To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

She answered that.

I agree with this too. He’s just not a good dad, too selfish and lazy

Although it all must be tiresome for you, after reading this I’m very sad for the children, they are just seen as a nuisance when they should be more of a centre for their parents. 13 year old just sounds like a classic awkward 13 year old boy and 17 year old sounds like she is trying to be involved but you see her as an inconvenience

@HP200 actually having read your post again I think you are taking a 13 year old boy behaviour way too personally - I mean you had one of your own they don’t listen, they are caught up in a world of their own and literally speak another language.

He doesn’t hate you, he just can’t be bothered to interact with you presumably because as they are incredibly transactional there is nothing you can give him.

BUT he is being rude and that does need his father to say that actually there is an expectation of politeness when he is around

@99bottlesofkombucha

She answered it but not very convincingly.

She said:

"It’s not as easy as ‘find a horse for her’ the type of horse she needs would be thousands and then add month costs and another livery yard as ours is a completion yard.
she was offered lessons but her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there, explained they wouldn’t be in the same group due to levels and could be another day so no ‘watching’ each other but she said no to it"

Translates as Dad is willing to spend thousands on his own hobby but not compromise his own situation to include his DD.

There are issues between DSD and the OPs Ds which are not acknowledged.

If they were willing to make compromises all round they could easily include her, but they won't. That sends a strong and clear message to the DSD.

I'd ignore Don't take it personally. I know it's hard to do .

I have only ridden once in front of her to show her how my horse behaves same with my husband so if she comes up in the morning we will ride in the afternoon so she doesn’t have to sit watching us. Both horses are thoroughbreds who are still adjusting to life one was recently broken in and the other was a ex racer from Ireland who can be really unpredictable (my husbands, hence not allowing her in the stable but I try not to go in with her much either ). DSS has a hobby which is racing so is every other weekend for the full Sunday so DH does that with him without fail and horses are either on care or I do them early before my son gets up. The weekend we have the kids (just the Saturday as Sunday is racing) we often put the horses on care so we have the day with them unless DSD has said she is free and wants to see them and my son is at his dads when step children at with their mum.
my son is also 13

My sd was like this, don’t speak to me from age 11ish to when I last saw her two years ago. She made me feel uncomfortable until I learnt to ignore it and be in my home as I pleased. Don’t give up your marriage if it’s otherwise happy is my advice. Do your own thing eow and these years pass. Leave the parent stuff to dh.
my marriage is really good and in a happy place, sd chose to cut her dad off and I think that would’ve happened if I were there or not due to some things that would take forever to go on about here. We’d had minimum interaction for years and she was jealous of his own mum so it wasn’t around just me.

He’d be on his own and miserable when the reality is we now have a very good life. Should his dd ever be in touch then that will remain something between them as I don’t ever intend to have a relationship with her for many reasons but it’s not worth ending my marriage

I think your partner should work improving his son's manners. But he should be welcome in his dad's home regardless of behaviour (barring serious violence etc.). He's his parent and providing a home for him shouldn't be conditional on behaviour... it's the bare minimum.

If this makes you unhappy you should leave.

I can't even begin to understand a parent spending thousands on their own hobby rather than spending it on their child. I know lots of horsey families, but none where the parents have horses instead of the children (some where everyone has a horse. More where the parents would like their own, but can't afford to because they are spending so much on their children's as that's the obvious priority).

Heard DH on the drive saying why didn’t he reply and DS said ‘I didn’t think she was talking to me ‘

THIS is when H should have taken him back in the house, explained that you WERE talking to him and stood there until SS answered you.

Your H missed a trick there and until he steps up and pulls his son up on his rudeness IN FRONT OF YOU, it won't get any better

This is partly why I am considering giving up the marriage as he is not stepping up and addressing it where he should

Does your own DS get on with your step children?

@HP200

You haven't touched on the relationship between your own son and your husbands children.

It sounds like DSD isn't comfortable around him if she doesn't want to go to the same riding school, why is that?

I have no intention of paying and caring for a horse for a child who rode for 6 months and then said it was too much of a commitment and impacted her social life as I will be the one left doing the work at a heavy cost. My son admits he loves riding but does not want the commitment of caring for one especially in winter

my son and step son are friendly to each other- very different personalities but will chat and things but despite being the same age will not go out together as they do not have similar interests, friends etc but there are no issues between them

my son is also 13

It sounds like this must be hard for your DSS. Another boy of the exact same age is essentially living with his dad full time, and has done since they were both little boys, whilst he only gets his dad EOW. He’s being sullen and rude, and there’s a lot that your DH should be doing to address that behaviour; but honestly, I suspect a lot of adults would act pretty sullenly and rudely if they were the ones living in the sort of situation that children of divorced parents are just expected to lump and get on with.

DSS’s feelings are being displaced onto you, because you’re not his parent.

So how do they communicate with one another if they don't use messaging apps? All the primary aged kids I know use Whatsapp if they have phones. What are teens doing? Genuinely curious.

@Pastaandoranges

why can’t it be one day of the weekend be all about the kids hobbies, and one day of the weekend it be about yours and your husbands hobbies! You matter too! And it gives the kids opportunity to see that you are a human in your own right with your own interests and hobbies

I’m another person looking in from far away and feeling that your stepchildren must feel unwanted, irrelevant, not belonging, unable to do anything right, and I fear probably deeply unhappy

It sounds like DSD wants to do a hobby with her dad. Not riding lessons solo or going with you and not being able to ride. Just like DSS goes off on his hobby with dad and you and dad have horses. She sounds sad and feeling left out. Probably does like your horses too and naively hopes that getting to know them is all she needs to do to make them safer.

As a PP said family therapy would be a good shout.

For DSS why don't you just get on with your own life and leave him be with his dad then you'll both be able to relax.

Eye roll. Sounds like you have a DH problem. What was his reaction when DSS was so rude by blanking you when you wished him a good week? He knew full well you were speaking to him. Did DH just say, “alright then”?

No one is asking you to, but maybe her Dad should. He could compromise his hobby to include his DD.

How does your DSD get on with your DS?

Snapchat is my DS’s main method of communication with his mates. He doesn’t use it with us, so we have WhatsApp but our messages can go unread/unanswered!

I think it’s because he is younger but a higher level which is why different days were offered so no comparison and discussion around he has been doing it longer so naturally will be further but that’s not bad and she will be the same given time but she point blank refused. DSD has a lovely relationship with my son and gives him a lot more time and attention then she does her own brother, step children do not have a good relationship with each other and will fight and argue 95% of the time, she was asked if she would like to come here different time to him as openly they don’t like each other but would said she is out with friends and her mums is closer to them which I understand

Rightly or wrongly your SS probably blames you for having your own son that spends more time with his dad by default of living with you and now it turns out that his own sister has a better relationship with your son than she does with him. Such a tricky situation.