Husband booked a holiday I said I didn’t want to go on

[Catty6516]

Hello. Just looking for an outside opinion as I’m in my head about something and not sure if I’m being unreasonable

A while back a discussion came up about holidays next year and my husband really wanted to go to disney world in Florida.

Although I love Disney I said I don’t want to go next year. For a number of reasons really. We’re having some big work done on our house this autumn which is obviously costly.
also we went to Disney Paris last year and whilst we had a good time overall I really wouldn’t say that my kids were that enthralled with it (particularly my youngest whose behaviour wasn’t great whilst we were there) and so the thought of going for two weeks when it’s also going to be really hot and humid (August) just didn’t really appeal to me.
like I said I love Disney and it definitely wasn’t a never want to go but just not at the moment. I was happy to wait until the girls are a little older and maybe we will get more from it as it really such an expensive holiday.

anyway he has gone and booked it without consulting me. Well the deposit anyway. its cause tension as I feel betrayed that he’s just not listened to be or even discussed it further and just gone ahead. So now I feel backed into a corner as if we are to cancel we will lose hundreds of pounds.

He has said that he will fund the trip as he has more financial means, however my concern here is that although that will cover the holiday and a basic meal package (which obviously I would be very grateful for) I do still think it is the type of holiday that you need quite a bit saved up for and I don’t feel in a comfortable position for it at all.

he just doesn’t get it as he says he’s paying what am I moaning about but think it’s more the fact that he’s done something specifically said I don’t want to do. But now he’s making me the bad guy ‘mummy doesn’t want to go’ saying things like him and my eldest will just go on there own. Throwing things in my face like ‘fine we will just stay here and do nothing’ which is ridiculous and we do loads of nice trips and holidays (UK/europe) he just seems to have it in his head that is Florida or nothing.

like I said I’m so grateful that this is a possibility for us but just think it’s maybe a greater problem that’s been brought to the surface through this.

any outside perspective would be good. Thanks xxx

‘He’s paying’: he’s not - it’s household money. OP has said that they have other high expenses, house renovations, and can’t afford this cost.

the deposit is likely to be a small fraction of the cost. The total cost is uncertain but imagine £10k minimum.

’Make the best of it’ = swallowing the shit sandwich.

’Trying to be nice’: no information in the OP’s posts suggests that’s the case.

I’d see if you could all go late March / early April .
I really don’t like hot weather at all but we were booked for that time of year ( many years ago ! )
There was the odd hot day , other days were pleasantly warm or even felt fresh , especially in the evenings / early in morning.

Well reading the original post I hear Op doesn’t specifically want to go next summer for 3 reasons : budget, weather and youngest daughter.
DH has sorted the first one. Second one is debatable, youngest will be a year older and a lot can change in a year.
Op has said she has generalised anxiety at the moment so maybe DH her concerns come from over thinking rather than realistic problems.

She explained a number of times re budget that she still doesn’t have even the fun money for it, and if her dh pays he may well hold this over her constantly for the next year.

You can change dates once a deposit is paid. So consider that. I would still go. See if changing hotel is an option if that reduces costs.
We went in February with a young child and it was great. There are water parks and other activities for younger children.
He may have his reasons for booking the trip. His motivation for booking this may not be from a bad place. Talk to him about how you feel and your concerns about this trip, financial and time of year.
It sounds like communication is an issue, talk to each other.

In your position, the holiday would be the least of my worries. Having a husband who completely disregards your wishes and appears to use his stashed cash as a lever to get his own way, is far more unhealthy.

You couldn't pay me to take
my family to the USA at present. People are boycotting, and there's also the chance of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and being refused entry.

How stupid to go to the US now, under Trump, let alone Florida during Trump and in Hurricane season? The country is basically being torn apart—public services like hurricane and weather watches are being discontinued, rmergency services are being defunded, and the police and ICE are out of control snd drunk on power. Seriously: don’t go.

Does your partner often use these kind of tactics to get his own way? Sounds a bit controlling/ manipulative but well disguised do you have a friend who knows the details of your situation who you can confide in you know best the dynamics of the whole situation maybe you need to decide what your options are first
try to be kind to yourself -what would you tell yourself to do ?

I doubt that you will be pleasantly surprised, OP. As others have already said, it will be extremely hot and humid there, and August is the beginning of hurricane season. You likely have never experienced a hurricane, but it is a frightening experience, and you don't want to find yourselves stuck in a hotel with the air conditioning and power not working, and water shortages. Trump has been cutting emergency services drastically as well; if he continues, by next year, there will be none. I lived in the US, but on the East Coast, not Florida. The weather was pretty intolerable in August there, and temperatures are higher ever summer because of global warming. It is also extremely expensive in the US ATM and if DT continues to wreck the economy, prices of food, gas, rental cars, etc. will be even higher. If your kids didn't like Disney Paris, they won't like it in Florida, either. Kids don't necessarily like fancy vacations; they probably would be just as happy if you went camping in Cornwall. Don't just go with it.

It sounds as if the money would be better spent on counselling or therapy, frankly. There is a serious inbalance in your relationship, and your husband should be working with you, not trying to score points and manipulate your children into taking his part against you. His fixation with going to Disney in Florida seems infantile; he is indulging himself at your expense. Time to stand up to him. This is a horrible situation, and I am sorry, OP.

I wouldn’t want to go in august. Will your eldest be in secondary, I would move it to May when we have been. If DC is doing SATS then after they are done is a good time as so much of year 6 is geared towards them.

Depending on the dining package you have, apart from tips (if you are having sit meals only) you actually need little spending money. Everything is including all transport. We’ve had the dining plan (one sit down, one quick service & snacks) and bought no other food really. We’ve only bought the odd toy/T-shirt on top.

I also hate big rides and water slides. I stick to the kids stuff and enjoy that! Same with DD. Unlike Paris there are water parks to spend the day at and decompress.

I’d tell him that he can take his mother along and they can manage the girls and you’ll be having a nice break at home.

God this would annoy me. We did disney/florida in April, it was amazing but it was very much an undertaking! It's not just the money and the weather, it was all the planning. We knew we wouldn't have thousands to go regularly so the planning and effort required to get what you want from it is also massive. It was like a full time job jn the lead up, with itineraries, lightning lanes, restaurants, experiences. There's so much on offer that all needs booking in. It's also just very weird to commit so much money and time to something without sharing the excitement and anticipation and making the booking together. Dh and I love holidays and the fun of pressing the button together is a shared experience that we love. It's bonding to discuss where, what etc. Presumably he's also chosen the hotel without you and your considerations of what you'd like, what the kids might like. I think a weekend away is a nice surprise if booked by 1 person but disney is a massive holiday, huge amount of family resources that could go on other stuff like a car, work on the house etc. And it's also a big job if you want to make the most of it.
Suspect he'll spend the time super annoyed that things aren't going to plan, kids won't be "grateful" enough despite not asking to go and being hot and bothered, you'll be annoyed, the flight is long and hellish with little ones and he'll be all "well I paid so can you just do all the parenting".
Talk about why he thought this was OK and how you communicate better in the future and cancel it, or postpone a few years.

This!!

I don't have time to read all the responses* but I'm sure I'm not the only one here thinking that booking it anyway and using the kids, or at least the eldest, to emotionally blackmail you, is a total narc move. And separate money? That sounds very familiar.

*I don't have the time because I'm a single parent to my AuDHD 7 year old, having liberated us 2 years ago (after a meticulous 3 year safe escape plan) from his abusive, covert narcissist father. This is the kind of shit he started with. Just doing what he wanted, then trying to twist it into me being unreasonable. Over lockdown, when nobody else could see, he got really nasty. It wasn't just making jokes at my expense, it was doing things purposely to cause me mental or physical harm and not hesitating to use our then toddler to get at me further. Don't be like me. Don't waste 16 years and another 3 getting out. Certainly don't give it the chance to turn nasty.

LTB

Well, actually, don't leave. Make him leave.

Ha…mine went with a friend after he deliberately booked a week away he knew I couldn’t go…a girlfriend and I think this guy is demonstrating the same mindset my own Mr Mistake had. I’d be wary of suggesting she not go …but then I think she’s got the wrong OH anyway if he’s ignoring her concerns

I wholeheartedly agree. I was not going to go as far, but only being cautious as it’s thrown about too lightly. However, it’s flashing up all the red flags for me

YANBU. That said… now he has booked it I would accept the trip & let him learn the hard way.

Let him know you were worried about finances, but as he’s willing to pay for it all then that’s okay.

Let him know the renovation will take a lot of your bandwidth then, so he needs to plan the trip & pack for your kids.

Then just sit back & let him. Let him sort the whole trip. Don’t contribute at all. If the kids ask for souvenirs when there tell them to ask thier father.

You could have a magical, low-stress holiday. If the kids are a nightmare & it’s expensive & bad weather… that’s his choice.