To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

I used to be an tutor and taught a lot of boys. Often I have taught them from primary through to sixth form. They honestly do go through a stage in early/mid teens where they barely talk and mainly grunt. Even the ones who would have saved up 5 things over the week they wanted to tell me in our lesson when they were younger boys. They come out of it again later. I don't expect this to be the only cause of the problems, but is probably some of the issue.

How old is your son?
Do they each have their own rooms at home?

So your DS has been provided with a suitable horse but your DHs DD hasn’t? That’s very divisive OP.
In all the years you’ve been together, what has been the arrangement regarding the children? How often do they sleep over? Does your DS live with you full time? Is there a problem between your DS and your DSS?

Don’t expect teens to read and respond to texts!

I have a great relationship with my neice and nephew - similar age. They don’t use texts or WhatsApp with their friends so my messages can go unread for weeks! They are messages that they would want to reply to. Offers of shopping trips and money😂. When I mention it they toll their eyes and tell me they aren’t fifty and non one texts

Your husband has the children, so he can spend time with them, not for them to accompany you to your joint hobby. His daughter can’t take part in your joint hobby as she doesn’t have a horse. Why doesn’t your DH want to be with your son?

Does your son live with you? How old is he? How does dss get on with him?

With regards to DSS does he ever get his dad all to himself where they're just together with no tellings-off?

It's not about understanding things from the step children's view it's about the fact that the OP feels uncomfortable in her home .
If she ends the marriage she presumably will only have to share her home with her own child/children .
And then ,presumably ,will no longer have to feel uncomfortable .
Seems a straightforward enough choice .

How was your relationship with SS when he was 4/5/6 etc? We're you closer or has the relationship always been distant?

How is your DH with your own son? How old is your own son? I can see there being some sort of resentment if your DH has a great relationship with your son and he gets riding lessons over your step children (I do realise SD has said no to lessons).

I wouldnt give up on your marriage.

For some context l, when my dad remarried, I always felt awkward at their house, never 100% comfortable. That's not because they made me uncomfortable or made me feel unwanted, but I felt I was encroaching on "their" life together, like i was in the way (unintentionally)

Same when my mum got a new partner, id hide up in my room to stay out of the way. Not to be rude, but i felt awkward.

Also, as a side note, dont read too much into the shrugs and lack of talking. I pretty much see my 13 year old at meal times and when he heads to the front door to go out with his mates!

I knew it was going to be horses, horse people are wild for forcing the whole family to get involved but not partake. Can't her dad spend some time with her away from the horses? Really unfair to treat her as a groom and make her watch you ride.

With your DSD I think being grumpy about the hobby is fair enough and that age range do t text at all. Getting them to text is a mission and usually is just ok good leaving on train

with your DSS I think your husband needs to work on that 13 is a difficult age - did he used to talk to you?

and whst is the relationship with your son like as step siblings as it doesn’t sound great ton either side. He is a part of this yet barely mentioned. And yes I know you would say @HP200 but he isn’t relevant to what you are saying but he very much is I think and the lack of saying anything about him hints as to what some of the issues might be

my son started riding 3 years ago- step daughter was not into horses at this point and around a year ago expressed an interest but did not want to go to the same riding school as my son so another was found. 6 months ago she stopped riding as felt the weekly amount was too much (if friends had plans etc) so wanted a break. In the meantime the riding school she was at has closed and so have the other 2 within an hour of us just leaving the one my son goes to which she will not go to at her own choice despite offering completely different days and they wouldn’t be at different levels. My son has been riding 3 years at a school and has not been bought his own horse or even a loan so I will not be purchasing and looking after one for step daughter who rode 6 months and then felt it was too much

She is not forced to come she asks and to say no seems harsh, she is always invited to days out, holidays etc etc and always declines and her dad offers to take her out to do things but she normally says she has plans with friends

Yes all have own rooms

she was offered lessons but her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there, explained they wouldn’t be in the same group due to levels and could be another day so no ‘watching’ each other but she said no to it.

What does this mean? You have a son that your DH won’t be around? He doesn’t want his DD near your DS? And now DD also won’t go to that riding school? That all sounds like important context.

Even without that, it sounds a bit selfish of your DH to spend every weekend pursuing a hobby that you and he have in common but that his kids can’t do, regardless of the reasons. How is he making time to spend with them and do what they enjoy? Early teenage boys are silent for all manner of reasons that are nothing to do with you so don’t worry about that, but in the long term you might want to think about how you either support or step back to allow your DH to be a better parent to two people who want to be with their dad (the DD to the point where she’ll shovel horse shit).

Op forces the SD to groom the horses? Is this in reality or in your own twisted version as the posts from OP don't indicate that at all. In fact, quite the opposite.

Oh my god dad was clearly an autocorrect for DSD.

People's critical thinking and comprehension skills on this site are diabolical

How old are your children, and are they joint with your husband or from a previous relationship? Wondering if this is having an impact on how the step children may feel when visiting you (whether it should or shouldn't is another matter).

I know.

See the kids every other weekend, and all of it spent at a horse yard where they aren’t allowed to ride the horses.

No wonder they’re not that interested in their weekends together, I can’t see a 13 year old boy finding this particularly interesting.

Maybe she needs another hobby then - I get you don't want to commit lots of money and time if she isn't fully committed but maybe accompanying you and DH to what is essentially your hobby and not hers, is the thing which needs to change.
It does sound as if she is being unreasonable re not attending your DS riding school. Why is that?

If the kids don’t feel secure enough in their relationship with their father then they’ll never feel safe enough to include you too. It sounds like they don’t see him enough to have a strong relationship and he needs to be making more effort. He needs to find a stables to take his daughter to lessons and it sounds like the son needs more 1 on 1 time with dad too. What are his hobbies and interests? Your husband needs to be making more effort with his kids.

So he's a weekend dad who spends the weekend doing his new wife's hobby instead of parenting and making no real effort to involve them... he's a shit dad and you're a bad step mum.
Neither of you can dedicate all weekend every weekend to horses when there are non horsey kids. Both massively unreasonable and need to get your priorities straight.

Wow your hobby is a significant issue here. Your DH is a twat for not focusing attention on to his children. Any parents of teens spend copious amounts of time on their hobbies at those ages not the other way around. You are child free and get a bit of a pass here but your DH does not.

I’m wondering if your dh needs to take time to build his relationship with the children separately. Do you have to do everything with them? Can’t dh take his dd to a hobby and spend time with her. Also you invited them for a meal for your dh but actually it was for two of their birthdays couldn’t you have made it about both of them? I don’t think you need to end your relationship I think you and sh do your hobbies when the teens aren’t around.