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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end marriage due to step children

314 replies

HP200 · 25/08/2025 09:11

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

OP posts:
Minxny · 25/08/2025 09:37

I feel a bit sorry for the daughter if she is hanging round with you while you ride and is never given a go. Have you offered her lessons (at a time etc that works for her)?

ProudCat · 25/08/2025 09:37

So DD comes at the weekend but can only do the jobs and is unable to experience the same kind of joy of riding that you and her father do? That doesn't sound very nice. To be honest, I can understand why this makes her "grumpy" because it sounds quite exclusionary.

DS hasn't spoken to you for 3 years? Seems to have got worse now hormones are raging around his body? Turns up at his own father's house whenever "he wants" - ya know, like kids do. But you don't seem to welcome this as it means you "can't relax in [your] own home". You do realise it's the kid's home as well because that's where his dad lives???

The 'silly excuses' are because the kids can't actually say: She makes us feel unwelcome and left out as if she doesn't want us there. They've just lost their mum (to another man) and now they feel as if they're losing their dad (to you). This is blunt, but you either need to grow up and show a bit more empathy to two children who are clearly struggling, or you need to admit you shouldn't have got involved with a man who has parenting responsibilities that you'd rather didn't interfere with your 'me' time.

hepsitemiz · 25/08/2025 09:38

Ah, so the stepdaughter gets to do the stable chores but no riding? That is not great, I’d be a bit miffed in her shoes. However, it is not easily fixed either!!! You can hardly go find a nice schoolmaster for her to ride on her occasional visits!

Original poster
HP200 · 25/08/2025 09:38

She is not expected to help as all, she wants to come which is fine but then stands and gets angry as she wants ride I have even ridden my horse to show her the behaviour (is still young) so she can see it’s not safe and not personal and I have been riding 25 years. She had some lesson locally but unfortunately the centre closed and our livery yard is primarily for competition horses been bought on and sold by the owner and others who compete too, the only non competitive horse there is a Shetland for her toddler so agin not suitable

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 25/08/2025 09:38

I remember my stepdaughter when she was 13. It’s an awful age, they’re a seething mass of hormones. The good news is it’s only temporary and they grow out of it. It’s ridiculous to contemplate ending a good marriage because a stepchild is in typical teenager mode.

Booboobagins · 25/08/2025 09:40

Your happiness comes first, always @HP200

If yoyr DH won't stick up for you and correct his children's behaviour towards you, go find a man who will be there for you. X

arcticpandas · 25/08/2025 09:40

I don't know why you went into details without getting into specifics about your DSD because clearly she's not "causing any problems" and she accepts you.

So the problem is with DSS who is 13 and who you have known since he was 4. During all those years you haven't bonded at all?

Anyway, you said yourself that this started about 3 years ago when his mum moved a new boyfriend in. You can therefore deduce that his attitude has nothing really to do with you personally but all to do with him not feeling well. Teenagers can be grumpy for no reason (hormones etc) but he seems to be going through a rough patch. If I were you I would lower my expectations on him. If you know it has nothing to do with you there's no reason to feel hurt. Tell your DH that he might need counselling.

I've got two teenage boys and I think that it's important to remember how overwhelming it can be for them.

sittingonabeach · 25/08/2025 09:41

What quality time is DH having with his DC? What is the point of going to the stables when his DD is around if she can’t ride?

Happyfeet234 · 25/08/2025 09:42

13 year olds ar hard work for parents who are still together. I’d style this part out and you’ll probably be amazing in 12 months time. Ignore everyone who’s saying how awful for them to have step parents. Another mumsnet classic.

Keep being bright and breezy and he will probably eventually come round. There might be stuff (definitely will be stuff) going on in his personal life - girls/boys, friendship groups, school, identity generally - that is absolutely nothing to do with you but you’re a convenient person to take it out on. Smile and wave and keep up the good times with your husband. Do not leave!

Minxny · 25/08/2025 09:42

So if you want to build your relationship with your stepdaughter I would suggest finding a way for her access riding would be the way to do it. There has to be somewhere she can ride surely? I know it is expensive and it might feel a bit mercenary but she's a teen. How does she not feel very, very far down her dad's list of priorities?

Original poster
HP200 · 25/08/2025 09:43

It’s not as easy as ‘find a horse for her’ the type of horse she needs would be thousands and then add month costs and another livery yard as ours is a completion yard.
she was offered lessons but her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there, explained they wouldn’t be in the same group due to levels and could be another day so no ‘watching’ each other but she said no to it

OP posts:
GRex · 25/08/2025 09:45

With the son, I don't think having his dad keep scolding him is going to be the way to his heart. I'm confused how you'd known him for 6 years and then have 3 years of him bot talking without having a chat before now. If you can be kind then I suggest you talk to him, honestly and openly, about how you'd like to get along.

For the DD - your DH needs to rent her a suitable horse and/or lessons, it's really rude to bring her along when she can't participate.

Minxny · 25/08/2025 09:45

And I agree with @Happyfeet234 on stepson's age. I had multiple friends at this age whose own children told them they would happier if that parent died etc. Then they are nice as pie to outsiders. It is a tough age but they do grow out of it.

Untailored · 25/08/2025 09:46

If the marriage is otherwise good I wouldn’t throw it away based on this.

The relationship with DD seems reasonable, at least she comes out with you! You should be building on that, get her some riding lessons elsewhere. There must be somewhere she can go to ride horses.

As for the DS, have more compassion. Awkward age, lots of change. He’ll mature and come out the other side - just grit your teeth and be kind in the meantime.

Original poster
HP200 · 25/08/2025 09:46

I included DSD as to say she is polite and chatty to me- gets frustrated with the horse thing and I am hopeful in a year or so my horse may be more suitable but right now it’s a safety thing - my son has been riding 3 years and he has not been on my horse for the same reason which I have explained to her
me and DSD to me are mainly fine and have no issues

OP posts:
limetrees32 · 25/08/2025 09:47

I think ending the marriage is probably the best bet for you to be happy and enjoy yourself .
Go for it !

RandomWordsThrownTogether · 25/08/2025 09:47

You need to get her lessons, it is cruel bringing a kid to a yard for a day and not letting her ride.

Untailored · 25/08/2025 09:47

HP200 · 25/08/2025 09:43

It’s not as easy as ‘find a horse for her’ the type of horse she needs would be thousands and then add month costs and another livery yard as ours is a completion yard.
she was offered lessons but her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there, explained they wouldn’t be in the same group due to levels and could be another day so no ‘watching’ each other but she said no to it

Find her a different place then?

Merryoldgoat · 25/08/2025 09:48

How do people live like this?

HopingForTheBest25 · 25/08/2025 09:49

I think you'd be throwing the baby out with the bath water to end an otherwise good marriage over this.
I feel for the kids - they are being expected to slot into their parents' lives, with little thought from either mum or dad as to what's best for them or what they might actually like.
As hard as it is for you (and I have genuine sympathy - it's terrible to feel uncomfortable in your own home) imaging how it feels to be 13, effectively a guest in your dad's house, to feel like it isn't your home and then have to go 'home' to mum's house where there's another (not chosen by him) step parent.

Im not excusing the rudeness, but I think this needs professional intervention - some kind of therapy for this kid, so he has someone to express his feelings to.

In the meantime, dad needs to spend a lot of time doing things just one to one and you need to continue being kind and polite and try not to take it so personally because I really don't think this is about him hating you as a person. I'd want my dh to make sure everything is okay with the step dad - if DS has only become withdrawn since mum remarried, I'd want to know the step dad isn't an abusive arse and no one has picked up on it to protect DS.

Re the daughter, her dad needs to book her some proper riding lessons and if this is a genuine hobby, look into getting her a horse of her own or one she can ride regularly. I know it's expensive but if you and Dh can afford a horse each then there's clearly money and so something has to be done to make her feel part of this hobby and not a bystander. She is also fitting around the lives you and Dh have built and she needs to feel like it's her life too and that she doesn't just exist on the edges.

Dont know what the relationship with mum is like but Dh needs to be talking to her and they ideally need to be working as a team to fix whatever is going wrong for their children.

Untailored · 25/08/2025 09:50

Well, ok if you’re happy about where your relationship with DSD is, then it’s only DSS that’s the problem.

He’s 13 - wait it out.

SkaneTos · 25/08/2025 09:50

You have a horse to ride.
Your husband, her father, has a horse to ride.

She has no horse to ride.

Great.

Zempy · 25/08/2025 09:50

DH sounds pathetic. He either addresses his DS rudeness or you leave. I wouldn’t tolerate that in my own home.

limetrees32 · 25/08/2025 09:51

How do people live like this?

I think the OP doesn't want to ,hence her AIBU to end her marriage and remove the factors that are causing her grief .

BeGreySnail · 25/08/2025 09:51

Does DSD have a toddler that rides the Shetland?