To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

If the OP was to rightly kick her lazy selfish husband to touch, she has no rights to see her stepchildren after they seperate.
She has zero parental rights.
3 years of tolerating being ignored in HER house is ridiculous.

Her husband has clearly zero interest in sorting this out and establishing boundaries for his 13 year old.

Time OP asserted herself.
Tolerating poor behaviour means you get more of the same, as 3 years indicates.
Teens invariably don't wake up one morning and decide to suddenly change course.
This is 100% on his father to sort out.
He has chosen not to because he is a lazy arse who landed on his feet.

OP needs to seriously rethink her situation.
She shouldn't be allowing her own child to witness such disrespect of her, in HER home.

Nope, a few people, example, @Diarygirlqueen in the first page for example, there's other's

You say that but again, quite a few people caught there's something sus also from OP side in her relationship with the children

I also want to point out two things some keep repeating

1 - her house
It's not just her house, it's the boy house too, it's literally his home too, but a few doesn't seem to care about that

2 - some of you keep mentioning "parental rights" as if it's some gotcha moment

I don't know, did something change in the last decade?

Maybe I'm old and the times changed, but in my time when you enter a relationship with someone who has a child you enter into a relationship with the child

There's no "oh no but parental rights!" to remove your ass out of the situation when it's inconvenient

Some also seem to ignore she's been in this boy life for 9 YEARS, she literally has been there for most of his life and surely helped raised him

She's not just dad girlfriend he got a year ago so is a total stranger to those children

@Tsama I do agree that she has known the boy for a long time but if the dad is an every other weekend dad then she has spent 4 days a month at most with this boy. Not much raising has been done by the dad or OP.

We don't know if it was always like that so there's that

But doesn't that prove both the father and the stepmother are shitty?

Boy has 4 days a month with his father and both him and the stepmother are more worried about horse riding than him and the other children

Honestly, I'm surprised he's talking with his own father either, those kids clearly feel unwanted and probably feel OP passive aggressive attitude against them

There's no family time in dad weekend, instead it's being an accessory for his and his wife hobby and fuck what the children want or have quality time with them cause their hobby comes first

I can only imagine how shit things might be on their mother side too

Those are children who in time will go low or no contact cause all the adults in their lives failed when raising them

No, nothing has changed in the last ten years. ‘Stepparent’ is a title, that’s it. It isn’t a legal relationship, and OP adopted no responsibility for her stepchildren upon marriage. How long she has known him is irrelevant, he isn’t her child or responsibility.

And it is her house. Thankfully, she protected her assets prior to her marriage, so while her husband may live there and his children visit, it very much remains hers.

Yeah no, something changed if some people see stepparent as just being a "title"

Nobody here, not even one single person said she has the legal obligation of doing anything, but it's a fact if you enter a relationship with someone who has a child you're almost always expected to help in, that's how things always worked

Really, it's also pretty hypocritical because if it was a stepfather basically saying "not my children not my problem" some of you would be outraged and say he's a failure as a man

Could you please point me to point in what post she said it's legally her house? As in she owns it? Cause if she really said that I missed it

To me it was always in the context of "I live here so it's my home"

But then it was like middle of night and I went to sleep 6 am, so I could have missed

The joys of getting involved with people who already have children, they won’t necessarily like you or the fact their dad is with you.

It has always been just a title. What that title means regarding responsibility for stepchildren is entirely up to the individual. A stepparent is absolutely free to decide to be hands off and assume no responsibility for their stepchildren, whether you personally approve of that or not (if you don’t? Oh well). If a parent wants their spouse to be hands on with their children it’s up to them to not marry someone that isn’t offering that.

It would only be hypocritical if the same posters that said a stepfather had to assume responsibility for their stepchildren were the same ones that said a stepmother didn’t have to.

and sure. In response to:

”I'm going to make some guesses and please correct me if I am wrong.
You are a woman of means. You've been financially independent for a long time.
You own the house and your DH moved in with you. He was living in rented accommodation when you met.”

Op replied:
”In regards to finances and house you are completely right.”

Yes, a stepparent is free to do that, and then later we hear the stories about shitty step-parents and how shitty parents allowed a shitty situation to happen while the children grew up

Cause really, nobody enters a relationship with someone who has a young child and expect to basically be hands free, maybe you shouldn't go for parents then :v

As for the house, ok I guess I completely missed that, it does change some of the context cause then everyone else is an outsider

It also changes one big thing, if it was his house then she was the outsider and him and the children have technically priorities over the house, she's uncomfortable enough? She could leave yet endured the situation for years, so it's on her

I didn't hide at any moment I think this entire relationship is sus and OP is maybe hiding some details about how things are

But like, I admit maybe this is kinda of a double standard, but if it was the husband house, 100% the child home, there's some room for them do be petulant cause hey, it's their house, but that's not the case, I feel if you marry someone and bring your children to their house you have even more obligation of making them act better

Anyway, it changes things because of one single detail, if it was the husband house then the children would always be expected to be there in some way for years to come, so OP choice is literally endure it or leave

But with it being her house she doesn't have obligation of welcoming any of the children after they turn 18, from the way the father is I don't think he would care much either

And before anyone try to play gotcha, I don't mean legal obligation, you know what I'm talking about so don't be obtuse :v

So OP options change from waiting it out and leaving to wait untill the son is 18 and not allowing him back or kick everyone out

Again, I do think something is sus and there's a lot not being said about how the children really are treated

But as much as I feel something wrong your house is your house, the mistake was letting it go for so long when she has all the leverage, so either force things to change or cut it out

Even if you're a shitty person and is doing something wrong you're still the king / queen in your own castle, so the uncomfortable people who gets to leave if you decide go be petty enough

It isn’t a ‘gotcha’ when the legal obligation is the only thing that’s relevant here. Within that framework a stepparent gets to decide what the role of stepparent means for them. A stepparent absolutely can enter into a relationship with a parent and choose to be completely hands off when it comes the children. Again, you can feel however you like, and think being hands off is as terrible and shitty as you like, but oh well. That’s not OP’s problem.

Yes, her DH is free to leave with his children, or she can kick him out.

I’d have been flying out the door yelling ‘who else would I be talking to, you ignorant little sod?!’
I couldn’t be arsed with this behaviour, either your husband pulls him up on this crap or he’s looking at his 2nd divorce.

When it’s our weekend with Step son and my son the horses are on care Saturday (unless DSS) has asked to come to the yard and we do things with the children and the Sunday my DSS is taken racing with his dad while me and my son have a day together going to his riding lessons, out for lunch/ cinema etc and then do the horses either together or I go early morning before husband leaves depends what my son fancies as he likes the horses Abdul’s to cuddle and stroke mine and groom the Shetland on the yard (and hand walk it like a big dog). The weekend my son and DSS are with other parents we tend to spend with the horses.
my son lives with me 12 days and goes to his dads EOW and 2 weeks in summer and some extra days in half terms.