or the kids get bored and act up unlike if I meet other Mum friends we can go to the park or some other activity and our kids will play together while we chat and get coffee. It's getting to the point where if I see a message from her I am feeling a bit agitated at the pressure I feel under and I procrastinate over getting back to her and I am seeing her less and less.

I don't want to lose touch with her altogether as I think in time as she matures more we might re-find our connection but at the moment with such little free time I just prefer to share it with people who really get me and know what my life is like, it that so unreasonable?

I'm not child free. I have 4 children, but don't consider that this makes me twice as 'worthy' or mature as you are. I also worked full time in a graduate position, but again, I don't believe that makes me better in any way to a woman who can afford to prioritise her interests and has no need to work.

Wait till you're knackered and pissed off with all your obligations in a decade or so and then you'll realise she was wiser than you all along!

Seriously though, why would you ditch a kind and giving friend just because your lives have taken different paths? Just get some kid-free time and go and have some carefree fun with her. Even as a mum and a worker you need it. Look at what she can bring to your life you that you might still enjoy together (a night out dancing, a shopping trip, a spa weekend?) and do that. Don't buy into the idea that being super busy makes you a better person. It's a big fat lie.

I tell you what, this thread has made me think again about a couple of friendships I was really sad about losing at the time.

I agree with most of this post, except that the OP isn’t being honest about her lack of respect for her friend. I feel like she’s been very honest about that! What I feel she’s maybe being less honest with herself about is that she feels envious of her friend’s nice life and is therefore looking to reassure herself of all the ways her life is more virtuous, more mature, and ‘better’. I think it’s understandable to be envious, her friend’s life does sound very nice and may feel like a particularly difficult contrast at the moment if OP is in the trenches with small kids. I think a lot of us would probably enjoy having a wealthy partner who was happy to support us in pursuing our hobbies and interests.

OP I think you need to be honest with yourself about your envy and try to deal with it in healthier ways than putting your friend down. It sounds like she’s consistently been there for you, so it’s not as if she’s a knobhead who is bragging all the time and only cares about herself and doesn’t make an effort for her friends with kids.

But you’re here posting on Mumsnet on a bh.

You sound awful. Please drop this friend. I would be genuinely happy for a friend to drop me if they judged my life so harshly.

Jeez, you really hate her, don't you? Do her a favour and tell her what you've said here, that you don't feel you can be her friend until she matures into a proper mum grown up like you.
If I thought for a second any of my friends viewed my child free life like that, I'd want them the fuck out of my life.
I disagree with PP who've said your posts are a bit judgey. I think they're a lot judgey.

Not really. I have three adult children and two grandchildren. I don't think that it makes me a better person than someone without kids, for whatever reason.

You mention her creative projects. What are they?

I don’t think you have to be at the same stage of life to be friends with someone. You should still be able to find things to talk about.

Also a tad jealous!

your friend symathises although can’t truly emphathise and tries to help you out. You seem to resent her carefree life.

by all means limit contact- but the problem here is you. Why can’t you relate to a variety of and not just those sharing the same circumstances

Huh? Why is that an issue though?

like fair enough I am significantly younger than you, but to me friends are people who you have shared memories and understanding with. If one of my friends became unemployed or delayed having children, I wouldn’t think that changes our history and baseline understanding/respect. I wouldn’t think there’s an “issue” between us.

This is rude.

You’re basically saying that because her life isn’t the same as yours, you don’t want to hear it.

She makes the effort with your kids and your life so you should do the same.

You sound like you feel more superior because you’ve had children.

Honestly I know you’ll say I’m wrong but you do sound a little jealous. If you were real friends then you wouldn’t even consider dropping her for being different to you.

I also don't understand why you think she's keeping her brains and talent to herself- simply because she doesn't have children??

Firstly, no matter how close you think you've been, don't assume that she's childfree by choice.

Secondly, there are so many ways to share one's intellect and talent with society- having children isn't even in the top 3.

Intellect and talent are most successfully shared through producing elements of - and actively participating in - culture & academia, which by your own admission she is doing.

Most careers don't allow for employees to fully develop their talents so her lack of a traditional job isn't a barrier either.

This is tone deaf.

You having children was for your own self indulgence, it is not for the benefit of society. Literally no one else in wider society benefits from you having sex, conceiving and raising a child. If anything, it’s a drain on wider society because there’s more competition for nursery/school places, more people claiming benefits, more pressure on housing when there’s already a crisis. Personally it would have had less of an impact on me if you did not have any children. The only people your kids benefit, are you.

by your logic, we should all be grateful for migrants coming over and having kids!

I smell jealousy Op.. Maybe get yourself a skincare routine and some good books and childcare and see if you feel better abotu yourself.

Bloody hell, god forbid you should fall ill or experience a life event making you economically inactive! Your perfect world would come tumbling down!

Sounds like you're seething with jealousy. Do her a favour and cut all contact. You seem vile.

Your friend sounds like me except I do have DC. Having lots of free time to do nice things for oneself doesn’t mean someone isn’t grown up.

I don't think you're convincing many people that you're not envious of her/her lifestyle.

I have children and think you're coming across pretty badly 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP please do carry on with the crap about your friend being useless and worthless bc she has a different life than yours. It proves you're clearly superior in every way and the rest of the boring women who chose not to procreate are a waste of space and air and hey let's just fucking hang them all they're dull as hell and not contributing anything to the world. Or at least let's ostracize them! Maybe we should go back to the days when society cast out undesirables like this woman who dared to be your friend for decades, has always supported you, never says hey can you leave your crotch fruit home for once so we can have an adult conversation?

Yes she's best left in the past. Maybe tell her your true feelings first tho so when you realize in a few years that there is indeed more to life than carrying and raising children, she rejects your overtures at rekindling the friendship.

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Maybe she doesn't want to discuss children and parenting?

And why do you take them with you when you meet?

What's riveting about any of that?

That would be discussed with friends I see all the time, not others

I expect her spending contributes to the economy!

You sound pretty smug to be fair