To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

Has it been like this the whole 9 years?

DH needs to take action here. It’s not ok for you or DS to be in your home together if he’s too resentful/angry/upset to speak to you. DH needs to talk to DS properly and if he can’t be polite to you, spend time with him elsewhere.

No only really the last 3 years - roughly around the time his mum married her new husband

It sounds like your dh needs to cultivate an independent relationship with his children. They aren’t 25 & 30, they’re 13 & 17, which is still quite young. I wouldn’t expect them to be making dinner plans, or taking their non-response as a brush off. My teens don’t even have their phones for days and cannot respond to any messages. And a 17 year old tagging along when you go for a weekend cycle or whatever isn’t really quality time.

What if your Dh made birthday plans with them himself? Just for them? Not a boring old birthday meal (they’re kids, that’s not fun), but planned a day to do something special they enjoy together?

The kids are probably feeling uncomfortable in both homes.

Their mums, where she’s moved a new partner in.

And their dads, that they only occasionally visit and so will feel like visitors in.

They haven’t had any choice in these domestic developments.

But - no I wouldn’t like it either if I were you, life is too short. ‘Blending families’ seems very complicated and most people don’t seem to particularly enjoy it.

It’s a tricky age ( both of mine are close these ages) and there defintely is a shift in personality and ‘contact’ around this time. If everything else is good in the marriage then I’d try and ride this out. I wouldn’t allow either of my children to make me feel uncomfortable in my own home though, so time to set some basic rules about the expectations on communication and that they are not negotiable. Family therapy is also an option of all are willing.

Not sure on the hobbie thing, sounds like they don’t have what they need? Can’t that be arranged?

This stage will pass and your relationship in the future will very much depend on how you deal with the now.

DH has taken him out numerous times to talk to him and there is always (in my opinion) a silly excuse- he was tired, he didn’t feel like talking, he isn’t chatty as to why he ignored me the whole time to be even saying hello/ goodbye doesn’t take a lot of effort. As he was going last night I said ‘Bye, hope you have a nice week and see you soon’ I got just a blank stare and door shut! Heard DH on the drive saying why didn’t he reply and DS said ‘I didn’t think she was talking to me ‘

I'm trying to imagine a hobby that isn't safe for a 17 year old to at least take some part in.

I would personally speak to the silent DS and ask what's wrong, say how uncomfortable it is and ask if you can try to resolve the matter. If that fails both you and DH have tried with him and I think you have to give up. He and DH will have to meet when you're not around as that sounds intolerable.

My friend had this issue with a DSS. Only now he's in his twenties and a grown man is her home life really comfortable. It's hard to see why anyone should have to put up with that.

this could be a horrible idea but would you/him be willing to go out alone ? Take him out for the day somewhere nice to bond?

This may sound harsh but 13 is young. He didn’t choose for his parents to separate or to have to live between two homes or to have to deal with new partners for his parents. It sounds like he’s trying to control a small bit of a situation that he’s completely out of control of and is struggling with.

I would suggest professional help so that he has a safe space to talk to someone and work through his feelings.

The hobby for transparency is horses - while she can help do the day to day care and groom mine (not my husbands as not as trustworthy in a stable) both are a breed and type that are not suitable for a novice riders so to allow her to ride them would be plain dangerous and unsafe

I have tried talking to him and got shoulder shrugs and I don’t know know- I said we don’t have to like everyone in life but basic manners in a home is required and ignoring people isn’t right and no change

I’d guessed horses. I assumed it was a horse height/rider weight thing

Can you borrow a safe horse for her? Basic riding lesson? If she likes horses it would be a kind thing to do.

So you take her to the stables, which she is interested in, but don’t let her ride the horses?

So no matter which house the poor kid is at, he has to live with someone he isn't related to and whose life would be easier if he weren't there. His parents should be so ashamed.

Isn’t there the possibility of her riding someone else’s horse? A safe little plodder? I know people that own a livery yard And there’s always someone willing to help out a novice. Surely if she’s interested her dad should try and facilitate this.

As for the 13 year-old… I sympathise. We’ve barely been able to get a civil word out of our 14-year-old for the past year or so. He eats, grunts, eat some more, complains, eats, stares blankly when we try and engage him in conversation … You get the picture.

Are there other options for his daughter to see her dad outside the hobby? Are there any plans to make the hobby more accessible to your step daughter? What is she doing that is making you consider ending your marriage?

And similarly, does your step son have much time with his dad without you around?

A hobby where your step daughter does not have safe “equipment” and she’s expected to “help” with it. Is it riding? She’s expected to ride an unsuitable horse? She doesn’t bother with the mucking out/horse care in between?

The stepson sounds exceptionally rude and that needs to stop now. Why throw away a good marriage for this behavior which can hopefully be addressed?

Reading over your post again, you do sound quite passive aggressive with his kids. The daughter 'tags along ', 'she will be asked and be collected' and 'didn't even wish him happy birthday '. Why can't you reframe your thinking, isn't it great his daughter wants to join in our hobby? Why should her father mind picking her up and dropping her off, he seems as if he rarely sees her if she never visits his home. He really should be seeing his kids one on one without you.

The son was only 4 when you got together, its so strange you only have type of relationship.
He's 13, awkward age. His father really needs to build up his relationship with him and spend time on his own with him. Hopefully this in turn, will better your relationship with him. It must be so hard for these kids to have to go between 2 homes and live with 2 people no blood relation to them. I don't think theyre acting that badly, my teen atm just grunts at me.

The obvious thing with the dd is to encourage the hobby and get her riding lessons.
With the ds i might be tempted to go all out and take him somewhere alone where he couldn’t ignore me and have a frank conversation - but thats just me and I couldn’t politely go on ignoring the elephant in the room.
sorry - just seen you have tried talking.

Oh sorry, just seen your update

Why don’t people say what their hobbies are it baffles me. Unless it’s space exploration with a hamster it’s unlikely to be that outing. And gives so much more context. Although space exploration with hamsters might be too difficult / dangerous for her

This is both rude and quite strange that it’s worsened in the last three years. Is everything ok at their mother’s house?

I think perhaps forcing a few (brief) interactions with DSS eg you picking him up, or DH nipping to the shops when he’s round, might give you chance to broach the subject?

The DSD is trying to join in something you like and you’re not enabling her to fully do so by accommodating a different horse or supporting another activity that she can fully join in. This seems rather callous tbh.

Edited to add - if they really don’t like you then you organising DH’s birthday will most certainly be a pass from them… Could you arrange some way for them both to celebrate with their father whilst making yourself a bit scarce? Is there something they like that you don’t (sushi, Icecream) that can be a ‘them’ thing?

Oh it’s riding. Going to read the full thread 🤣