To end marriage due to step children

[HP200]

Probably will be flamed but here goes ….
DH has 2 DC- DD17 and DS13. DD does not visit the house but will tag along on mine and his hobby at the weekend, she will ask and be collected and dropped back at her request. When with us she will chat and be polite (isn’t much help with the hobby 🤣) but is getting grumpy that she can’t actually do the hobby as what we have is not suitable / safe for her.
DH birthday is the day after his DD and I messaged both his children inviting them out for a meal to celebrate both read message and ignored and didn’t even wish him happy birthday.
His DS comes minimum EOW (and whenever else he wants) and will not speak to me at all the whole time. DH has spoken to him time and time again and he states there is not an issue but it’s the same blank stare and no reply every time I talk to him and I feel uncomfortable when he is here and that I can’t relax in my own home. DH thinks it’s fine but I don’t want to feel uncomfortable in my own house and he clearly hates me regardless of what he tells his dad.
we have been together 9 years and parents were separated when we meet due to his mum having an affair so I didn’t end the relationship or anything

There must be something else going on in the marriage and you are projecting the issues on the DC. This is really minor, you said yourself no issues with DSD. DSS is 13, it's not that unusual for teenagers to not be chatty. I can't imagine anyone would end a good marriage over a teenager not speaking to them EOW

Is your son the same age as your step daughter?

And she’s trying to get involved in the all consuming family hobby of competitive horse riding but not given an option?

If she’s 17 and your son is the same age but more accomplished I can understand why she might be self conscious about taking riding lessons alongside him.

If I were you I’d prioritise bringing your step daughter closer into your family and getting her riding.

Horse people can be a bit precious and ivory tower IME. Is it really so impossible that she could hack out on someone’s horse on a lead rein on occasion, or if commitment is shown, you could part time loan one for a summer? It does sound like a very exclusionary set up. Do you talk horse all the time at home as well?

Please just be kind to the DSS. Very tricky for a 13 year old boy in today's world. His Dad needs to back off with hassling him about you. They need to find a secure relationship with each other, do what interests the son, not the son fiting around dad. You are a grown up crack on with your life, he may or may not come round, think why would an unrelated 13year old want to spend time with any woman? Although being civil would be a bonus as long as he generally behaves and not causing drama leave him to his dad.
DSS might not want to be at your home at all, imagine being forced eow to go somewhere you don't want to be, don't feel welcome and step mum looking for problems. Poor kid.

I don't understand why you can't find a way to involve her with horses, she sounds keen so why not (unless you actually don't want her which is what it sounds like).

@HP200

DUMP HIM,OP.
Life is just too short.

I think the issue here is that the dad doesn’t prioritise his kids and they know it. He spends hardly any time with them and doesn’t appear to know them at all. If the weekends are the only time he wants to see his kids then he should at least dedicate it to them, not go horse riding with you.

I have had horses since 1994, so I guessed immediately what the hobby was! I’m really interested to know what breed they are though that makes them unsafe for novices. As you know, there is a huge variation of characters even within breeds. I learned to ride on an Arab for instance, and despite the breed being known for being hot headed (and he could be), he was by a million miles the safest horse we’d ever owned.

The Welsh section A and the Shetlands however are a different story 😂😂

You could always lead rein her on your horse?

He’s not nasty, he’s not overly rude, He doesn’t cause trouble… It is what it is. 🤷‍♀️ My friend works in a secondary school and she said year 9 boys are the worst. But they come out the other side and are perfectly pleasant again. It’s not a laugh a minute, but he’s our child and we love him. There are people dealing with far worse in their home life.

I agree your DH sounds pretty awful tbh. Neither of his children are able to ride with him - so he needs to not go riding when it’s his weekends with them. His priority should be his children, and spending quality time with them when they’re around. You’re getting the brunt of the frustration of the SDC, when it’s not really on you.

I suspect things would be more harmonious between all of you if your DSS wasn't feeling like a spare part being shuffled between two parents with new lives and partners and not really being fully included in either new life.

Horses are quite a commitment, if you and DH are at the stables every weekend, I think the kids are probably thinking that Dad should be spending time doing things they want to do with him rather than spending every weekend at the stables doing a hobby that only his new family really like and leaving them to either come with, or do nothing.
With my kids, me and my DH don't do our hobbies over our kids. We take them to hobbies they want to do and have sidelined our own hobbies in favour of theirs, that we dont even have any interest in. For example husband used to play golf every weekend and hates football, but son loves football, so the weekend is centred around sons football. I like horseriding, have taken my kids but they have no interest and so we do other things, I dont do horseriding anymore as it takes too much precious time for me to be off horseriding while my kids are doing nothing ay home.
I can completely see how your SCs are feeling like they are completely sidelined for a hobby they have no interest in. Dad should be making an effort to do things they want to do and are interested in on the weekends he has them. And if it were me I would be giving up the horses, which are a huge commitment in time and money and focussing on my relationship with my kids. Although, maybe its too late now and after 9 years of this they have made up their minds that they have had enough of being sidelined for this hobby and now just have disengaged.
To this end, yes you probably should end the marriage, so he can be the dad he should be being and you can enjoy your hobby with your son.

Your DH is rather selfish. He can't ride every time his DD comes over. Yes I understand the horses need looking after but once in a while he needs to not ride and make some effort with his DD. Can't you ride them in the evening so he can spend time with his kids at the weekend? That's unless I've misunderstood

Your dh needs to see the reality of the situation which is making everyone miserable. Don't tolerate it op yanbu. Its almost at breaking point now. Is this how you want to continue forever? It won't resolve without either counselling or splitting up which is what the dsc might be aiming for. Then at least they have one parent to themselves .

A sudden change of behavior at the age he was 3 years ago and a new man on the scene (mothers new husband) could be a sign of abuse … my alarms are going off majorly on this

I have to say I agree with this and I think if the OP were truly honest with herself there's a bit of game playing going on here.

She's insistent that the DSD wants to come to the stable, she rightly says the horse is too dangerous to ride but refuses to sort out another option that would make DSD feel included. From the outside its giving off the vibe of ' this mine and your dad's thing and you're not included. you can watch us from the sidelines but never be part of it because it's our thing'. I can imagine the feelings of resentment growing inside the DSD when she's watching all this. I wonder if the DSS has picked up on this game playing and is refusing to get involved.

The reasons the OP gives are all very logical but they are not very kind. More like design to exclude. I wonder if deep down its a bit of a power play.

I’m not excusing him, but he’s also being a typical teen.

The kid sounds rude but you sound a bit precious too really.

Indeed. You complain of not being able to relax in your own home when he’s there. He can’t relax in any home he’s in at all, all the time. Poor kid.

Agree with this.

Perhaps your husband could put his hobby aside once in a while to spend quality time with his DD - she’s obviously making the effort but has to tag along to something she can’t even participate in. Talk about pushing her out.

This.

So why don't you organise for there to be a safe and reliable horse for her to learn on? The idea of making a teen hang around a stable but not letting her learn to ride, while you indulge your own passion week in week out strikes me as a perfect example of selfishness on your and her father's part. No one thinking about her needs and wants - only your own. I have to say - this attitude repulses me.

Your DH has chosen to live like he has no children and "graciously" allows them to slot into his life and follow him around, they are picking up on this and blaming you (did you introduce him to horses)? The fact that your DS has got in on the hobby must sting and make them feel more excluded. Your DSDs reaction to going to DSs stables is interesting and you need to explore this more.

What does DSS do while you and DH are at the horses?

It would not be normal, in an unblended family, for mum and dad to go off doing their own thing all the time. It should be even less so if the time with the DCs is limited. My DH had a horsey mum, but at least his dad was home - it did prevent him having any hobbies of his own though as nothing slotted in with the horse commitments and his dad having the three siblings to manage.

Not sure why there seems to be so much interest in the horse riding. It's very clear the step daughter has a riding option, which she declines. End of story.

OP, is it both children that have brought you to this point, or is it your stepson? Is the not speaking/answering thing only directed at you, or is he sullen with everyone? It could be he's just at that age (not to say he should be allowed to behave like that); or it could be he's punishing you or your DH. Does your DH do any hobbies or just spend time hanging out with DSS?

Your dh is a bit shit at parenting. In his place eg in the example as he was leaving I’d say ‘op said something to you.’ And stop, and wait for him to acknowledge. And if he just stood there dh says ‘I can wait all day while my son shows some basic manners, someone talks to you you respond. If you truly didn’t hear which is doubtless your story, you could always try that very common phrase ‘I beg your pardon’

dinner - if my 10 yo can’t say thank you for his meal, I remove it, and wait. I’d tell my dh in your place that he can start parenting as he is the problem not the child, but you do not have to support having his son stay whenever he wants to if dh doesn’t step up and insist on some basic manners regularly, patiently, in front of him, that’s how relationships between adults work. And if he says it’s hard you say how would you know, I’ve barely seen you try in front of me, only once you’ve left the room and he can just shrug and get away with it. But I agree it will be hard, you’ve been a shit parent about this for so long it’s going to be quite a challenge. Look in the mirror and remind yourself that’s 100% on you - taking the easy, bad parenting way out for years ends up with things being tougher to get back on track, and now you have to put in the hard yards before it’s too late and we are in difficulty.